I’ve been woefully delinquent in my blog postings. It’s been a busy few months—packing up belongings, moving across the country, and then embarking upon a globe-trotting tour complete with a near pick-pocketing experience in which yours truly willed herself from sticking a fist up the perpetrator’s throat and a knee into the perpetrator’s crotch—now that I’ve somewhat settled in the city by the Bay, it’s time to resume my pleas to NPH and Tina Fey.
I asked myself: How can I place myself into a position where I can fully comprehend what it feels like to be a writer? And then, it dawned upon me. Actors better themselves in their craft by fully submerging themselves in a particular role. I must better my craft by becoming what most writers are: struggling and unemployed.
So today, my adventures took me to Chinatown, where flocks of mostly Cantonese-speaking Chinese people flood the streets in an all-out, cheap grocery shopping assault. I navigated my way through the crowds, making sure to absorb the literary and comedic fodder around me. Seeking respite from the human storm, I walked into a somewhat empty fish store, where soon-to-be eaten crabs and lobsters were clawing in tanks, likely unaware of their fate. The crustaceans attempted to claw at each other, made futile by the rubber bands rendering their claws impotent. I began to ponder various plots involving the human equivalent of such helplessness . . .
Suddenly, a giant turtle started climbing up the side of its enclosure and fell over backwards, creating a ginormous splash, leaving my exposed leg covered with not one, not two, but three nasty drops of turtle water. I squealed in fright and jumped in shock, only to find that the once-empty store had become filled with patrons—all of whom were staring at me as if I had walked in with the plague (or SARS, I was in Chinatown). I immediately ran out of the store, thereby ending today’s adventure.
Ahhh, the life of a struggling writer. Tina and/or NPH—how could you not want to hire me after what I’ve just been through?