The forces of good have triumphed over the forces of evil! For those of you who have not been exposed to the North Carolina Senate race, which is most of us, take a look at this ad that was approved by then-incumbent Senator Elizabeth Dole:
Well, the ad didn’t work as well as Senator Dole hoped, as she was one of the Republicans ousted in the 2008 demolition of the GOP.
In this ad, Dole accuses Hagan of taking “godless money” from “godless Americans” and implying that Hagan stated, “There is no God.” Should “godless” be capitalized? I digress.
First of all, now-Senator Hagan is not “godless,” but is rather a devout Christian who teaches Sunday School. The voice on the ad, which sounds like Hagan, is not Hagan. Second of all, when did being a Christian become a necessary characteristic for political office? Dubya is a Christian and he led us into an endless war in the name of Christianity. Religious zeal has been the driving force of innumerable wars. Don’t get me wrong. Religion surely preaches peace and civility — in most cases. However, religion can also be the justification for atrocities of the greatest kind. Religion is the driving force that propels Islamic extremists to sacrifice their lives in suicide bombings. Afghanistan, previously a peaceful country, devolved into chaos when religious zealots (the Taliban) took over the government. “God’s calling” to spread Christianity has resulted in the death of many more.
But enough with the serious talk. There is no such thing as “godless money.” For example, if you look at a stack of benjamins, each bill has an imprint, “In God We Trust.” So it’s not godless. It says it right on the bill. And hell, I bet if my “godless” ass wanted to donate money to a church/synagogue/mosque, e.g. for general charitable reasons, they’d gladly take the “godless” money.
In fact, I did some empirical research on this. I went to a local church where the little kiddies and their folks were having a bake sale. The cupcakes and cookies looked pretty good, and although I’m not religious, I didn’t have a bias against “god-filled” pastries. I’ve tried god pastries and non-god pastries, and so long as the baking science has been followed, I’ve never been able to taste a difference between the two. And believe me, I did a lot of research on this. Course, if I was religious, perhaps God would instill in me the ability to taste a difference. Anyways, a little girl was accepting payment for the god pastries. I approached and said to her, “I’d like a dozen cupcakes and 6 cookies. I hate my job and want to eat my feelings.”
She stared at me blankly as her associates began boxing up my god pastries. As I took money out of my wallet, I asked her, “Um . . . this is godless money, as I am not religious. Do you accept godless money?”
Again, a blank stare. I stated again, “Look. I want to eat your god pastries. I’ve had a rough day and could really use something to distract me from the bottomless pit of apathy that is my life. Do you want my godless money or not?”
Well, she took my godless money and gave me my god pastries. The god pastries were pretty good. Although I felt a little blasphemous in licking the Jesus image off my cupcake.
The point is — godless money works just as well as god money. Hallelujah!