I shall devote this day seven of my 10 New Days for Tina Fey series to all that is love — because nothing says love like Valentine’s Day and Friday the 13th.
Speaking of Valentine’s Day, I am a woman who believes that Valentine’s Day was invented through a conspiracy between Hallmark, Dom Perignon, and Zagat (or the ancient equivalent). I don’t know when Valentine’s Day started, but I imagine that the CEOs of the aforementioned companies sat around a big round table and concocted a holiday that would force reluctant men all over the world into spending exorbitant amounts of money for flowers, chocolate, alcohol, cards, and food. In return, men receive sexy time, so I guess you could argue that they get the benefit of the bargain, but you could also argue that Valentine’s Day is really a day for men to pretend that they are johns and for women to pretend that they are prostitutes.
I must admit, however, that when I was waitressing during law school, I LOVED Valentine’s Day. It was the one day of the year where I could easily manipulate a man to order that extra bottle of wine or champagne, and where the male would have to give me good tips to show exactly how wonderful of a man he was. I worked at a fine dessert restaurant, so PDA was basically the norm on Valentine’s Day. Just imagine how difficult it was for me to contain my laughter as I watched people attempt to eat their meals and desserts while continuing to hold hands across the table. It can work if one person is a lefty and another is a righty, but most of the time, I watched a poor dude fumbling around with his food as he attempted to work the fork in his left hand into his food, and then essentially stab himself in the face as he made the pathetic attempt at directing the melted chocolate down his throat. And during this entire escapade, the poor man also had to speak sweet nothings to the woman whose hand he was holding. Hell, you might as well clip off the dude’s testicles and place them in his dominant hand, because that was kind of what it looked like.
Don’t get me wrong. I am a romantic. Dirty Dancing is the best movie in the history of time, and the Notebook comes in a close second. But Valentine’s Day? Not for me. (Cue the happiness from my hubby!)
How does this relate to Tina Fey? Well, despite my aversion to the commercialization of Valentine’s Day, if Tina Fey wanted me to prove my devotion to my cause by tying my right hand behind my back and forcing me to eat with my left hand, I’ll do it. I’ll even allow myself to be filmed attempting to grab escargot with a pair of chopsticks. Anything to work for Tina Fey.
Discover me, Tina Fey!