BFF RC often follows astrology — not to accept them at face value, of course, but to selectively decide how a particular astrology forecast will enhance one’s own prospects. I find it somewhat analogous to my devotion to the tenet of selective sexism: Open the door for me bitch, but I’m your equal.
According to my birth certificate, I am supposed to be a Leo. According to Wikipedia, the Leo is supposed to exhibit certain characteristics, of which I will comment upon:
- Creative: Okay, I’ll take that. I do consider myself somewhat creative. I’m always thinking of new ways I can jump out my window at work to escape the calamities of my life. I’m also continually thinking of ways I can effectively stalk Tina Fey without leading to the issuance of a restraining order. Thoughts like these certainly require a good deal of creativity.
- Dramatic: I don’t know about this one. I think it’s pretty relative. Ask my employers, and they’ll probably tell you that I’m inhumanly devoid of any emotion whatsoever. But ask my hubby, and he’ll probably tell you that my sense for the dramatic is unmatched.
- Passionate: Passionate about what? I’m confused. I am passionate about puppies and sunshine. Stupid astrological characteristics — you can always make it fit your mood.
- Loves Attention: I write under a pseudonym because I fear the retribution that may result from the substance of my words. At a party, I’m the one huddled in the corner with my one friend, because had that friend not attended, you think my ass would be at that party? I think not.
- Noble: When I think of nobility, I think of Prince Harry, who kind of hot for a youngin. I kind of Cougared that. My bad. Anyways, I’m definitely not noble.
- Magnetic: Since I don’t possess any electromagnetic field worth writing home about, I suppose this means that people are drawn to me. I can tell you that I do not possess such a trait. If I did, I’d be camped outside Tina Fey’s house with my butt drawn in the air, believing that perhaps my ass holds the most magnetic properties.
- Protective: I am protective of things. Like my unique obsession with all that is Tina Fey. Should anyone else make similar pleas to Tina Fey, I will track them down and get dramatic on their asses. (See above).
- Generous: I’m generous with others, but not so much myself. You should see my own wardrobe. If Tim Gunn came over, he’d die of shock.
- Faithful: Yes. I have faith that one day, I will meet Tina Fey. Is this starting to sound obsessive?
- Bossy: See above comments to “Dramatic.”
- Dogmatic: See above comments to “Dramatic.”
- Argumentative: See above comments to “Dramatic.”
- Interfering: Interfering with what? Does this mean that I like to pick fights? If that’s the case, this is not me. See above re “Loves Attention.”
- Voracious: About food? Yes. About music? Yes. About my current work? Yeah, not so much.
Well, as it stands, then, I do not believe I exhibit many of the Leo characteristics. Thus, I shall create a new category of astrology — I will now be the Neo-Leo. What are the characteristics typical of a Neo-Leo, you ask?
- The Neo-Leo is obsessed with all things Tina Fey.
- The Neo-Leo dreams of fame and fortune but resides in obscurity.
- The Neo-Leo can creatively derive new techniques by which the Neo-Leo can pursue his or her obsessions.
- The Neo-Leo may not crave attention per se, but the Neo-Leo hates when other people take the Neo-Leo’s glory and will have visions of drop kicking said person should such event occur.
- The Neo-Leo is very giving and generous but continues to wear clothing from her high school wardrobe which incidentally often involved a very large apparatus resembling a flannel parachute.
- The Neo-Leo believes that one’s reputation should be highly coveted, therefore before the Neo-Leo will publicly demonstrate her knowledge of the NSYNC Bye Bye Bye dance or the Beyonce booty shake or a simple ‘drop it like it’s hot,’ the Neo-Leo will practice endlessly until such moves are perfected.
- The Neo-Leo is delusional and occasionally fools herself into believing that she has perfected something when in fact she objectively appears as an epileptic turkey being shoved into a guillotine behind a moron from Alaska.
- The Neo-Leo does not actually know his or her true astrological sign, since the Neo-Leo was born in a country that adopted its recordkeeping techniques from evil communist leaders from a country that insists on maintaining its red commie arm of control over the waters that separate them.
- The Neo-Leo speaks of herself in the third person.
I just looked at the MSN horoscope for Leo, not Neo-Leo, and it said this:
A temporary separation from someone very close to you can have you reflecting on the good times you’ve spent with that person, especially over the past few weeks. At some point you’re likely to talk with him or her over the phone. You’re feeling a lot of warmth and affection toward everyone around you but a little sad as well, particularly when you think of those who live far away. Call them up, dear Leo! They’ll be glad to hear from you.
Oh my goodness. Maybe I am a Leo!