10 New Days for Tina Fey — Day Five

This morning, prior to departing for work, I watched a morning “news” program while I enjoyed a coffee and some light therapy.  Morning news has evolved over the years — from its humble beginnings with local newscasters to its current state in which actual “news” appears sporadically between stories of Katie Couric’s colon, how to make the perfect omelette, and whether caffeine is bad for you (it’s not).  But as I was watching the Today show, I noticed what may be the perfect means by which I can capture the attention of Tina Fey — or at least someone associated with 30 Rock.

There are a hell of a lot of people willing to stand outside Rockefeller Center looking like assholes with a sign.  If that’s what it takes, call me an asshole and give me a contact board and a permanent marker.  Think about it.  In today’s television market, with the increasing popularity of DVR and Tivo, product integration is the only way you can market your product successfully.  What is my product?  Well, my 30 rock script.  But it’s not like I can just appear on the Today show screaming with a board stating, “I have a 30 Rock Script!”  No.  I need to be more inventive than that.

Here is what I propose.  I will strip completely butt-ass naked.  I will build my own replica of a GE range.  Alongside the range will be a set of flashing neon lights that flash, “Discover Me, Tina Fey!”  I will don 3 pairs of “Tina Fey” glasses, one on top of my head, one on my actual nose, and another hanging below like a necklace of desperation.  I will paint my body to match the NBC peacock.  I will position myself in front of Al Roker and for hours, I will pop in and out of the makeshift GE range screaming, “Discover Me, Tina Fey!”

When Al Roker finally hands me the mic, which I am nearly certain would happen unless I got arrested for lewd and lascivious conduct first, I will immediately turn on the hidden speakers within the makeshift GE range, which will play the 30 Rock theme song, and I will scream, “Tina Fey!  I have a script!  Tina Fey!  I love you!”

Oh shit.  What if Tina Fey watches Good Morning America instead?  I suppose I could do the same thing on GMA’s porch, but Diane Sawyer scares the crap out of me.  Whatever.  Anything for Tina Fey!

Discover me, Tina Fey!


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