Before I begin this post in earnest, I need to preempt any complaints about my failure to post yesterday. When I said “10 Days for Tina Fey,” I never committed myself to making 10 posts in 10 days. Even God needs a day off, dammit!
On this Day 5, I’d like to congratulate Tina Fey on winning the SAG Award for best female actor in a comedy series! I’m not an actor, but for what it’s worth, I not only would have voted for Tina Fey if I could have voted, but I would have also informed all my hot actor friends to also vote for Tina Fey or face the ire from being placed on my shit list.
This Day 5 is also significant, because today is the Lunar New Year (aka Chinese New Year). As a child, my favorite Lunar New Year tradition was asking for the red envelope from relatives. Like a juvenile pauper, I would troll around, sticking my little hand out and demanding the red envelope that would enable me to purchase such tasty wonders as the 7-Eleven Big-Bite hot dog and the Taco Bell chicken soft taco.
So in honor of the Lunar New Year, and this festive tradition, I would like to offer Tina Fey her own red envelope. What would I include in this red envelope?
- A key to my apartment — My bro-in-law mentioned to me this last weekend that, should Tina Fey actually hear my pleas, she may be completely frightened of me and think that I am some kind of stalker. To alleviate any of these concerns, I would enable Tina Fey to covertly inspect my living quarters at her leisure. After such inspection, Tina Fey will deduce that my hubby and I are ergonomic-loving geeks who play too many video games and partake in a lot of fiber-rich foods — so basically, not stalkerish at all. Hopefully, however, she will not open my closet door and find the little shrine to Tina Fey in which I have cut out pictures of myself and stuck them next to Tina Fey and written “A. Nectar + ESF 4-Eva.” Also, I hope she doesn’t find the video on my computer in which I sat in front of my webcam and filmed myself repeating the mantra, “Tina Fey will discover you” over and over again until the hubby interrupted such bantering with something along the lines of, “Hey crazy bitch! Idol is on!”
- A Video of Me Accepting My WGA Award — This video would show Tina Fey exactly how gracious I would be should she give me a chance by reading my script and kick-starting my sit-com writing career. When I came to America on my little raft, leaving behind my pet panda Ling-Ling, I had no idea that I would be mentored by someone as fabulous as Tina Fey. I promise that, if Tina Fey were to actually give me a chance, I would return such favor by mentioning her name in my acceptance speech at least 10 times, and I would sob like Halle Berry, continuing to express my gratitude even when the cue music began in a fruitless attempt to cut me off.
- Money — I’m not above bribery. Although I would like to call it an investment of sorts.
- My 30 Rock spec script.
Discover me, Tina Fey!