Penis Pilferage Causes Panic: Male residents of the Democratic Republic of Congo live in fear. At least 13, and likely dozens more, sorcerers have been employing black magic to “steal or shrink men’s penises.” Local residents have taken steps to protect their precious organs by staying indoors and avoiding passengers wearing gold rings of penile death. These powerful sorcerers have spread trepidation throughout the Congo. Rumor has it that the sorcerers particularly target men with abnormally large penises, in the belief that stealing the penis of a man with elephantitis of the penis would result in the sorcerer being the bad-ass pimp daddy of Congo.
In other news, Pfizer has sent traveling salespersons to Congo to sell its popular erectile dysfunction drug, Viagra.
Also in other news, the infamous Lorenna Bobbitt, who moved to the Democratic Republic of Congo at the beginning of this year, has thus far enjoyed her stay with the friendly African people. Bobbitt, a hairdresser, has set up shop with her clippers and razor, and has developed a loyal male clientele.
Disclaimer: yadda yadda yadda still made up; thanks to VR for the tip!