Monthly Archives: September 2008

Palin is the 21st Century Teddy Ruxpin

I’ve come to a revelation that makes the Sarah Palin pill a little easier to swallow.  Governor Palin really is like the 21st century manifestation of Teddy Ruxpin.  Do you remember Teddy Ruxpin?  Ruxpin was a toy teddy bear — with 4 batteries and a cassette tape in his belly, Ruxpin’s mouth would move up and down while a voice emitted from his belly.

Let’s examine the similarities between Mr. Ruxpin and Governor Palin.

1.  Both are intellectually vapid and require pre-recorded tapes to induce speech.

2.  Mr. Ruxpin talks.  Palin talks.

3.  Mr. Ruxpin tells fictitious stories and people are in awe.  Same with Palin.

4.  Mr. Ruxpin asked, “Can you and I be friends?” and people blindly follow.  Ditto with Palin.

5.  Fans of Ruxpin ignore the fact that the bear looks unreal and makes movements that are not commensurate with his speech.  Ditto with Palin.

6.  The 4 batteries required to operate Ruxpin are not included with purchase.  The ounce of intelligence required to competently be Vice-President are not included with purchase of Palin.

7.  Teddy Ruxpin scared the crap out of me as a child.  Unlike a lot of the more stupid kids in my neighborhood, I thought it was awfully frightening that this bear spoke from his belly — very Chucky-like.  Palin scares the crap out of me as an adult.  Unlike a lot of the more stupid people in the country, I’d like an intelligent and articulate person to occupy the Vice-Presidency.

Survey says:  Palin = Ruxpin!!!!

So my suggestion to Daddy Mac is this — although you’ve managed to make the new Teddy Ruxpin quite life-like, the current tapes being used were obviously hastily recorded.  I mean, it sounds like gibberish, and pretty soon, people will want to return their Teddy Palins.  I realize that you’re old enough that cassette tapes are pretty “new” technology, but if you move to electronic wav files, you could easily manipulate Teddy Palin to sound more coherent and thereby more palatable.  Tic toc though Daddy Mac . . . Thursday is coming around really quickly!


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Daddy Issues

Governor Palin appeared yesterday in yet another interview with Katie Couric, attempting to explain her utter stupidity.  This time, she did not appear alone.  Chaperoned by Daddy Mac, Palin explained her response to a Tulane University student in Philadelphia — a response that was in line with the views of Senator Obama and criticized by Daddy Mac.  Wait, my bad.  Daddy Mac did the explaining, Palin just sat there pissing herself with her golden shower of stupidity.

So Palin’s stupidity was originally blamed on “sexism.”  Now the blame has been directed toward “Gotcha Journalism.”  I’m sure that Tulane student must be thinking, “Hot damn!  I’m a journalist?  WTF am I doing in school then?”

First of all, what the hell was Daddy Mac doing there anyways?  Poor little Palin can’t handle such an interview herself?  Does Daddy Mac need to feed her responses like an auditory teleprompter and follow with a “I’ll let her speak for herself” statement so that Palin can mimic like the pathetic mockingbird she is?

Second, “Gotcha Journalism?”  It’s a “Gotcha” question to ask Palin to explain the $700 billion bailout?  Is it an “I’m gonna get you” question to ask why Alaska’s proximity to Russia makes her qualified to handle foreign policy issues?  It’s unfair liberal “Gotcha” bias to ask her for examples of how Daddy Mac has supported economic regulation?

So, just to be fair to everyone who thinks that people are being too harsh on Governor Palin, here are my suggested questions to Gwen Ifil for Thursday’s debate:

1.  What is your name?

2.  Can you spell your name?

3.  How do you spell your name?

4.  Before you is a globe (yes, Governor Palin, the world is round).  Please take this pin and stick it in Alaska.

5.  Please take another pin and stick it in Russia.

6.  Please take another pin and stick it in the maritime border between Russia and Alaska.

7.  Is John McCain a Maverick or a Martyr?

8.  If you had to choose between an umbrella of job growth or an umbrella of unemployment, which would you choose?

9.  Are you a Washington outsider or insider?

10.  Please take a pin and identify where Washington, D.C. is on the globe.

11.  Are you ready or not ready to be Vice President of the United States?

12.  How do you load a double-barreled shotgun?

13.  Governor Palin, this might be an unfair question, but could you please spell “nuclear?”  And just one follow up question, what word did I ask you to spell?

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Dubya is the Worst President Ever

After stealing the Presidency from Al Gore in 2000, George W. Bush has spent the last eight years making sure that he will forever hold the title of “Worst President Ever.”  I think I just heard my retirement flushing down the toilet.

How is this race even close?  Why not elect someone to clean up this mess?  To mop up the shit that Dubya has carpet-bombed all over this nation?

Don’t even get me started on how magnanimous Dubya has been — urging lawmakers to put aside their partisan differences and pass the bailout plan.  Fuck you.  You’ve undeniably screwed up this country and made us the laughing stock of the world.  After being fully complicit in the actions that have caused the extermination of our economy, do not stand up there and preach to me a solution.  After barfing on the principles that form the foundation of our country, do not further add insult to injury by attempting to redefine what that foundation is.  You disgust me.  You are despicable.  Come 2009, I will rejoice in the conclusion of your term.  It is my hope that you will go into hiding, back in the holes from which you came from.  I look forward to never seeing your face again.  To never seeing the constant reminder that a nation led by the politics of stupidity cannot rely on the strength of a reputation that has been trampled upon.  Reputation is earned.  And it must be maintained.  And to you, Dubya, you’ve betrayed that responsibility.  So fuck you.  I hate you.

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Tina Fey is My Hero

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Yet another fabulous creation by my comedic hero, Tina Fey.

Tina, if you can hear me (or see my words if you want to get all literal and shit), be confident that I will go to great lengths to ridicule the woman you portray.  That I will climb the mountains of the world to uncover yet additional juicy facts that will allow me to lay waste to Palin’s reputation and enable me to open the world’s eyes to view the dolt of a politician she really is.  Discover me Tina Fey!

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Miss Congeniality

So I spent my Friday evening as planned, eyes glued on the television to watch the first presidential debate between the black Muslim and the white war hero.  Oh, my bad.  That was me channeling the politics of stupidity.

All in all, however, I actually think that McCain did a fine job.  He catered to his base by delivering lie after lie and dumbing down the debates as much as possible.  One thing Johnny Mac was not able to do was to control that creepy, old man, I’m going to eat your children while I’m shitting smile:

Nor could he look at Obama during the speech, thereby publicly displaying the contempt he holds for his opponent.  I mean, seriously–how weird is that?  You’re in a debate with one other person, and you can’t even look at the guy?  I know you’re not much into diplomacy, but if we’re going to send you out into the world to speak with foreign leaders about such critical issues as nuclear proliferation and the environmental crisis, does Friday’s debate signal that your tactic will be to completely avoid eye contact and look like a total freak?

I also found it funny that Johnny Mac mentioned, at least twice, that he’s not known for winning any “Miss Congeniality” awards in Congress.  Hmmm . . . I wonder if anyone has won that award?

While Johnny Mac spent his time preaching (Lord Save Me!) about earmarks, Miss Congeniality awards and his wealth of experience over Obama, it appears that Johnny Mac forgot about his running mate, who I imagine is holed up in a room in Arizona, cramming for the SAT verbal.  Oh, I mean preparing for the debate with Biden.  After the Gibson and Couric debacles, Palin must be ready to shit her pants.  I’ll bet she’s been sleeping on piles and piles of Wikipedia articles about the “economy,” “foreign policy,” and the “Bush doctrine,” hoping that knowledge of such subjects may come via osmosis (since oceanic osmosis apparently works for obtaining foreign policy experience).

And on a related note, I think I’ve figured out how they vetted Palin.  How Johnny Mac was able to determine, from a single meeting, that Palin was the appropriate choice for VP.  I believe they used the mortgage model used by my former bank, Wamu.  In the mortgage model, an individual seeking a home loan simply goes to Wamu and announced his or her desire for a gastronomical loan.  Wamu then proceeded with a simple checklist of questions, e.g. “Do you have a job?” and “How much do you want?”  Similarly, I imagine that Johnny Mac simply asked Palin, “Do you have boobs and are your chromosomes XX?”  When Palin responded with a resounding yes, Johnny Mac’s final question was, “Do you think you can be VP and potentially President?”

Being the Miss Congeniality she is, Palin responded, “Oh my god!  Yes!  Like I’ve said before, I wish for world peace!”

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The Great Schlep

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about “untitled“, posted with vodpod
You gotta love Silverman.  From fucking Matt Damon to this!

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Oh Snap! It’s On Like Donkey Kong!

Johnny Mac is appearing for the fight tonight!  Despite the earlier proclamation that McCain would not be engaging in the first debate, Johnny Mac has changed his mind and will be heading to Mississippi to be tarred and feathered!  I asked a top Vegas odd-maker what he thought of the news:

Me:  What do you put McCain’s odds at tonight?

Bookie:  The old man?  Sheeiiit, he’s barely got his wits about him.  I’ve got him at 50:1 odds.  With an asterisk.

Me:  An asterisk?  What does that mean?

Bookie:  Well, it’s 50:1, but with the stipulation that winnings will have to be returned if McCain is able to transform his likely trouncing into a positive.

Me:  I’m sorry, come again?

Bookie:  Dude.  He’s a Maverick.  When a Maverick fails, even horribly, people love it man.  People eat it up.  They’ll be like, dude Billy Joe!  McCain got the shit knocked out of him!  He’s a fighter man, he’s a fighter.  Then everybody wants to see him fight again.  Everybody wants to see him get up.  If that happens, man, the asterisk comes in.  Gimme my fuckin money.

Me:  Umm.  Yeah, I’m not sure if I want to make that bet then.

Bookie:  You sure?  Because if he gets knocked down and dies tonight, I give you a 100:1 return.

Me:  You serious?  I’m in!

Always one to join in the fun, I also asked Governor Palin for her thoughts about tonight’s debate.

Me:  Governor Palin, how do you think Senator McCain will perform tonight?

Palin:  He’s a Maverick!

Me:  Yes, but how do you think he’ll perform?

Palin:  Like a Maverick!

Me:  Ok. With the recent economic turmoil, do you think that Senator McCain has sufficiently prepared himself for tonight’s debate?

Palin:  He has prepared himself like the Maverick he is!

Me:  How so?  Can you provide me with any specific examples?

Palin:  Well, I can’t think of a better example than the fact that he’s a Maverick!

Me:  Alright.  Governor, your debate is also rapidly coming up.  How have you prepared for your debate with Senator Biden?

Palin:  Well, I’m a Washington outsider.  I’m already prepared.  And I spent a good part of today staring out my window toward Russia.  I’m comin’ to get ya Putin!

Me:  Ok.  Well good luck to you!

Palin:  Thank you.  I have to head back to my home now in Alaska.  Nothing like a little oceanic osmosis to get even more foreign policy experience!

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