I am at a crossroads in my pleas to Tina Fey NPH. Weeks, in fact months, have passed—and I have yet to obtain any legitimate responses to my pleas. I have received the occasional imposter email, like the email I received from Tima Fey, who requested that I provide her with my social security number and birthdate so she could “confirm” whether I was in fact an undiscovered talent. Or the email I received from Neil Pat My Harris, who asked whether I liked “franks and beans.” After brief consideration of the possibility that Tina Fey NPH was in fact responding to me, but using an alias—I resisted the urge and left their requests unrequited.
Since my last plea to Tina Fey NPH, I have since spent my days sighing in despair. The air has been sucked out of my sails. The hop has been removed from my step. The glimmer has been extinguished from my eye. But alas, through my anguish, I saw a silver lining, and his name is Rascal. Who is Rascal, you ask?
Rascal holds the record for titles in the World’s Ugliest Dog competition. Desiring to view more pictures of Rascal, I ran a Google search and, lo and behold, Rascal has his own IMDB page! And then it dawned on me. How could I have been so blind? I have spent months and months attempting to entice Tina Fey NPH with my writing and my literary displays of devotion. I wholeheartedly believed that Tina Fey NPH would independently discover this blog and respond to my requests with outright offers of employment. Alas, my naivete led me to write my WGA award acceptance speech and practice it in front of the mirror, bidding adieu to my fans as I announced my new journey toward becoming a lyrical hip hop dancer—after which Wade Robson and Nappy Tabs meet me backstage to begin my intense journey, which will be captured on a major network for prime time television so that my fans could witness my sweat and tears as I transform into one of the greatest dancers in the world before their eyes on Alexis Nectar: Road to SYTYCD.
I digress. The point is—I have been approaching this the wrong way. Talent alone can and will go unnoticed without proper publicity. If Rascal can get an IMDB page by virtue of being the ugliest dog in the world, why can’t I approach it in a similar fashion? Can you imagine the publicity I would receive if I, Alexis Nectar, attempted to enter the World’s Ugliest Dog competition? I realize that my DNA doesn’t exactly allow me to necessarily qualify for entry into the competition, but perhaps the rules do not explicitly state, “A human being with an alias of Alexis Nectar may not enter this competition.” Absent this specific rule, I can surely try. I can crimp my hair, 80s style, perhaps tease it so it becomes a gigantic bird’s nest, smear nutella all over my teeth, and rub my eyes with cat dander to make them demon red. And after I win the competition, I will obtain my own IMDB page, with which I will finally capture the attention of Tina Fey NPH, and begin the road to stardom that is so richly-deserved. Hollywood star, here I come!
Discover me Tina Fey NPH!!