I’m in a bit of a toilet paper quandry. For much of my adult life, I have provided my ass with only the finest that money can buy. After much research and deliberation, I have devotedly purchased and used Charmin for all my toilet needs (and to blow my nose, in a pinch). I love that Charmin consists of two layers of plush, yet resilient, cloth-like material that, when in contact with the human body, provides support and a barrier between my hands and human excrement. Grossed out? Get over it. We all pee and poop.
But I have since come to realize that using Charmin is like wiping your ass with Al Gore’s bleeding heart. According to this Greenpeace Guide, my use of Charmin is blasphemous and against all principles of liberal treehuggers everywhere. Hell, I might as well throw on a fur coat and eat veal stuffed with foie gras while I sit on the throne — that’s how bad Charmin is.
But what do I do? I requested suggestions from my Facebook friends, asking them for recommendations of green, but soft, alternatives. EC suggested “moss” or “sushi wrapping algae.” While quite green (literally), I believe my tendency to develop allergic reactions would lead to quite the disaster should I rub moss on my ass, or ahem, other areas. Moreover, moss and sushi wrapping algae simply don’t possess the resiliency of a standard Charmin 2-ply, and I will run the risk of small segments of said toilet paper alternative getting lodged in areas that should remain free of traffic, if you know what I mean. Would you really want to wipe your ass with this?
Image from How Stuff Works
Or how about turning this into a wad?
Image from Alibaba
Yeah, I don’t think so either. Then my cousin-in-law, DG, asked the perfect question: “How would Tina Fey feel?” So I googled “tina fey toilet paper.” Lo and behold, nothing material showed up (except for my post on how I vetted toilet paper more than Johnny Mac vetted Sarah Palin — apologies for the digression and shameless self-promotion). My guess is that Tina Fey is a green TP shopper, who gets her TP from such liberal havens as Whole Foods or Trader Joes. So Tina Fey, feel free to ignore my pleas, but when you have a chance, could you please tell me what product gets the honor of touching your booty? Many thanks in advance.
Discover me, Tina Fey!