Last night, I had dinner with ML, and we began to speak about Natalie Dylan and the Cherry Poppin’ Sugar Daddies. I told ML my theory of how there may be a specific range of price that would minimize the chances of a complete and total freak winning. ML was quick to point out that anyone who would be willing to pay to pop the cherry is already a freak, so why not just get as much money as possible for giving it up?
During our discussion, I began to wonder whether anyone would seek to replicate Dylan’s potential success with his or her own auction. In the harsh realities of the current economic landscape, there may be many individuals who are considering — shall we say — alternative careers. For these sexual entrepreneurs (aka prostitutes, hookers), it may make sense to create a Sexual Ponzi Scheme to maximize compensation while minimizing “exposure.” What is a Sexual Ponzi Scheme, you ask? Well, Natalie Dylan is essentially a sexual fantasy — for a man to have the “privilege” of being a woman’s first. She’s just doing it in a way that enables her to take a short retirement and buy a beach house by Pismo Beach. I digress.
What is stopping any other sexual entrepreneur from pursuing this same avenue — offering the same services for an exponentially higher price? And here is where the Sexual Ponzi Scheme comes in. I would venture to guess that most sexual entrepreneurs started in the business with a little . . . experience. Hence, they would not be able to legitimately offer the deal that Dylan is offering. However, what is to stop someone from pretending to be a virgin? In a Ponzi scheme, the financial manager tells a potential investor that s/he can guarantee high returns. The continuous influx of investments keeps the financial manager afloat, while meeting the expectations of prior investors, thereby enabling further misplaced confidence and investments. Why not do it here? Offer your virginity, even if you’re not a virgin. Guarantee high returns. Hell, to keep up the facade, work on some kegel and thigh exercises. And on the fateful night in which you cash in, bring some dyed corn syrup (or ketchup in a pinch) to cover your tracks. Bah da bing! You’re $5 mill richer! After obtaining such funds, you could surely begin to run your own Cherry Poppin’ Firm, in which you could enlist other sexual entrepreneurs who can offer the same false promises to clients eager to invest in the thrill of being a woman’s first.
I mean, you’d basically be Bernie Madoff with a pair of FMBs, chocolate panties, hoop earrings, and a tube of Wet n’ Wild.