Breaking News from the McCain Camp: GOP presidential candidate John McCain has suspended his campaign to focus on the economic crisis in “Wershington.” Senator McCain has called for his opponent to do the same, and additionally has asked for a postponement of the first debate, which is scheduled for Friday evening in Mississippi.
In other news, GOP insiders report that Johnny Mac is vigorously studying Wikipedia and Economics for Dummies to prepare for what will likely be a massacre of a debate with Senator Obama. Having spent years repeating the same empty mantra–deregulation–Johnny Mac apparently needs an in-depth primer on what happens when the economy goes to the shitter. Campaign aides have apparently reached out to the writers on the hit show, “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?” to obtain questions and talking points for the septuagenarian Senator.
In other news, Republican running-mate Sarah Palin will be spending much of the next week in a crash course with foreign officials. Governor Palin has reluctantly agreed to leave her double-barrel shotgun at home, finally agreeing with campaign staff that she would not need to “show her guns” to garner respect in the international community. Insiders report that Governor Palin is still unable to pronounce “nuclear,” but that any criticism of this fact will be viewed as an attack against all individuals with disabilities and an attack against America and its allies. Campaign officials caution the media that Governor Palin is prepared to meet such attack with brute force–she will not blink to extinguish those who are hell-bent at destroying America and its allies. Again, the GOP stresses, Governor Palin does not blink.
And in totally unrelated news, students at American High School are disappointed. Apparently, the fight of the year was supposed to go down at the field after school this Friday between the class valedictorian and the tenth year senior. Despite repeatedly telling his opponent to man up and fight, tenth year senior Donny Jack is apparently home “sick.”