Category Archives: Movies

Adventures of the Struggling Writer — Day 4

I have continued to brainstorm means by which I can attract the attention of Tina Fey and NPH.  While I continue in this successless endeavor, I have honed my skills as a writer by watching hours and hours of television and cinema.  On Friday, I joined legions of other moviegoers in watching “Avatar,” the movie about blue people.  And for my two readers—don’t worry, I will provide fair warning as to any spoilers in this post.

To be perfectly frank, I did not want to see Avatar.  The preview did not adequately inspire me to want to spend hard-earned cash to sit in a cramped movie theater, attempting to watch the film while holding my pee (and cursing myself for drinking that last Diet Coke), and trying desperately not to curse at the idiots who insist on talking on the phone or texting a friend (who often happens to be sitting right next to that wretched and rude individual).  How exciting could a movie about blue people be?  As a child, I had a voracious appetite for all things Smurfs, at one point deciding that I would become Mrs. Handy Smurf.  Perhaps the movie is like the Smurfs?  Lots of blue people, with a single blue female who, by necessity, is the town whore?  Or perhaps the color of the indigenous people in Avatar is more symbolic, reflecting some sort of underlying theme or meaning behind a film that otherwise superficially appears to be the consequence of providing $230 million in expendable cash to a boy who likes special effects?  In any event, suffice it to say that I was not expecting to enjoy this film.  Indeed, I was expecting to leave this film feeling like I had just earned enough goodwill to force the hubby to attend the next feature film based on a novel by Nicholas Sparks.

Alas—and here come the spoilers—I LOVED this movie.  Yes, folks, I love the Na’vi.  The film contained just the right mix of conflict, fantasy, and romance to make me, an originally skeptical participant, into a real believer.  I like to think that the film itself is a strange mash-up of “The Last Samurai,” “The Little Mermaid,” and “The Smurfs.”  You’ll understand what I mean if you watch the film.  Negatives of the film include some horribly-written one-liners—likely a reflection of how Cameron views military personnel as individuals who are forced to shed humanity in favor of barbarousness; and the casting of Giovanni Ribisi, whose cheeks are just a little too pinchable for a character who the viewer is supposed to despise.  Additionally, the climactic fight scene to the death lasts just a bit too long, with GI Joe refusing to just fall over and die, making the film a bit Michael Bay-esque.

After watching this film in 2D format, I now must return to the theater to watch the 3D IMAX spectacle.  Perhaps, in honor of the film, I will paint myself blue, sprout a tail, and grow a magical ponytail that will enable me to control mythical aerial creatures.  One can only dream.

Discover me, Tina Fey & NPH!

Just for shits and giggles, here’s a picture of a female Na’vi with a sexy Smurf.  I’m growling right now.

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10 Spankin’ New Days For Tina Fey — Day One

You ever wonder why it is that people say something is “spankin’ new?”  I mean, it’s obviously not literal, since you can’t spank something to the point in which time is reversed and the object of the spanking suddenly becomes brand new.  I suppose, however, if you are spanking a rump, you could theoretically spank it the point in which the epidermis peels off, after which you technically are spanking a “new” outer layer of flesh.  Ew.

Speaking of spankin’ new, my friend TG posted some of her favorite movies on Facebook (aka Internet crack), one of which was “Something New,” starring the incredibly handsome (and Australian) Simon Baker.  In defense of the movie’s irresistible qualities, TG mentioned a scene in which Baker kisses Sanaa Lathan in the rain outside, then proceeds to take her into her home and kisses her again despite Lathan’s request that Baker leave.  In TG’s words, that really was “the hotness!”

But this got me thinking about how the hotness of a scene like this really is in the eyes of the beholder.  Allow me to explain.  Below is picture of Simon Baker.

Simon "the Hotness" Baker

Image from Livejournal

Now, for those who’ve seen the movie, Baker plays a landscape architect.  Take a look at the picture below, which is what I typically imagine when I think of landscapers.

Growl

Image from Flickr

What is my point here?  Well, the aforementioned scene of a man kissing a woman in the rain, and then continuing to kiss said woman in her home after she asks you to leave — depending on who the man is, it’s either “the hotness” or just plain sexual assault.  And that can be said in a number of situations.  In college, I remember my girlfriends and I would go this 18+ club, as none of us had fake IDs.  The male clientele at this club was quite varied, from 18-year old frat boys (Sigma Pi, What a Guy!) to 40-year old nasties.  In any event, there was  an inverse relationship between a man’s hotness and whether that man’s actions were considered “flirting” or “sexual assault.”  For the nasties, a simple leer from across the entire expanse of the dance floor could lead to us seeking assistance from club security.  But if you were a hottie, go ahead and do whatever you want, honey.

This has me thinking — does the same inverse relationship exist for comedians?  For someone like Tina Fey, whose career has supplied her with a wealth of goodwill, does she garner laughs simply by opening her mouth?  And what about yours truly, being a self-described amateur comedian, am I the equivalent of the 40-year old nasty in the middle of a crowded college dance floor leering at girls who are younger than my 3 kids with 3 different baby mamas?  I have to think that there must be some middle ground in which I reside.  Perhaps I’m the comedic equivalent of the 30-year old, moderately attractive and professionally successful person, who did not realize that said club attracted 18-year old college kids?  Alas, accurate assessment of my own comedic abilities may not itself be an ability I possess.  But if Tina Fey loves my script, I’d probably run streaking across town screaming, “I’m funny!  I’m really funny!”

Discover me, Tina Fey!

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10 New Days for Tina Fey — Day Two

Yesterday, Ty Inc. announced that it would rename its Sasha and Malia dolls — the dolls that bore a slight resemblance to Malia and Sasha Obama.  The First Lady had denounced Ty Inc.’s obvious attempt to capitalize on the first daughters, and Ty Inc. decided to voluntarily rename the dolls out of respect for the wishes of the first family.

But it got me thinking — Ty Inc. got a buttload of publicity by creating dolls in the first daughters’ likeness.  What’s to stop me from attempting to obtain the same kind of publicity?  I know what you’re thinking — I agree with you that it perhaps would not be wise for me to create a doll in Tina Fey’s likeness, or in her daughter’s likeness, or in her hubby’s likeness.  That would not be cool.  But keep in mind that my ultimate goal is not to create a figurine/doll that resembles my comedic idol — my goal is to get the woman’s attention.  So I’ve crafted the following list of real personas that may translate into much-needed publicity should I create a doll or figurine of these persons:

  • Tom Daschle Talking Action Figure — Also known as “Tommy D,” my Daschle figurine will say various phrases at the push of a button.  Phrases such as “Hey baby, want a ride in my expensed limo?” “taxes schmaxes,” and “I heart nomination distractions.”
  • Pull-My-Finger Christian Bale — My Christian Bale figurine will come equipped with various costumes, as well as realistic Hollywood set items (camera, lighting) that wind-up Bale can throw a distance of up to 6 feet.  And the best part, if you pull Bale’s finger, he’ll tell you what to do with yours.
  • Plaxico Burress the Bullet — My Plaxico doll will come equipped with various types of pants, all of which will include flexible waistbands.  Each doll is uniquely programmed such that a particular placement of the included replica .9 mm will lead to discharge, which will make your Plaxico doll scream, “I can’t believe I just shot myself doing that stupid thing on TV where people stick guns down their pants.”

I need to partner with a toy manufacturer, because I can’t even draw a proportional stick figure, let alone create a three-dimensional figurine.  Well, I know one thing.  In addition to the aforementioned phrases, each doll will also be programmed to say, “Discover Alexis Nectar, Tina Fey!” and “alexisnectar.wordpress.com, Tina Fey!”

Yeah baby.  I’m thinking outside the box.

Discover me, Tina Fey!

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Legally Blonde – The Musical

This last weekend, the hubby and I went to the Kennedy Center to watch Legally Blonde, the Musical.  As a whole, the musical was quite the accurate adaptation of the movie I love.  There were quite a few mentions of UCLA, which made me want to lead the entire crowd in an 8-clap (but I refrained).  The depictions of Harvard were quite accurate, as they had the gates, the benches and they mentioned “Hauser.”  The hubby and I chuckled at these minor, but accurate, details.

Legally Blonde - The Musical

I recall that, in law school, JG and I used to always remark at how we felt like little fishies out of water.  I did indeed feel like Elle Woods, sans Bruiser, pink, heels, blonde, and sorority, of course.

As I look back at my three years of law school, I surprise myself with the fact that I actually have good memories.  I found some lifelong friends.  I found my hubby.  I discovered that people don’t all die when the weather goes below 40.  I watched a CV Thrilla for the first time (hee hee).  I consumed a lot of clam chowda.  And I learned how to make a mean dirty martini.

But ultimately, underneath it all, I’m still Elle Woods.  Fish out of water, but an ambitious pirahna-like fish who will eat you alive should you attempt to take advantage of me based on antiquated assumptions as to what asian women are supposed to be like . . . beyotch.

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RDJ: Salon’s Sexiest Man Living

I have to agree with Salon on this one.  While I do like me some Hugh Jackman (People’s pick), RDJ won my heart as Peter in Only You.  He also had one of the greatest monologues in movie history with his “Never go full retard” speech in Tropic Thunder.  And as for that whole cocaine and crack business?  Well, everybody makes mistakes.  But dude is still foine.  For the love of Fridays and RDJ, some pics for your viewing pleasure (and although I hate cigarettes, you can’t smell smoke through hot photographs):

RDJ is smoking . . . hot

RDJ Lounging

RDJ smoking hot again in Esquire

 

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Ron Livingston Urges You to Vote EARLY!

Ron Livingston, aka Peter Gibbons of Office Space, urges you to vote early for change.  With just a few days left to vote early (to free yourself to work for change on election day), now is the time to get up off your seat and make a difference.

If you can take the day off on election day, I urge you to do so.  The Obama campaign can surely use additional volunteers to monitor polls, make telephone calls etc.  Your assistance in this endeavor could make all the difference.  Besides, why would you want to go to work?  See Peter Gibbons and Co. in action to inspire you to take the day off and avoid this mental breakdown:

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The Most Stupid Republican in America

First, I don’t purport to argue that every single Republican is stupid.  There are plenty of reasonable and intelligent Republicans (who, in my experience, all agree that Sarah Palin is a moron) — so this post should not be interpreted as presenting a belief that all Republicans are dumb.  So who is the most stupid Republican in America?  Good guess if it’s this person:

 Another intelligent guess would be this idiot:

But alas, a new Republican has come into my crosshairs, in a blaze of glorified stupidity.  Meet Ashley Todd:

Now, as most of you are aware, Ms. Todd is a 20-year old student and a member of the College Republicans.  She is also a prime example that apparently, anyone can get into college — even racist, stupid, crazy people.  Ashley Todd made headline news when she told investigators of a vicious attack by a tall black man.  Ms. Todd reported that she was mugged at an ATM by a 6′ 4″ black man — and that when the evil black man saw the McCain/Palin tag on her vehicle, the evil black man went all “ghetto” on her, beat her ass down, and carved a “B” for Barack on her face.

The conservative media jumped on the story, implying that Ms. Todd was the victim of racial animosity by a black “friend” of Senator Obama.

Investigators, however, were puzzled at inconsistencies in Ms. Todd’s story, plus the fact that this allegedly crazy black man apparently did not know how to write the letter B, which appeared backwards on Ms. Todd’s cheek.  Ultimately, Ms. Todd admitted to making the whole shit up, is now claiming that she’s crazy, and has been disowned by the Republican party.

When I saw this story, I thought of Tina Fey.  I know what you’re thinking — why would I think of Tina Fey, the person I hold in the most esteemed regard and is the queen of intelligent comedy?  Well, if you saw Mean Girls, you’ll know why the association sprang up in my mind.  As you may know, the Mean Girls consisted of Queen Bee Regina George, who was ultimately replaced by Cady Heron, and also Gretchen Wieners and Karen Smith.  The girls were preparing to attend the annual Spring Fling, and Karen Smith decided to spruce up her outfit by sticking jewels on her chest to form the letter “K.”

If Ashley Todd watched this movie, my guess is that she stopped at this point, was completely inspired by Karen Smith, and then proceeded to beat her face with a hockey stick and carve a B with a rusty nail file.  Poor Ashley Todd.  If only she watched . . . just a minute later to see how Karen actually looked at the Spring Fling!

Ahh, which brings me to my plea to Tina Fey.  Way to go Tina Fey!  Who would have thought that Tina Fey would have anticipated, in 2004, that she could be the inspiration for someone who could make the GOP look even more stupid?  Nice job!  Tina Fey — you are fabulous.  Discover me, Tina Fey!

Picture from Bubbley’s Screenshot Gallery

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