This just in. NPH is in Philly. Geography-phobes, that means NPH is about 2.5 hours away from me (2 hours without traffic plus a healthy dose of mania). Apparently, he is filming a movie.
Originally, I thought the best plan of attack would be to just hop in my car, arrive near the set, scream something along the lines of “NPH, I NEED YOUR SPERM TO MAKE MINI-NPH,” jump the security line, and run as fast as possible while holding a t-shirt gun so that when security finally tackles me, I could fire said t-shirt gun and my script would fly into NPH’s trailer, which hopefully will have an open window because Philly is blistering hot right now.
However, given that I have one shot at this (assuming that a restraining order can be issued after a single act posing as a “threat” to NPH’s physical safety), I’ve decided to brainstorm other ways to get his attention. Neil, if you’re reading this, please come down to DC. I’ll meet you and we can have a lovely chat over a cup of coffee. If you’re into it, my friend still wants to make out with you. And I’m willing to do anything to write scripts for you, like tattoo my forehead with “PROPERTY OF NPH,” or perform my choreographed lyrical hip hop routine to Robin Sparkles’ “Let’s Go to the Mall,” or amend all my business cards to state not only my name, but a parenthetical like “nee NPH’s beyotch.”
Because Neil, I love you that much.
Discover me, Tina Fey NPH!!!