It’s Day Eight of my 10 Days for Tina Fey series, and I have yet to hear from Tina Fey. Alas, although my heart is discouraged, I must forge on in the hopes that continued pleas will yield in victory. So to further entice Tina Fey to respond to my pleas, I’d like to offer her yet another service.
I’m sure most people are aware of the peanut butter recall, which has swept the nation and will likely lead to criminal charges against an unknown number of individuals. Apparently, some folks in a peanut processing plant in Georgia had full knowledge that salmonella had tainted the plant’s products, yet continued to allow manufacturing and distribution of those products. In light of the pervasive “spread” of these potentially tainted peanut butter products, the FDA has issued a far-reaching recall of products containing peanuts originating from this one plant.
I’m not sure if Tina Fey is allergic to peanuts — although I did a quick google search and yielded no results — but I’m sure that she does not have time to actually rid her home of tainted peanut products. I’m sure she also does not have time to conduct the necessary due diligence to ensure that any newly-purchased peanut products entering her home are free from harmful bacteria. Here’s where I come in. Not only will I, Alexis Nectar, vow to work day and night in preparing fresh and sassy scripts for the 30 Rock cast, but I will also act as Peanut-in-Chief, if you will. Like a certain ex-president, I will smoke out the evildoer peanut products, and I will not stop until I can prematurely hang a banner that says, “Mission Accomplished,” while I stand underneath said banner dressed in a Planters Halloween costume like a village idiot. I will act as a Customs Agent for any peanut products that seek entry into Tina Fey’s world, cross-checking the products with the FDA recall list, and otherwise conducting taste tests — putting myself in the line of fire.
Peanut my butter. Butter my peanuts. Discover me, Tina Fey!