Monthly Archives: January 2009

10 Days for Tina Fey — Day Nine

I have now come to the unfortunate realization that I (technically) have one day remaining in my 10 Days for Tina Fey series, and I have yet to hear from Tina Fey, anyone associated with Tina Fey, or even any cruel individuals posing as Tina Fey.  So, given that the Super Bowl will be airing this Sunday, I figured that I would need to elevate my pleas to a never-before-seen level.

I’m sure everyone has heard of the PETA commercial that has been banned by NBC for the Super Bowl.  If not, check it out at http://www.peta.org or below:

Inspired by this commercial, and hoping that perhaps a 30-second slot is still open in this flailing economy, I filmed my own spot for the Super Bowl.  I’m hoping to get playtime immediately after kickoff or right before the half, but I’m not sure whether my hubby and I have the funds to get this prime airtime, even in a post-Dubya economy.  Especially in light of the fact that my hubby is concerned about me even more publicly declaring my so-called “unhealthy” obsession with working for Tina Fey.  Way to be supportive hubby.  Thanks.

In the event my commercial does not air, perhaps a visual description will do it some justice.  Essentially, I gathered a few DVDs (Mean Girls, 30 Rock, Baby Mama), my script, my glasses (which could be called Tina Fey glasses), and a full-size cutout of the moron named Sarah Palin.  For wardrobe, I put on my best pair of “mom jeans” . . . and nothing else.  I then played some sexy time music (aka I Wanna Sex You Up by Color Me Badd) and then, like any great comedian, I just winged it.

I would go into more depth, but I’m not sure anyone will ever want to play my Mean Girls DVD again if I reveal what I did.  Upon watching my video, I realized that some of the shit I did just wasn’t right.  Especially that thing I did with my glasses and the Palin cutout — yikes.  And licking my script was not a good idea.  My tongue still hurts from all the paper cuts and the puncture wound from the loose staple.

I have two days to make the pitch to NBC and to be disowned by my parents.

Discover me, Tina Fey!

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10 Days for Tina Fey — Day Eight

It’s Day Eight of my 10 Days for Tina Fey series, and I have yet to hear from Tina Fey.  Alas, although my heart is discouraged, I must forge on in the hopes that continued pleas will yield in victory.  So to further entice Tina Fey to respond to my pleas, I’d like to offer her yet another service.

I’m sure most people are aware of the peanut butter recall, which has swept the nation and will likely lead to criminal charges against an unknown number of individuals.  Apparently, some folks in a peanut processing plant in Georgia had full knowledge that salmonella had tainted the plant’s products, yet continued to allow manufacturing and distribution of those products.  In light of the pervasive “spread” of these potentially tainted peanut butter products, the FDA has issued a far-reaching recall of products containing peanuts originating from this one plant.

I’m not sure if Tina Fey is allergic to peanuts — although I did a quick google search and yielded no results — but I’m sure that she does not have time to actually rid her home of tainted peanut products.  I’m sure she also does not have time to conduct the necessary due diligence to ensure that any newly-purchased peanut products entering her home are free from harmful bacteria.  Here’s where I come in.  Not only will I, Alexis Nectar, vow to work day and night in preparing fresh and sassy scripts for the 30 Rock cast, but I will also act as Peanut-in-Chief, if you will.  Like a certain ex-president, I will smoke out the evildoer peanut products, and I will not stop until I can prematurely hang a banner that says, “Mission Accomplished,” while I stand underneath said banner dressed in a Planters Halloween costume like a village idiot.  I will act as a Customs Agent for any peanut products that seek entry into Tina Fey’s world, cross-checking the products with the FDA recall list, and otherwise conducting taste tests — putting myself in the line of fire.

Peanut my butter.  Butter my peanuts.  Discover me, Tina Fey!

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10 Days for Tina Fey — Day Seven

My hubby bought me a new iPod yesterday.  To be precise, I may have ordered it on my own accord with my hubby’s credit card, but since we’re married, that’s just semantics.

In honor of this new iPod and this Day Seven of my 10 Days for Tina Fey series, I’d like to reveal a few of the beloved songs on my iPod, as I believe that this will allow Tina Fey to obtain an accurate glimpse into my lovable but deranged psyche.

  1. Push It by Salt-N-Pepa — This classic song quite literally symbolized my adolescence.  In retrospect, I realize that the phrase “push it” was meant by Salt and Pepa to have a sexual connotation, but being the total and complete nerd that I was growing up, I believed that “push it” meant to push myself in my academic endeavors.  So before my Spanish test when I had to learn immensely helpful phrases like “I go to the library” and “I have a pencil in the bathroom,” I would psych myself up for said test by pumping myself to the beat of “Push It.”  Did I ace that test?  Hell yeah.  Voy a la biblioteca.  Tengo un lapiz en el bano.
  2. I Have Nothing by Whitney Houston — Ok, so I don’t actually like this song that much.  But it’s on this list because, there was a time in my life when I believed that I could be a professional singer.  Speaking hypothetically, it may be possible that a certain pre-teen listened to her own rendition of this song while she sang in the shower (complete with her own vocal runs), decided that she sounded remarkably like Whitney Houston, and decided to record herself only to learn upon playback that her rendition actually sounded more like cats and raccoons skinning each other alive.  Every so often, when this hypothetical person has delusions of vocal grandeur, said hypothetical person may listen to this song to make a quick return to reality.  Where is this hypothetical recording, you ask?  Let’s just say it’s been hypothetically destroyed.
  3. Drop it Like It’s Hot by Snoop Dog — At a later point in my adolescence, I believed that I could be a dancer.  As college and law school eventually consumed my life, I remember hearing this song and believing that perhaps my introduction into the dance world would come through mastery of “dropping it like it’s hot.”  However, my efforts at perfecting this move were thwarted by internal conflict.  On the one hand, I knew that dropping it like it’s hot would require me to nearly touch the ground squarely with both buttocks, and then bouncing said buttocks on the ground in a jiggly fashion.  Yet, on the other hand, I knew that one should avoid any squats in which knees are positioned in front of toes, as this causes extreme stress on your knee joints.  Sigh.  If only I was ignorant of the latter fact, I perhaps would not be making pleas to Tina Fey but instead would be combing the streets of Long Beach for Snoop Dog.

I may have just engaged in an overshare.  Oh well.  A glimpse into just 3 songs on my iPod gives Tina Fey all the information she needs.

Discover me, Tina Fey!

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10 Days for Tina Fey — Day Six

Last night, my hubby mentioned that I may be getting obsessed with this whole 10 Days for Tina Fey campaign.  Curiously, I found myself feeling flattered by what obviously was not intended to be a compliment.  I quickly whisked myself away in a dream sequence, during which I imagined my first meeting with Tina Fey.  Complete with my own original soundtrack, I found myself creating my own (hopefully to be based on reality) script.  WordPress doesn’t allow proper formatting, but here is my best attempt at recreating the dream sequence that brought me unadulterated happiness:

EXT. JFK AIRPORT – MORNING

ALEXIS (29), unprepared for the bitter northeast cold, shivers in her suit as she flags down a New York City Taxicab.  A cab careens around the corner and Alexis throws her bag into the trunk and climbs in, sitting squarely on a piece of hot pink bubblegum left by the last passenger.  The cab is filled with rave music and the DRIVER (50s) moves to the beat like an epileptic chicken on acid.

DRIVER

Where ya going?

Alexis attempts to peel the bubblegum off her ass.

ALEXIS

30 Rock studios please.   I’m a writer.  I’m meeting Tina Fey.

DRIVER

Sure you are.

The driver pulls out of JFK and turns the music louder.  Alexis gives up on the bubblegum and pulls out a cheat sheet of topics to discuss with Tina Fey, labeled MY ONE SHOT AT ETERNAL BLISS.  She holds it close to her heart and sways in glee.  The driver sways the cab to the beat of the music, causing Alexis to suddenly feel sick.

ALEXIS

Do you think you could slow down a little?  I’m feeling a little sick.

DRIVER

It’s Manhattan, baby.  There ain’t no slow in Manhattan.  (beat)  You know, I’ve driven Tina Fey before.

ALEXIS

Really???  Oh my god!  Is she fabulous??!  Of course she’s fabulous.  What the hell was I thinking?

DRIVER

She was a good tipper.  She tipped me 50%.

ALEXIS

Really?

DRIVER

Yeah.  I think she only hires writers that tip 50%.

ALEXIS

You know, that’s so like her.  Thanks for the tip . . . do you like how I did that?  “Tip?”

DRIVER

Yeah.  You’re a real hoot.  You’ll totally get the gig.

The cab finally pulls up to the 30 Rock studios.  Alexis exits the vehicle, giving the driver a $100 bill.

ALEXIS

Keep the change.  I wouldn’t want to disappoint Tina!

DRIVER

Yeah lady.  I’ll put in a good word for you next time I drive her.

The driver pulls away as Alexis attempts to pull out her business card.  Unfazed, Alexis turns and looks at the 30 Rock studios, sighing in happiness and relief.  She looks down one last time at her cheat sheet and returns it to her brand-new satchel in which she had forgotten to remove the price tag.

INT. 30 ROCK STUDIOS LOBBY – LATER

Alexis walks into the lobby and approaches the front desk.  A YOUNG MAN (20s) sits behind the counter, chained to a telephone with a headset.  He sticks a finger at Alexis, signaling her to wait until his call ended.

YOUNG MAN

You hang up first.  No, you hang up first!  I have to go — a wannabe writer is here.  You hang up first!  Ok, I’ll do it!

The young man pretends to hang up by being completely silent.

ALEXIS

Hi —

The young man shushes Alexis with his hand, perturbed by her interruption.

YOUNG MAN

Ok!  You caught me!  I’ll hang up.

He hangs up and turns to Alexis, obviously irritated.

YOUNG MAN

Can I help you?

ALEXIS

Yes.  I have a 10:30 appointment with Ms. Tina Fey.

YOUNG MAN

What’s your name?

ALEXIS NECTAR

Alexis Nectar.

YOUNG MAN

That’s a hell of a name.  You must be real fun.  Go up the elevators to the 10th floor.  Ms. Fey is waiting for you.

Alexis walks down the hallway, enters an elevator, and presses 10.  As the elevator doors close, JANE KRAKOWSKI jumps in at the last second.  Alexis is stunned at her good fortune, and immediately begins to sweat and fidget profusely.

JANE

Whoa!  Almost missed this one!

ALEXIS

Uh, yeah!

Alexis laughs hysterically and moves to the front of the elevator, turning to face Jane.

ALEXIS

You know, I heard on Oprah that the best place to stand in an elevator if you’re alone with one other person is in the front, turned around staring at the other person in the elevator.  That way, you can’t get assaulted because you’re so close to the buttons and because you can make eye contact with the other person.

JANE

Um, yeah.  I hadn’t heard of that.  Thanks for the tip.

Alexis and Jane ride up to the 10th floor in uncomfortable silence.  At the 10th floor, Alexis walks out of the elevator doors and approaches a desk with a sign stating “THE GREAT TINA FEY.”  Jane slips out of the elevator and quickly heads in a different direction.  Alexis approaches the YOUNG LADY (20s) sitting at the desk.

ALEXIS

Hi, I’m a writer.  I’m here to see Ms. Fey?

YOUNG LADY

You must be A-sex-less Nectar?

ALEXIS

It’s Alexis.

YOUNG LADY

Yeah, ok.  Just walk in.  Tina’s waiting for you.

Alexis takes a deep breath and places her hand on a necklace containing an “AN+ESF” pendant.

INT. TINA FEY’S OFFICE – LATER

Alexis opens the door to TINA FEY’S office, and sees Tina sitting behind her desk.  Portraits of Tina’s family and award statuettes litter the otherwise modest office.

TINA

Hi!  You must be Alexis.  Please, have a seat.

ALEXIS

Thanks!

Alexis is horrified that there are three empty chairs in Tina’s office.  With eyes darting from one chair to the next, she finally sits down on the chair closest to the door, and furthest away from Tina’s desk.

TINA

So I’ve read your blog, and I think the writing is actually very funny.  I would love to see your script.

ALEXIS

Yes.  I have it — in my bag — right here.

Alexis begins to pull out her script, and the price tag becomes visible to Tina.

TINA

You going to return that bag after this?  The old rent-a-prom-dress routine?

(looking at the price)

Although it looks like you got this for half off.  Nice work!

ALEXIS

(mortified)

Uh . . . here’s my script.

With shaky hands, Alexis gives Tina the script.

TINA

Thanks!  Why don’t I give this a read right now since you’re in town.  If you’d like, you can wait out in the lobby and I’ll come get you when I’m done?  Does that work for you?

ALEXIS

Yes ma’am.

TINA

Please, call me Tina.

ALEXIS

Uh, ok.  I’m going to wait outside now.

Alexis walks out the door, revealing the hot pink bubblegum on her rear.  Tina notices the gum and thinks that Alexis had sat on the bubblegum Tina left on the chair.

TINA

Oh my god.  I’m sorry!  Looks like you might have sat on some gum — right on your rear.

A mortified Alexis frantically attempts to pick off the last remnants of bubblegum from her behind.  Embarrassed, she throws up in her mouth and —

So my dream sequence didn’t go so well.  Hopefully, if the real thing happens, I’ll have a more pleasant ending.  For my sake and for Tina’s sake.

Discover me, Tina Fey!

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10 Days for Tina Fey — Day Five

Before I begin this post in earnest, I need to preempt any complaints about my failure to post yesterday.  When I said “10 Days for Tina Fey,” I never committed myself to making 10 posts in 10 days.  Even God needs a day off, dammit!

On this Day 5, I’d like to congratulate Tina Fey on winning the SAG Award for best female actor in a comedy series!  I’m not an actor, but for what it’s worth, I not only would have voted for Tina Fey if I could have voted, but I would have also informed all my hot actor friends to also vote for Tina Fey or face the ire from being placed on my shit list.

This Day 5 is also significant, because today is the Lunar New Year (aka Chinese New Year).  As a child, my favorite Lunar New Year tradition was asking for the red envelope from relatives.  Like a juvenile pauper, I would troll around, sticking my little hand out and demanding the red envelope that would enable me to purchase such tasty wonders as the 7-Eleven Big-Bite hot dog and the Taco Bell chicken soft taco.

So in honor of the Lunar New Year, and this festive tradition, I would like to offer Tina Fey her own red envelope.  What would I include in this red envelope?

  1. A key to my apartment — My bro-in-law mentioned to me this last weekend that, should Tina Fey actually hear my pleas, she may be completely frightened of me and think that I am some kind of stalker.  To alleviate any of these concerns, I would enable Tina Fey to covertly inspect my living quarters at her leisure.  After such inspection, Tina Fey will deduce that my hubby and I are ergonomic-loving geeks who play too many video games and partake in a lot of fiber-rich foods — so basically, not stalkerish at all.  Hopefully, however, she will not open my closet door and find the little shrine to Tina Fey in which I have cut out pictures of myself and stuck them next to Tina Fey and written “A. Nectar + ESF 4-Eva.”  Also, I hope she doesn’t find the video on my computer in which I sat in front of my webcam and filmed myself repeating the mantra, “Tina Fey will discover you” over and over again until the hubby interrupted such bantering with something along the lines of, “Hey crazy bitch!  Idol is on!”
  2. A Video of Me Accepting My WGA Award — This video would show Tina Fey exactly how gracious I would be should she give me a chance by reading my script and kick-starting my sit-com writing career.  When I came to America on my little raft, leaving behind my pet panda Ling-Ling, I had no idea that I would be mentored by someone as fabulous as Tina Fey.  I promise that, if Tina Fey were to actually give me a chance, I would return such favor by mentioning her name in my acceptance speech at least 10 times, and I would sob like Halle Berry, continuing to express my gratitude even when the cue music began in a fruitless attempt to cut me off.
  3. Money — I’m not above bribery.  Although I would like to call it an investment of sorts.
  4. My 30 Rock spec script.

Discover me, Tina Fey!

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10 Days for Tina Fey — Day Four

On this day four of my 10 Days for Tina Fey series, I’d first like to thank GLW for starting a facebook cause to further disseminate my pleas.  Should the facebook cause lead to Tina Fey actually reading my script, I will krump in front of GL.  Too bad I already krumped (aka epileptic chicken dance) at my wedding, but this krump will be far different because I will put myself into costume and pretend that I’m actually auditioning for SYTYCD.  I digress.

Speaking of reality television competitions, the hubby and I were watching a DVR’d episode of American Idol this morning, and it got me thinking.  I’ve always found it strange that a contestant will “sing” to the point of blood actually dripping out my ears, and when they are unequivocally informed that singing is not a career that should ever be pursued, the usual response is to sing again, and even louder.

So I thought to myself . . . what if Tina Fey actually reads my script and tells me something along the lines of, “Oh hell no.  Bitch, you really should stick with the legal profession.”  What would I do?  Would I try, try, and try again until Tina Fey became so fed up with me that she allowed me be a runner for the entire cast?  Would I hang my head in defeat and attempt to find a silver lining by asking if Tina Fey needed any legal assistance?  Would I become confused as to my ultimate goals and respond like an Idol contestant by doing my best version of “Vision of Love,” with a staccato wave of my right pointer finger in the air and shoving my left finger in my ear as if I had a faux-earpiece?

Upon reflection, I now cannot mock the aforementioned Idol contestants, because I too would utterly embarrass myself and my entire family for one more chance at impressing Tina Fey.  Like a broken record, I would break out every joke in my repertoire, hoping that something would stick and change Tina Fey’s mind.  I would moonwalk, do the funky chicken, and make shadow puppets, praying that one of these otherwise useless “talents,” would induce a laugh.  I would not care if the induced laugh was one of discomfort, of Tina Fey feeling pity for the shameless woman baring her comedic soul.  Like Meatloaf circa 1993, I’d Do Anything For Tina Fey (sans the But I Won’t Do That, because I will — believe me, I will).

Savor my devotion.  Discover me, Tina Fey!

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10 Days for Tina Fey — Day Three

It’s Day Three of my 10 Days for Tina Fey, and on this day, I have realized a job that I unfortunately cannot fulfill for Ms. Fey.  It crushes me to think that there is potentially a void in Ms. Fey’s life that I cannot competently fill, but I must be honest about my abilities so as to not overextend expectations.  What is it that I cannot do?

I cannot be Tina Fey’s sense of direction.  For those who know me, you are well aware of the depths of my ineptitude when it comes to directions.  I’m the one who heads left to the ballgame, when throngs of individuals head right to the gigantic stadium in full view.  I’m the one who wanders aimlessly around a restaurant after using the restroom, unable to find my table.  I’m the one who cries hysterically because I have managed to trap myself in the pet food aisle of the grocery store and have become stoned at the smell of pureed liver.

Indeed, my confidence in my utter lack of direction has caused me to develop a method by which I can find my way.  Like a blind man with a heightened sense of smell, I have adapted to my flaws by relying on my gut to tell me where I should not venture.  I think right — I go left.  It was down a floor — I go up a floor.

So what led me to make this confession to Tina Fey?  To splay open my deepest flaws for Ms. Fey’s critical eye?  Well, this morning, I attempted to go to the doctor and was nearly thwarted by my own inability.  Although I was armed with a GPS device that took me into the general vicinity, I emerged from my vehicle and encountered the largest medical building known to man (at least in Virginia).  Having failed to fully prepare for this adventure (e.g. writing down the damn doctor’s suite number), I entered the closest entrance and began my quest.  After asking several individuals for the location of my doctor, I finally found my way to Information.  The woman at Information looked at me with a sense of judgment gleaming in her eyes.  She informed me that I had, of course, parked at the complete opposite end of the building to which I should have gone.  I broke into a crippled jog, blasting through hospital double doors like a young cardiologist in any number of medical dramas.  Finally, I found my way to what I believed to be the last building in the series and approached the woman at Information, upon which I immediately asked her for the location of my doctor.  And, as if I was beamed into a sit-com, the looked-like-she-might-die-at-any-point woman fumbled around for her spectacles, and began chit-chatting with me about how she has three different directories, and she was not sure which would have my particular doctor.  After what seemed like hours, she finally informed me that I needed to cross the street to enter yet another building in the complex.  I dashed out, hair blowing in the wind, growing happier and knappier as I entered the final building and made my way into the doctor’s office, scaring the crap out of the receptionist, who of course told me to wait 15 minutes.

I apologize for the digression.  The point of this is that, in the interest of full disclosure, I must inform Tina Fey that I cannot act as a directional guide in any capacity.

However, my 30 Rock spec script is complete.  Discover me, Tina Fey!

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