The Nectar Diet — Just Don’t Swallow

We’re getting close to that time of the year when people make New Year’s Resolutions, and a common resolution deals with the reduction of the circumference of one’s waist line.  In celebration of the annual tradition of making promises we cannot keep to ourselves, I’d like to offer a solution that may actually extend the resolution attempts beyond January 31.

We’ve all heard of the Atkins diet, the South Beach diet, the grapefruit diet, the liquid diet, the salad diet, and the Amy Winehouse cocaine diet.  I submit to you a new diet that will reduce your waist line without depriving you of your indulgences.  It’s simple, really.  My proposed diet has merely one rule, with, of course, some minor caveats.  The Nectar Diet’s golden rule:

Chew, but don’t swallow.

Now, I’m not saying that you should simply refrain from eating.  That would be awful and would lead to a host of medical complications along with bodily deformities.  I’m simply saying that, when you are faced with a situation in which you seek to ingest something that offers negative nutritional value (e.g. cookies, cake, candy bars, pork rinds, buffalo wings, bbq spare ribs, in n out), consider actually eating the amount that would fall within the parameters of your caloric restrictions, but then don’t swallow the rest.  So say you’re at a burger joint and you really want a double bacon cheeseburger with extra bacon and extra sauce — eat half of that burger, and then only chew the remainder along with the fries (you gotta have fries with your burger!).  By simply chewing the portion that should not be ingested, you have successfully quenched your desire for the burger taste, but there simply is no concomitant desire for actually swallowing said burger/fries, so you don’t lose anything by failing to swallow.

Now, I suppose the one downfall to the Nectar Diet is the unsightly vision of you spitting out partially-masticated food.  I submit, however, that once the Nectar Diet becomes a nationwide phenomenon, everyone will reconsider whether spitting out said food is actually nasty and rude.  For now, feel free to employ the “I can’t drink that much” technique from college.  For those unfamiliar, this technique simply requires a beverage container for the expulsion of alcohol.  If your buddies in college continue to buy you shots, and you already felt as though one more shot might push you over the edge, but there’s a hot guy who hands you yet another nasty tequila shot, the “I can’t drink that much” technique simply requires that you pretend to take the shot and chase it with, for example, a beer.  During the “chase,” you actually expel the entire shot into the beer container, thereby maintaining your image as a drunken fool, while also preventing a trip to the ER or the nearest toilet.

So do that with your food.  Chew chew chew.  And then, “take a drink.”  You’ll be the Biggest Loser in no time!

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