Yesterday, Ty Inc. announced that it would rename its Sasha and Malia dolls — the dolls that bore a slight resemblance to Malia and Sasha Obama. The First Lady had denounced Ty Inc.’s obvious attempt to capitalize on the first daughters, and Ty Inc. decided to voluntarily rename the dolls out of respect for the wishes of the first family.
But it got me thinking — Ty Inc. got a buttload of publicity by creating dolls in the first daughters’ likeness. What’s to stop me from attempting to obtain the same kind of publicity? I know what you’re thinking — I agree with you that it perhaps would not be wise for me to create a doll in Tina Fey’s likeness, or in her daughter’s likeness, or in her hubby’s likeness. That would not be cool. But keep in mind that my ultimate goal is not to create a figurine/doll that resembles my comedic idol — my goal is to get the woman’s attention. So I’ve crafted the following list of real personas that may translate into much-needed publicity should I create a doll or figurine of these persons:
- Tom Daschle Talking Action Figure — Also known as “Tommy D,” my Daschle figurine will say various phrases at the push of a button. Phrases such as “Hey baby, want a ride in my expensed limo?” “taxes schmaxes,” and “I heart nomination distractions.”
- Pull-My-Finger Christian Bale — My Christian Bale figurine will come equipped with various costumes, as well as realistic Hollywood set items (camera, lighting) that wind-up Bale can throw a distance of up to 6 feet. And the best part, if you pull Bale’s finger, he’ll tell you what to do with yours.
- Plaxico Burress the Bullet — My Plaxico doll will come equipped with various types of pants, all of which will include flexible waistbands. Each doll is uniquely programmed such that a particular placement of the included replica .9 mm will lead to discharge, which will make your Plaxico doll scream, “I can’t believe I just shot myself doing that stupid thing on TV where people stick guns down their pants.”
I need to partner with a toy manufacturer, because I can’t even draw a proportional stick figure, let alone create a three-dimensional figurine. Well, I know one thing. In addition to the aforementioned phrases, each doll will also be programmed to say, “Discover Alexis Nectar, Tina Fey!” and “alexisnectar.wordpress.com, Tina Fey!”
Yeah baby. I’m thinking outside the box.
Discover me, Tina Fey!