I’ve Vetted __ More than Johnny Mac Vetted Sarah Palin

It has become manifestly obvious that Johnny Mac didn’t have much of a chance to vet his veep choice. From the attempted firing of a librarian to her speech at an Alaskan Independence Party meeting to her baby girl/baby mama and the redneck boyfriend to the earmarked funds scandal, Johnny Mac must have woken up recently and thought to himself, “Shit. WTF?”

McCain met with Palin once. Seriously people. Once. Let’s examine the things I’ve spent more time vetting:

1. My husband. And I only have to live and procreate with him. As part of the hubby-selection process, I vetted several other candidates. Jonathan Knight was rumored to be gay, so he was out. Justin Timberlake traveled too much for my taste, so he was out. Michael Vartan wanted to live in Canada so that was out (who knew I would want to live there during the Dubya years!!). The point is, I spent years vetting all these choices before arriving at the selection of my hot hubby.

2. My car. I must have researched vehicles for months. From emissions to horsepower to acceleration to paint colors to optional trims, I vetted the hell out of that shit. And I only have to drive that.

3. My underwear. As a frugal and conscious shopper, I tried undies from Vicky’s, Costco, department stores, women’s apparel shops, and Target. I tested the elasticity of the waist bands, the quality of the fabric, and the sagginess of the booty area.  Lots of trial and error led to my current choice of undies.  And that only covers my ass.

4. My toilet paper. Before arriving at my choice of toilet paper, I vetted several different brands, including name brands and store brands. I tried them when I peed, I tried them when I pooped, I blew my nose with them, I wiped my face with them. Months of empirical research led me to my current choice. McCain met Palin once. I’ve met Charmin many times. Palin might become President. Charmin only gets the benefit of being in contact with my ass.

So I know what all you critics will say–Johnny Mac had a team who vetted Palin.  He didn’t need to personally vet her because his GOP investigative team did the task for him.  Well, I say this to you.  Although other people’s opinions count, they absolutely do not suffice as a replacement for my personal belief and recommendation.  Other people think a gas-guzzler like the Hummer is a great vehicle–not for me.  Other people may like Angel Soft and Quilted brands over Charmin–not for my booty.  The point is–if Johnny Mac was such a Maverick, wouldn’t he have vetted Palin himself?  Wouldn’t he have wanted to determine, for himself, his chosen running mate, an individual who by actuarial standards, would have a pretty decent chance of becoming President should the McCain/Palin ticket prevail?

So my conclusion?  I’ve spent more time investigating the thing that wipes my ass than McCain investigated Palin.  Perhaps that says more about my obsessive personality.  Whatever it means, it sure scares the crap out of me.  Pun intended, but terrified all the same.


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