10 Days for Tina Fey — Day Six

Last night, my hubby mentioned that I may be getting obsessed with this whole 10 Days for Tina Fey campaign.  Curiously, I found myself feeling flattered by what obviously was not intended to be a compliment.  I quickly whisked myself away in a dream sequence, during which I imagined my first meeting with Tina Fey.  Complete with my own original soundtrack, I found myself creating my own (hopefully to be based on reality) script.  WordPress doesn’t allow proper formatting, but here is my best attempt at recreating the dream sequence that brought me unadulterated happiness:

EXT. JFK AIRPORT – MORNING

ALEXIS (29), unprepared for the bitter northeast cold, shivers in her suit as she flags down a New York City Taxicab.  A cab careens around the corner and Alexis throws her bag into the trunk and climbs in, sitting squarely on a piece of hot pink bubblegum left by the last passenger.  The cab is filled with rave music and the DRIVER (50s) moves to the beat like an epileptic chicken on acid.

DRIVER

Where ya going?

Alexis attempts to peel the bubblegum off her ass.

ALEXIS

30 Rock studios please.   I’m a writer.  I’m meeting Tina Fey.

DRIVER

Sure you are.

The driver pulls out of JFK and turns the music louder.  Alexis gives up on the bubblegum and pulls out a cheat sheet of topics to discuss with Tina Fey, labeled MY ONE SHOT AT ETERNAL BLISS.  She holds it close to her heart and sways in glee.  The driver sways the cab to the beat of the music, causing Alexis to suddenly feel sick.

ALEXIS

Do you think you could slow down a little?  I’m feeling a little sick.

DRIVER

It’s Manhattan, baby.  There ain’t no slow in Manhattan.  (beat)  You know, I’ve driven Tina Fey before.

ALEXIS

Really???  Oh my god!  Is she fabulous??!  Of course she’s fabulous.  What the hell was I thinking?

DRIVER

She was a good tipper.  She tipped me 50%.

ALEXIS

Really?

DRIVER

Yeah.  I think she only hires writers that tip 50%.

ALEXIS

You know, that’s so like her.  Thanks for the tip . . . do you like how I did that?  “Tip?”

DRIVER

Yeah.  You’re a real hoot.  You’ll totally get the gig.

The cab finally pulls up to the 30 Rock studios.  Alexis exits the vehicle, giving the driver a $100 bill.

ALEXIS

Keep the change.  I wouldn’t want to disappoint Tina!

DRIVER

Yeah lady.  I’ll put in a good word for you next time I drive her.

The driver pulls away as Alexis attempts to pull out her business card.  Unfazed, Alexis turns and looks at the 30 Rock studios, sighing in happiness and relief.  She looks down one last time at her cheat sheet and returns it to her brand-new satchel in which she had forgotten to remove the price tag.

INT. 30 ROCK STUDIOS LOBBY – LATER

Alexis walks into the lobby and approaches the front desk.  A YOUNG MAN (20s) sits behind the counter, chained to a telephone with a headset.  He sticks a finger at Alexis, signaling her to wait until his call ended.

YOUNG MAN

You hang up first.  No, you hang up first!  I have to go — a wannabe writer is here.  You hang up first!  Ok, I’ll do it!

The young man pretends to hang up by being completely silent.

ALEXIS

Hi —

The young man shushes Alexis with his hand, perturbed by her interruption.

YOUNG MAN

Ok!  You caught me!  I’ll hang up.

He hangs up and turns to Alexis, obviously irritated.

YOUNG MAN

Can I help you?

ALEXIS

Yes.  I have a 10:30 appointment with Ms. Tina Fey.

YOUNG MAN

What’s your name?

ALEXIS NECTAR

Alexis Nectar.

YOUNG MAN

That’s a hell of a name.  You must be real fun.  Go up the elevators to the 10th floor.  Ms. Fey is waiting for you.

Alexis walks down the hallway, enters an elevator, and presses 10.  As the elevator doors close, JANE KRAKOWSKI jumps in at the last second.  Alexis is stunned at her good fortune, and immediately begins to sweat and fidget profusely.

JANE

Whoa!  Almost missed this one!

ALEXIS

Uh, yeah!

Alexis laughs hysterically and moves to the front of the elevator, turning to face Jane.

ALEXIS

You know, I heard on Oprah that the best place to stand in an elevator if you’re alone with one other person is in the front, turned around staring at the other person in the elevator.  That way, you can’t get assaulted because you’re so close to the buttons and because you can make eye contact with the other person.

JANE

Um, yeah.  I hadn’t heard of that.  Thanks for the tip.

Alexis and Jane ride up to the 10th floor in uncomfortable silence.  At the 10th floor, Alexis walks out of the elevator doors and approaches a desk with a sign stating “THE GREAT TINA FEY.”  Jane slips out of the elevator and quickly heads in a different direction.  Alexis approaches the YOUNG LADY (20s) sitting at the desk.

ALEXIS

Hi, I’m a writer.  I’m here to see Ms. Fey?

YOUNG LADY

You must be A-sex-less Nectar?

ALEXIS

It’s Alexis.

YOUNG LADY

Yeah, ok.  Just walk in.  Tina’s waiting for you.

Alexis takes a deep breath and places her hand on a necklace containing an “AN+ESF” pendant.

INT. TINA FEY’S OFFICE – LATER

Alexis opens the door to TINA FEY’S office, and sees Tina sitting behind her desk.  Portraits of Tina’s family and award statuettes litter the otherwise modest office.

TINA

Hi!  You must be Alexis.  Please, have a seat.

ALEXIS

Thanks!

Alexis is horrified that there are three empty chairs in Tina’s office.  With eyes darting from one chair to the next, she finally sits down on the chair closest to the door, and furthest away from Tina’s desk.

TINA

So I’ve read your blog, and I think the writing is actually very funny.  I would love to see your script.

ALEXIS

Yes.  I have it — in my bag — right here.

Alexis begins to pull out her script, and the price tag becomes visible to Tina.

TINA

You going to return that bag after this?  The old rent-a-prom-dress routine?

(looking at the price)

Although it looks like you got this for half off.  Nice work!

ALEXIS

(mortified)

Uh . . . here’s my script.

With shaky hands, Alexis gives Tina the script.

TINA

Thanks!  Why don’t I give this a read right now since you’re in town.  If you’d like, you can wait out in the lobby and I’ll come get you when I’m done?  Does that work for you?

ALEXIS

Yes ma’am.

TINA

Please, call me Tina.

ALEXIS

Uh, ok.  I’m going to wait outside now.

Alexis walks out the door, revealing the hot pink bubblegum on her rear.  Tina notices the gum and thinks that Alexis had sat on the bubblegum Tina left on the chair.

TINA

Oh my god.  I’m sorry!  Looks like you might have sat on some gum — right on your rear.

A mortified Alexis frantically attempts to pick off the last remnants of bubblegum from her behind.  Embarrassed, she throws up in her mouth and —

So my dream sequence didn’t go so well.  Hopefully, if the real thing happens, I’ll have a more pleasant ending.  For my sake and for Tina’s sake.

Discover me, Tina Fey!

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