Meet Marcus Schrenker. Schrenker is a financial manager based in Indiana and the President of Heritage Wealth Management. The SEC and other investigators are probing into the activities of Heritage Wealth Management, with all signs pointing to the company managing a Ponzi scheme (see Bernie Madoff). As a little icing on the cake of despair, Schrenker’s wife also recently filed for divorce. So if you were Schrenker, what would you do?
Hell, I’d fake my death! Yes! On Sunday night, Schrenker took off on a solo flight in his soon-to-be repo’d corporate plane. While in the air, Schrenker called air traffic control, reporting that his windshield had imploded and that he was bleeding profusely. Turns out that Schrenker had made the distress call, put the plane on auto-pilot at 2,000 feet, and parachuted out to safety, allowing the plane to crash into the Florida swamps, less than a football field away from homes. When authorities approached the plane, they found no blood, the windshield intact, and the door ajar.
So where was Schrenker? The genius landed and decided to approach police officers (that is not a typo), dripping wet and with his flight goggles still on his head. He told the officer that he had been in a “canoeing accident,” and the officer took Schrenker to a nearby hotel. Once word was out about the crash, officers headed back to the hotel, but Schrenker had already fled into the woods after first donning a black cap.
Ok — I have no idea how this guy was able to pull off any alleged Ponzi scheme. What a moron. First, if you’re going to call air traffic control reporting a broken windshield and profuse bleeding, perhaps you should — I don’t know — break your windshield and at least splatter some ketchup around the damn thing before you parachute out. It’s like a PI plaintiff alleging total incapacitation from an accident and then spending the next day playing Ironman football. Second, you seriously thought it was a good idea to approach the police after you landed? With your flight goggles still located on your head? Way to be inconspicuous. Finally, you allow the police officer to take you to a hotel, where you pay in cash and then flee into the damn woods? Oh yeah — I’m sure nobody is going to find you with your wicked survival skills.
My head is about to explode with commentary. Schrenker — welcome to the Island.