Spring is descending upon Washington, D.C., and I have begun my full panoply of anti-allergy medications. Curiously, although I have sprayed steroids up my nose, and dropped steroids into my eyes, I have not felt any heightened sense of sight or smell. I guess I will not be able to embark on my career as a real-life superhero. Think of all the people I could have saved, like Latreasa Goodman. Listen to her desperate pleas to Florida’s 911 operators (she called 911 THREE times):
It’s a McNuggets emergency! Goodman has since been ordered to appear in court for her misuse of the 911 emergency system. The calls originated from Goodman’s fruitless attempt to purchase a 10-piece chicken McNuggets meal. According to Goodman, she
ordered chicken nuggets. They don’t have chicken nuggets, so I told her, “Just give me my money back,” and she tells me I have to pick something else off the menu. She is not going to give me my money back, and she don’t have the right to take my money.
When police arrived at the scene of the vicious crime against Goodman and the fate of McNuggity, they informed Goodman that her particular situation was not an emergency. Goodman was quick to debate the definition of “emergency,” stating that “This is an emergency. If I would have known they didn’t have McNuggets, I wouldn’t have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don’t want one. This is an emergency.” According to Goodman, she was “robbed.”
A rep from McDonald’s has apologized for the incident, stating that McDonald’s will send Goodman a refund, along with an invitation for Goodman to have her McNuggets meal free of charge.
I have some news for Goodman. McDonald’s never has chicken McNuggets. They only offer light-brown cornmeal chunks that have the texture of particle board. And believe me, I should know, since I ingested my fair share during my “I can’t get fat” phase in high school when food was only good if it was preceded by the word “processed” or “fried.” Ahh, what a wonderful time in my life . . . So Goodman, you are pretty much entitled to call 911 every single time you order chicken McNuggets, because those bitches taking your money are essentially robbing your ass blind as they hand you cornmeal nuggets and BBQ sauce made of high-fructose corn syrup and vinegar.
And give it up to McDonald’s corporate for offering Goodman a free McNuggets meal. If every corporation in America gave a free meal worth $3 as amends for bad service, America would descend even further down the world rankings of health.
I’m suddenly thinking about the 30 Rock episode where Jack and Elisa bond over a McFlurry. That product placement shit doesn’t work on me. Oooo . . . a McFlurry would indeed be tasty though! 6-piece McNuggets and a McFlurry — Can you get a better meal to kick off the spring?
Discover me, Tina Fey!