Monthly Archives: December 2008

The All-Inclusive GOP

I’m a bit delayed due to the holidays, but I suppose now is as good a time as any to impart my thoughts on Chip Saltsman’s idea of a chuckle.  For those who don’t know (perhaps you have been buried under a Christmas tree with 3 pounds of fruitcake lodged in your bowels causing immobility), Saltsman is a candidate for Chairman of the Republican National Committee.  For shits and giggles, Saltsman sent around a CD to his fellow GOP’ers this year, wishing them good tidings and cheer, a ticket to heaven, and a song entitled, “Barack the Magic Negro,” sung to the tune of “Puff the Magic Dragon.”

Amazingly enough, most of the rest of the GOP leadership is up in arms over this song.  However, there are still quite a few in the party’s leadership decrying the outcry, stating that the song is merely a parody, and people need to get over it.  So, today, I’d like to examine what constitutes as appropriate parody and what constitutes bigoted offensive bastardly behavior.

Appropriate Parody — (1) Tina Fey’s impression of Sarah Palin, highlighting her stupidity; (2) Justin Timberlake’s impression of Barry Gibs, highlighting the high pitch of his voice; (3) Weird Al.

Bigoted, Offensive, Bastardly Behavior — (1) making light of the Holocaust and/or Hitler; (2) making light of 9/11; (3) calling someone a “magic Negro.”

After being trounced in this year’s elections, you’d think that the GOP would get the hint that they need to, at the very least, hide the fact that the party’s leadership includes a hell of a lot of bigoted assholes.  I’m not saying all the leadership — I’m sure there are plenty of GOP leaders who simply espouse the principles of small government etc.  But Saltsman, a candidate for Chairman of the RNC, represents what millions have known about the GOP — all-inclusive my ass.

Actually, on second though, the GOP is quite inclusive.  I mean, how the hell is the party supposed to thrive without taking advantage of those less fortunate and keeping them in a state of economic and social dependence such that the party can revert the country back to a state of slavery?  Seriously.  The country was better back then.  Rich whites didn’t have to do anything except make sure that the poor blacks were appropriately controlled to prevent them from running amok.  Yeah, super super inclusive.

To end this post, I have one thing to say to good ol’ Chip.  And I’m not joking when I say this.  This is not a parody.  It’s not meant in good fun — Piss off.

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Filed under Personal Pontification, WTF?

Song of the Week — California Love

In honor of the great day that lies before me tomorrow (and the concurrent cessation of postings until next week), I present to you one of the greatest songs of all time:  California Love.  Throw yo hands up, yo.  Tomorrow, pink will be the new black, and 50 degrees will be the new 20 degrees.  I said Brrr, it’s cold in here.  Gimme some Cali love.

California love!

California…knows how to party
California…knows how to party
In the citaaay of L.A.
In the citaaay of good ol’ Watts
In the citaaay, the city of Compton
We keep it rockin! We keep it rockin!

Verse One: Dr. Dre

Now let me welcome everybody to the wild, wild west
A state that’s untouchable like Elliot Ness
The track hits ya eardrum like a slug to ya chest
Pack a vest for your Jimmy in the city of sex
We in that sunshine state with a bomb ass hemp beat
The state where ya never find a dance floor empty
And pimps be on a mission for them greens
Lean mean money-makin-machines servin fiends
I been in the game for ten years makin rap tunes
Ever since honeys was wearin sassoon
Now it’s ’95 and they clock me and watch me
Diamonds shinin lookin like I robbed Liberace
It’s all good, from Diego to tha Bay
Your city is tha bomb if your city makin pay
Throw up a finger if ya feel the same way
Dre puttin it down for Californ-i-a

California…knows how to party
California…knows how to party
In the citaaay of L.A.
In the citaaay of good ol’ Watts
In the citaaay, the city of Compton
We keep it rockin! We keep it rockin!

Shake it shake it baby
Shake it shake it baby
Shake it shake it mama
Shake it Cali
Shake it shake it baby
Shake it shake it shake it shake it…

Verse Two: 2Pac

Out on bail fresh outta jail, California dreamin
Soon as I stepped on the scene, I’m hearin hoochies screamin
Fiendin for money and alcohol the life of a west side playa
where cowards die and it’s all raw
Only in Cali where we riot not rally to live and die
In L.A. we wearin Chucks not Ballies (yeah, that’s right)
Dressed in Locs and khaki suits and ride is what we do
Flossin but have caution we collide with other crews
Famous because we programs
Worldwide let’em recognize from Long Beach to Rosecrans
Bumpin and grindin like a slow jam,
It’s west side so you know the row won’t bow down to no man
Say what you say, but give me that bomb beat from Dre
Let me serenade the streets of L.A.
From Oakland to Sacktown the Bay Area and back down
Cali is where they put they mack down – Give me love!

California…knows how to party
California…knows how to party
In the citaaay of L.A.
In the citaaay of good ol’ Watts
In the citaaay, the city of Compton
We keep it rockin! We keep it rockin!

Dr. Dre: now make it shake…

Shake it shake it baby
Shake it shake it baby
Shake it shake it mama
Shake it Cali
Shake it shake it baby
Shake it shake it shake it shake it…

Outro: Dre, 2Pac

(Dre)uh, yeah, uh, longbeach in tha house, uh yeah
Oaktown, Oakland definately in tha house hahaha
Frisco, Frisco
(Tupac) hey, you know LA is up in this
(Dre) Pasadina, where you at
yeah, Ingelwood, Ingelwood always up to no good
(Tupac) even Hollywood tryin to get a piece baby
(Dre) Sacramento, sacramento where ya at? yeah

(Tupac) Throw it up y’all, throw it up, Throw it up, I can’t see ya
Let’s show these fools how we do it on this west side
Cause you and I know it’s tha best side

(Dre)yeah, That’s right
west coast, west coast
uh, California Love
California Love

Did I mention that I know Dr. Dre?  Yeah, we met last year when I was getting my bum knee scoped for the third time.    Dre and I go way back.  Maybe, when I’m in town, I’ll hit up Dre to hook me up with some bomb ass hemp beat.

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Filed under Musical Obsessions, Song of the Week, Travel

Legally Blonde – The Musical

This last weekend, the hubby and I went to the Kennedy Center to watch Legally Blonde, the Musical.  As a whole, the musical was quite the accurate adaptation of the movie I love.  There were quite a few mentions of UCLA, which made me want to lead the entire crowd in an 8-clap (but I refrained).  The depictions of Harvard were quite accurate, as they had the gates, the benches and they mentioned “Hauser.”  The hubby and I chuckled at these minor, but accurate, details.

Legally Blonde - The Musical

I recall that, in law school, JG and I used to always remark at how we felt like little fishies out of water.  I did indeed feel like Elle Woods, sans Bruiser, pink, heels, blonde, and sorority, of course.

As I look back at my three years of law school, I surprise myself with the fact that I actually have good memories.  I found some lifelong friends.  I found my hubby.  I discovered that people don’t all die when the weather goes below 40.  I watched a CV Thrilla for the first time (hee hee).  I consumed a lot of clam chowda.  And I learned how to make a mean dirty martini.

But ultimately, underneath it all, I’m still Elle Woods.  Fish out of water, but an ambitious pirahna-like fish who will eat you alive should you attempt to take advantage of me based on antiquated assumptions as to what asian women are supposed to be like . . . beyotch.

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Filed under Life, Movies, Musical Obsessions

Today is a S.A.D. Day

I just checked the tracking info for my light therapy device, and it is now “out for delivery.”  Praise the lord!  Coincidentally, JG sent me the following card from someecards, an awesome site for sending unique e-cards:

SAD CardSo for today, I’m tossing aside the “bah humbug” and inviting the “ho ho ho” into my life!  Perhaps I will couple such screams of “ho ho ho” with a sick pair of FMBs and a skirt that would make my mother cry in vain at the birth of such a wickedly whorish child.  I bet I’ll get plenty of holiday cheer.

Happy Friday!  And ho to the ho ho ho!

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Filed under Life

The Nectar Diet — Just Don’t Swallow

We’re getting close to that time of the year when people make New Year’s Resolutions, and a common resolution deals with the reduction of the circumference of one’s waist line.  In celebration of the annual tradition of making promises we cannot keep to ourselves, I’d like to offer a solution that may actually extend the resolution attempts beyond January 31.

We’ve all heard of the Atkins diet, the South Beach diet, the grapefruit diet, the liquid diet, the salad diet, and the Amy Winehouse cocaine diet.  I submit to you a new diet that will reduce your waist line without depriving you of your indulgences.  It’s simple, really.  My proposed diet has merely one rule, with, of course, some minor caveats.  The Nectar Diet’s golden rule:

Chew, but don’t swallow.

Now, I’m not saying that you should simply refrain from eating.  That would be awful and would lead to a host of medical complications along with bodily deformities.  I’m simply saying that, when you are faced with a situation in which you seek to ingest something that offers negative nutritional value (e.g. cookies, cake, candy bars, pork rinds, buffalo wings, bbq spare ribs, in n out), consider actually eating the amount that would fall within the parameters of your caloric restrictions, but then don’t swallow the rest.  So say you’re at a burger joint and you really want a double bacon cheeseburger with extra bacon and extra sauce — eat half of that burger, and then only chew the remainder along with the fries (you gotta have fries with your burger!).  By simply chewing the portion that should not be ingested, you have successfully quenched your desire for the burger taste, but there simply is no concomitant desire for actually swallowing said burger/fries, so you don’t lose anything by failing to swallow.

Now, I suppose the one downfall to the Nectar Diet is the unsightly vision of you spitting out partially-masticated food.  I submit, however, that once the Nectar Diet becomes a nationwide phenomenon, everyone will reconsider whether spitting out said food is actually nasty and rude.  For now, feel free to employ the “I can’t drink that much” technique from college.  For those unfamiliar, this technique simply requires a beverage container for the expulsion of alcohol.  If your buddies in college continue to buy you shots, and you already felt as though one more shot might push you over the edge, but there’s a hot guy who hands you yet another nasty tequila shot, the “I can’t drink that much” technique simply requires that you pretend to take the shot and chase it with, for example, a beer.  During the “chase,” you actually expel the entire shot into the beer container, thereby maintaining your image as a drunken fool, while also preventing a trip to the ER or the nearest toilet.

So do that with your food.  Chew chew chew.  And then, “take a drink.”  You’ll be the Biggest Loser in no time!

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Filed under Life, Working on my Fitness

What I Look Like When I Dance

As I mentioned in a previous post, I am a true Neo-Leo.  As a Neo-Leo, I enjoy perfecting my emulation of various dances.  Below, I present to you a pint-sized Neo-Leo.  Watching this girl dance to her television is like looking at a mirror image of myself.  Just like little Neo-Leo, I mimic facial expressions, booty shakes, and finger rolls, all of which are just a step behind the original.  You go little Neo-Leo.  Shake yo ass.

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Filed under Life, Musical Obsessions

Query re The Biggest Loser

How the hell does the Biggest Loser always manage to cast people who end up looking incredibly hot when they shed the weight?  This season’s winner, Michelle, was my favorite, mostly because I wanted that evil bitch of a woman named Vicky to suffer defeat.  Anyways, here is Michelle’s before picture (images from NBC website):

Michelle Before

And here is Michelle’s after picture:

Michelle AfterDamn.  She doesn’t even look like she’s sucking it in.  That chick is hot.  And she lost 110 pounds!  That’s like 2 Nicole Richies or 2.5 post-crack Amy Winehouses.  That’s ridonkulous.

This inspires me to go to the gym . . . after I finish this slice of cake.  Mmmm….cake.

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Filed under I Heart Reality TV, Television, Working on my Fitness