Chinese Gymnastics

First off, let’s give a hip hip hooray to the Chinese gymnastics team for their clean sweep of the team competitions. Two thumbs up also go to those gymnasts who, under extreme pressure, were able to pull off the victory in front of a raucous crowd and a government that might kill mommy and daddy were someone to accidentally slip off the pommel horse.

Although minimal, there has been news about the age of the Chinese “Women’s” squad–with the NY Times stating that, compared to the Chinese team, the US team is like the Green Bay Packers. Isn’t it funny how the use of the Green Bay Packers connotes larger individuals than, say, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. I mean, when I hear Packers, I think big dudes who eat a dozen eggs a day like Gaston in Beauty and the Beast. When I think the Buccaneers, however, I’m thinking more along the lines of frat boys who strive to be the spokesperson for Campbell’s Chunky soups. I digress.

Anyways, take a look at the Chinese team:

. . . Ok. Like seriously? I’m supposed to believe that the chick on the top left is 16? And the kid on the top right is an ancient 20 years of age? I am Taiwanese-Chinese (Tai-chinese?). I realize we look young. But come on! Top left, bottom right and bottom middle (I don’t know their names–not deliberately trying to be rude) look like fans of Dora the Explorer and appear ready to scream out, “Hannah Montana” (or the Chinese equivalent). I mean, bottom right looks like she might still have her baby teeth, and after the Olympics, mommy and daddy will yank them out by tying them with a string, attaching the other end of the string to a door, and slamming it shut to simultaneously yank that sucker out and muffle the screams. I apologize for the slight transference of the traumas of my childhood. I’m waiting for the next episode of “To Catch a Predator” on NBC, and Chris Hansen will come out and the dude will say, “Sir, I truly believed this girl was 18. I mean, she looks so much older than anyone on the Chinese Gymnastics team!” Juries all over the country will compare the Perverted Justice photo to the picture above and pedophiles all over the country will be acquitted.

But seriously . . . 16? I believe that as much as I believe that story about the Loch Ness Monster mounting King Kong to create the next great Marvel Comic Hero.

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