Virginia, home to Marlboro, will finally become relatively smoke-free on December 1, 2009. Thank goodness! I realize that Virginia is probably the biggest tobacco producing state in the union, but it’s not like we let people drink and drive in Kentucky because bourbon is a large industry. So why let people smoke in enclosed public areas where nonsmokers would suffer from the inhalation of nastiness?
When I saw the news, I decided to do my happy smoke-free dance. What does this dance look like, you ask? Well, I take my hand to my mouth in a smoke-like gesture, and then I pretend to snuff out that faux-cigarette up my ass. Try repeating this dance, adding some jumps and hip sways, to Bobby Brown’s “My Prerogative.”
But let’s get serious here. This bill took quite a bit of legal wrangling to get passed. Virginia House Speaker William Howell eloquently stated, “You’re going to tell a guy who fought in the Battle of the Bulge that he can’t have a cigarette with his coffee at the VFW? You can’t do that.” I mean, seriously. For those who fought in the Battle of the Bulge, they have a free pass to do whatever the hell they want. Want to drive drunk? Go ahead. Want to puff smoke into the face of a pregnant woman? You’ve earned it. Want to have shooting practice in a schoolyard? Aye aye soldier.
You know who would be against this anti-smoking bill? 30 Rock’s Jack Donaghy. Donaghy probably considers nicotine as Darwinian capitalism — the production of goods, designed to kill, to weed out the weak from the rest of society. I, too, have no problem with smoking. Just don’t do it near my burger. Hell, next time I’m in a Virginia bar, I might just have to show everyone my happy smoke-free dance. Perhaps I can start a new, Macarena-like, trend that will catch on like wildfire and lead to me being featured on local news channels, then the Washington Post, and then the NY Times. Holy crap. I better start packing for New York to be on 30 Rock’s writing staff!
Discover me, Tina Fey!