Dear Malia and Sasha,
What up, girls! Nice work on looking cute and adorable for the press to help get your dad elected. You two are going to be excellent fixtures in the White House, and promise to grow up to be upstanding citizens. Your moms and pops will soon be getting you a puppy, and I just want to make sure that you make an informed decision.
Malia, I’m aware of your allergy. I’m also aware that the government of Peru has offered to give you a Peruvian hairless dog. . . . Yes, it looks as weird as it sounds. Don’t believe me? Check out this video of a clip produced by the Associated Press on this subject:
Here is an AP photo of this dog. Imagine this little thing running around the White House gardens!
And if the aforementioned video and picture do not haunt your dreams tonight, please be aware of the habits of the Peruvian Hairless Dog. According to the website, dogbreedinfo.com, Peruvian Hairless dogs “are nighttime dogs, sometimes called Moonflowers, as do not like the light of the day nor the rays of the sun.” So even if you two are fans of Buffy or the more recent vampire-centric series of Twilight, my guess is that you’d appreciate separating your infatuation with puppies from any infatuation with fictitious blood-sucking demons (except Angel and post-chip Spike).
Malia, no amount of Internet stalking has given me reliable information as to the extent of your allergies, so my advice should be taken with a grain of salt. However, there are quite a few mixed breeds that I would recommend. In fact, any “mutt” with some poodle would make a great addition to your family. From the Goldendoodle to the Labradoodle to the Cavapoo, each of these puppies would be hypoallergenic, can be rescued from a shelter, and would be able to see the light of day without being engulfed in flames due to sunlight touching the dog’s naked skin.
Of course, you could also think about asking mommy and daddy to adopt a person. My attempts at being adopted by the Jolie-Pitts have been met with silence, and my pleas to Tina Fey have similarly come up empty. So, I’m totally available to romp around the yard and play fetch. I can’t run all that fast, because of a bum knee, and I’m allergic to grass, but I’m also a quick learner. And most importantly, I would never dream of romping around in all my naked glory, looking like evil on 4 legs.
Malia and Sasha — in the tradition of American politics being dominated by Anglo-Christian ideals, I suppose I have to end this letter to you by saying, God bless you, God bless your family, God bless your future dog (or human) and God bless America!
Alexis Nectar (if you so choose to adopt me, feel free to change my name to Spot, Rufus, or whatever)