News to Amuse

A Fertile Turtle: Meet Arava.  This 10-year-old tortoise came to Jerusalem’s Biblical Zoo with a condition that paralyzed her hind legs.  Hoping to get Arava moving again, zoo officials fashioned her with a skateboard that could be strapped around her torso, allowing Arava to freely move around the tortoise confines.  However, after only a few moments with the skateboard, zoo officials quickly realized that they had not created a skateboard, but had really created a mateboard, with Arava becoming the zoo’s newest whore.  Arava has been seen cruising around the creek and fields, with scores of male tortoises ready to climb on her elevated rear and create new cruising turtles.

Anthropologists and zoologists, working together to examine the phenomenon, have determined that Arava’s new freedom of movement was simply too much, and likened Arava to a “home-schooled girl who is sent off to Chico State for college.”  Tens of thousands of dollars were spent filming the behavior of “home-schooled” women at Chico State, and the results were profoundly startling.  Just as Arava spent her days in the swamp showing her green rump, the test subjects at Chico State spent their evenings “dropping it like it’s hot” and their mornings taking the walk of shame.

The team is quick to point out, however, that the results may be skewed due to issues with controls.  In order to rectify these issues, the scientists will soon be plying Arava with Popov and Keystone and setting her free in a field with young male tortoises who have been similarly artificially intoxicated.

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