This year’s Tony Awards will be hosted by the incomparable NPH. The New York Times interviewed NPH to gain a glimpse into this year’s Awards. To fans of musicals and Broadway, the Tony Awards bring together some of the biggest names on 42nd street. To me, this year’s Tony Awards means that I will know NPH’s precise geographical location. And knowledge equals stalking power. The Times asked NPH a few questions regarding the show. In my fantasy world, a Times reporter also called me up to inquire about my pleas to Tina Fey NPH.
NYT: You’re very calm and collected, considering that the Tonys are only a few days away.
Me: Well, effective stalking requires the stalker to maintain an element of surprise. A calm and collected demeanor will allow me to bypass certain security protocols, so I can effectively accost NPH, cry hysterically, and throw my script at him.
NYT: When the Tonys asked NPH to host, did you immediately think about stalking NPH, or did you have to think about it?
Me: I’m sorry? What did you ask? I was just looking at these blueprints for the venue.
NYT: How much of a role do you have in crafting what NPH will do and say on stage?
Me: It’s funny you ask that. Because I had a dream the other day where I actually wrote NPH’s entire life. You ever watched Small Wonder? Well, in my dream, NPH was my Vicky, and I was his programmer. I programmed NPH to sing everything, which works out perfectly for the Tonys.
NYT: Do you miss the world of pleading to Tina Fey?
Me: When did I stop?
NYT: Have you ever rehearsed your WGA acceptance speech?
Me: No way, that would be premature. I mean, I guess if I had to say something, it would be:
Years ago, when a Taiwanese immigrant first stepped foot into the land of the free, the home of the brave, she never once imagined that this moment could be possible. I have so many thank, and I know I’ll miss someone before the music is cued up, so let me warn you that you cannot make me leave this stage! First, I’d like to thank my mentors, the talented Tina Fey and Neil Patrick Harris, without whom I could not have made it this far. Second, I’d like to thank my agent, Ari Emanuel, whose blood, sweat, and tears have enabled me to become filthy rich doing what I love. Third, I’d like to thank my hubby, who stood by me and resisted the urge to mock my fantasies, even when he caught me practicing my acceptance speech in front of the mirror as I held my hair brush up in victory. And finally, the fans. I’d like to thank all of the fans who watch the show, the bloggers who recap my show, and even all the criminals who pirate my show and owe me millions in royalties. Because without you, I would have failed in doing what I love. I cannot thank you enough. For everyone out there with a dream—keep pushing, keep cultivating your delusions. Thank you all!
NYT: Did you stalk Tina Fey NPH as a kid, and do you have a favorite memory?
Me: Well, I once scraped my knee and wanted to go see Dr. Howser. I believe that was the moment when I realized that TV people aren’t real. The actual doctor I saw was definitely not as dreamy as Dr. Howser.
NPH, good luck on the Tony Awards! And when you see a Taiwanese chick descending from the ventilation pipes above your dressing room, don’t worry. I’m just dropping off my script.
Discover me, Tina Fey NPH!!