On this tenth and “final” day of my pleas to Tina Fey NPH, I cannot help but be inspired by Governor Mark Sanford and his email proclamations of love. Governor Sanford is one hell of an eloquent ladies’ man. Given that his political career is rapidly swirling down the toilet of self-made indiscretion, he probably needs an alternative career path. After reading your emails—may I suggest, Governor Sanford, that you pursue a career writing Valentine’s Day cards at Hallmark? Or perhaps writing your own Harlequin Romance novels—e.g. a new series entitled, Marky Mark & Her Two Magnificent Parts. I mean, check out these juicy tidbits:
You have a particular grace and calm that I adore. You have a level of sophistication that so fitting with your beauty. I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificent gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curve of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of the night’s light . . .
while all the things above are all too true – at the same time we are in a hopelessly—or as you put it impossible—or how about combine and simply say hopelessly impossible situation of love. How in the world this lightening strike snuck up on us I am still not quite sure. . .
please sleep soundly knowing that despite the best efforts of my head my heart cries out for you, your voice, your body, the touch of your lips, the touch of your finger tips and an even deeper connection to your soul.
Dayum! I’m getting all hot and bothered just reading these (or maybe it’s just acid reflux).
In any event, thank you Governor Sanford for being a total hypocrit. Thank you for providing fodder for my blog. And most of all, thank you for inspiring my tenth plea to Tina Fey NPH. For this final plea, Tina NPH, below I write to you, as my unrequited love.
It is with the utmost regret that I must express my feelings for you through such an impersonal medium. While I certainly would have appreciated the opportunity to be in your esteemed presence, circumstances beyond our control, such as the threat of restraining orders, have extinguished that dream. What I want to express cannot be adequately described by the limited words available in the English language, but I will do my best.
Your work inspires millions, and enables me to continue pressing on through the vicissitudes of life. I could digress and say that you have the ability to make me lose control of my bowels and urinate in my panties, or that I love the way you raise a single eyebrow or that I love the spikes in your hair, the erotic beauty of you holding a fake video camera in Rent in the blistering lights of a Broadway stage . . .
Alas, Tina Neil, we are in a hopeless and impossible struggle of love. Perhaps it is I alone who struggles with our entirely fabricated relationship. But if this is a dream, may it never end. If this is a fantasy, may I continue to ride unicorns with you into the sunset as we escape evil vampires being staked by Buffy while Jenna Maroney sings the soundtrack to my heart.
Please sleep soundly knowing that, despite your best efforts at ignoring my pleas (or the 100-yard TRO), that my fingers cry out to type for you; my brain bleeds plots for you; and my telescope and binoculars are pointed directly toward you. Tina Neil, savor my devotion. Hear my pleas. Cherish my heart.
Discover me, Tina Fey NPH!!!