Category Archives: Television

Adventures of the Struggling Writer — Day 6

I am a sucker for technology.  I grew up hanging out with my older brother, who was one of the first people to ever get a cell phone.  You know, one of those ginormous monstrosities that looked like it was going to engulf the side of your head?  Well, flash forward now to 2010 (pronounced twenty-ten), and my adoration and fascination with technology has continued.  In no particular order, I’m looking forward to acquiring the following:

  • An Apple Tablet computer:  Rumors are that the Tablet will be akin to a super-sized iPod Touch.  Currently, I use my Touch to play Bejeweled, check and update my Twitter (follow me at @alexisnectar), study my Mandarin Chinese flashcards (so that when I finally meet Tina Fey & NPH in person, I can say, “Renshi ni hen gao xing!” and to NPH specifically, “Wo yao sheng ni de xiao hai”), and watch the Robin Sparkles music video, “Sandcastles in the Sand.”  Since the Tablet will simply be a Biggest Loser version of the iPod Touch (I’m talking season premiere episode), I will be able to enjoy my iTouch activities in the American way—go big, or go home!
  • A Parrot AR.Drone remote-controlled quadricopter:  The hubby and I have been wanting to get remote-controlled helicopters after we played around with the heli gifted to our cousin for Chrismakkah.  Hubby thinks that I want one so we can race our helicopters.  Between you and me, however, I have much higher aspirations.  Wink Wink.  Knee Slap!  Imagine what I could do with a device that could carry a small video camera, and fly up high into the skylines of Southern California and Manhattan—high enough to peer into the windows of certain individuals, perhaps named Tina or Neil?  Now imagine if that helicopter had sufficient power to act almost like a homing pigeon (sans shit), thereby allowing it to carry a tightly bound script and dump it into an open window of certain individuals, perhaps named Tina or Neil?  The possibilities are limitless!
  • A 3D Television:  After watching Avatar in IMAX 3D, I now know that 3D is the future of entertainment.  The media conglomerates are indeed jumping on this bandwagon, as significant capital is being invested into the development of 3D television sets and programming for the home viewer.  ESPN will be launching a 3D network this spring, and other channels will soon follow, depending on the inevitable success of the venture.  I too want a 3D television and the accompanying 3D glasses.  Currently, television is not solely a solitary sport—you can watch television with your friends and family and enjoy the brainless entertainment together.  However, with 3D television, the possibilities of seclusion are finally within grasp.  Armed with 3D glasses that blur out everything but the TV, we will finally be empowered to sit alone and isolate ourselves from all non-digital humanity.  I can already imagine watching a 30 Rock episode where Liz trips on an icy Manhattan sidewalk and flings a mustard-topped Nathan’s hot dog into my face, meant not to add anything to the substance of the show, but rather to shamelessly take advantage of 3D technology and includes advertising.  Or an episode of HIMYM where Barney steps out of the screen before me, sticks out his chest, raises his chin, winks, and says, “I.  Am.  Awesome.”

I wonder when I’ll be able to record myself in 3D.  I envision my 3D self taking over the airwaves, pleading to Tina Fey & NPH to hear my cries for help discovery.  Technology will make my delusions of grandeur finally come to fruition.

Discover me, Tina Fey & NPH!!!

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Filed under Discover Me, Plea to NPH, Plea to Tina Fey, Television

Adventures of the Struggling Writer — Day Three

This weekend, I watched the film, Julie & Julia—primarily because it starred Meryl Streep and the chick from Enchanted.  I mean, Meryl Streep is like the most celebrated actor of all time.  She’s kind of like bacon.  If it’s got bacon, you know it’s gonna be good (except for that awful bacon dessert made by Kevin aka “the MIT guy” on Top Chef—can we say EW?).

I had no idea what to expect in watching the film, but I become quite envious of the Julie character (I was going to say spoiler alert, except it’s not a spoiler to state the complete obvious), because she effectively became rich and famous by blogging.  Julie earned her accolades by going through the Julia Child cookbook, “Mastering the Art of French Cooking,” and blogging about her attempts at accurately following the directions of the iconic American Frenchie, Julia Child.

So I’ve been inspired by Julie to continue in my pleas to Tina Fey and NPH who, to date, have yet to acknowledge my existence.  Although, in a moment of sheer insanity, I did believe that the most recent HIMYM contained NPH’s secret signals to me—you know, when he continually winked at the camera.  I was totally like, “Neil!  I see you!  I love you!  I will carry your lovechild!  I will travel to LA to find you and follow you in a totally legal and non-stalkerish fashion!”  I digress.

What can I, an attorney with outlandish dreams of eventually becoming an EGOT winner, possibly write about, on a consistent basis, that would yield in the achievement of my laughable fantasies?  I certainly don’t have the patience or wherewithal to cook from a fancy French cookbook every day (unless someone were to provide me with a substantial advance . . .).  I could write about my attempts at mimicking dance routines from SYTYCD, but such shenanigans cannot be adequately described in just words alone—just a couple weeks ago, I tried to complete at least 5 pirouettes in sequence and found that my body would effectively become frozen at about 3/4 of a pirouette, causing me to tumble to the floor in a heap of all that is not graceful.

Perhaps that, then, is why Tina and Neil have not discovered me.  I don’t have direction.  What shall I devote my blogging to in the upcoming days until my pending occupational nuptials with 30 Rock or HIMYM?

Screw it.  I like my current theme.  Discover me, Tina Fey & NPH!!!

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Filed under Discover Me, Plea to NPH, Plea to Tina Fey, SYTYCD, Television

An Interruption in My Pleas: Lost Icons

Today, as I descended into the stuffy confines of the Metro, I reflected on the loss of two icons yesterday:  Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson.  As I stood there, waiting for the train to arrive, I saw three women speaking with each other, and I envisioned them striking their best Charlie’s Angels pose.  I imagined myself leading a procession of people to an impromptu performance of Thriller.  And I sighed in appreciation for the contributions made by such fabulous entertainers.  Below, some of my favorite Michael Jackson videos—videos that inspired my 10-year old self to grab her crotch in front of a mother gaping in shock.  

Rest in peace, y’all.

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Filed under Musical Obsessions, Television

10 Days for NPH — Day Eight

Last night, the new season of So You Think You Can Dance really kicked off as the 10 couples danced for America’s votes.  I have to say that I absolutely, whole-heartedly, and unequivocally LOVE this show.  I cannot get enough of it, and for the record, I am thrilled at the fact that the show will begin its new season this fall (and can Natalie please try out again, kill it in Vegas week, and get on the damn show?).  

For those of you who have been following my blog, it is very apparent that I have delusional aspirations of becoming a Hollywood screenwriter.  I mean, being a lawyer is awesome.  I essentially engage in verbal and written warfare all day, thereby vicariously reliving the days of my youth when I secretly thought about how cool it would be to actually fight someone after school at the church.  Speaking of which, I used to always think it was  a bit ironic that the delinquents of my school chose the purportedly sacred grounds of a place of worship to engage in physical violence.  Yes, I was a bit precocious.

Anyways, if Tina Fey NPH never hears my pleas, perhaps I should strive to meet another unattainable goal?  So Tina Fey NPH, pay attention to the following ultimatum (please).  If you do not respond to my pleas, I may just have to refocus my maniacal and delusional attention.  And where will I refocus my pleas, you ask?  

I will be a lyrical hip hop dancer.

Yes, I can hear the laughter traveling through the Web.  I can sense the mockery and chuckles.  But I ignored the jeers of my peers when I first announced that I would be making these pleas to Tina Fey NPH.  Granted, the pleas have so far yielded little in substantive response—I’ve gotten a few encouraging comments; the hubby hasn’t left me; and a flight attendant gave me extra peanuts as we shared stories of delusional fantasies.  So it’s not like I’ve come out completely empty.  So if I took the energy and devotion from scriptwriting, and invested that passion  into my lyrical hip hop training, I will be a force to be reckoned with.  To dabble in this delusion, I will take a three-pronged approach.  First, I will study the lyrical hip hop dances on So You Think You Can Dance (including watching them over and over again in order to memorize the movements and practice in front of the TV).  Second, I will enroll in a lyrical hip hop class—preferably one that does not require any technical training.  Although I did spend much of college digesting the choreography of various NSYNC songs, including Bye Bye Bye, Tearin’ Up My Heart, I Want You Back, and It’s Gonna Be Me.  Perhaps that could be considered “technical” training.  E.g., if my instructor were to ask me to give a nice “Bye Bye Bye” fist pump, I could do that in my sleep.

Finally, as the final step in my delusion investigation, I will engage in street performance.  I will set up in a populated area and perform various lyrical hip hop routines (preferably self-choreographed).  I will place two containers to accept donations.  One container will be labeled, “YOU’RE BAD ASS” and another container will be labeled, “YOU’RE BAD.”  That will enable me to gain an objective perspective on my dance training.

Finally, for some inspiration, here are my favorites from last night’s SYTYCD.  P.S. DISCOVER ME, TINA FEY NPH!!!

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Filed under I Heart Reality TV, Musical Obsessions, Plea to NPH, Plea to Tina Fey, SYTYCD, Television

10 Days for NPH — Day Seven

This year’s Tony Awards will be hosted by the incomparable NPH.  The New York Times interviewed NPH to gain a glimpse into this year’s Awards.  To fans of musicals and Broadway, the Tony Awards bring together some of the biggest names on 42nd street.  To me, this year’s Tony Awards means that I will know NPH’s precise geographical location.  And knowledge equals stalking power.  The Times asked NPH a few questions regarding the show.  In my fantasy world, a Times reporter also called me up to inquire about my pleas to Tina Fey NPH.

NYT:  You’re very calm and collected, considering that the Tonys are only a few days away.

Me:  Well, effective stalking requires the stalker to maintain an element of surprise.  A calm and collected demeanor will allow me to bypass certain security protocols, so I can effectively accost NPH, cry hysterically, and throw my script at him.

NYT:  When the Tonys asked NPH to host, did you immediately think about stalking NPH, or did you have to think about it?

Me:  I’m sorry?  What did you ask?  I was just looking at these blueprints for the venue.

NYT:  How much of a role do you have in crafting what NPH will do and say on stage?

Me:  It’s funny you ask that.  Because I had a dream the other day where I actually wrote NPH’s entire life.  You ever watched Small Wonder?  Well, in my dream, NPH was my Vicky, and I was his programmer.  I programmed NPH to sing everything, which works out perfectly for the Tonys.

NYT:  Do you miss the world of pleading to Tina Fey?

Me:  When did I stop?

NYT:  Have you ever rehearsed your WGA acceptance speech?

Me:  No way, that would be premature.  I mean, I guess if I had to say something, it would be:

Years ago, when a Taiwanese immigrant first stepped foot into the land of the free, the home of the brave, she never once imagined that this moment could be possible.  I have so many thank, and I know I’ll miss someone before the music is cued up, so let me warn you that you cannot make me leave this stage!  First, I’d like to thank my mentors, the talented Tina Fey and Neil Patrick Harris, without whom I could not have made it this far.  Second, I’d like to thank my agent, Ari Emanuel, whose blood, sweat, and tears have enabled me to become filthy rich doing what I love.  Third, I’d like to thank my hubby, who stood by me and resisted the urge to mock my fantasies, even when he caught me practicing my acceptance speech in front of the mirror as I held my hair brush up in victory.  And finally, the fans.  I’d like to thank all of the fans who watch the show, the bloggers who recap my show, and even all the criminals who pirate my show and owe me millions in royalties.  Because without you, I would have failed in doing what I love.  I cannot thank you enough.  For everyone out there with a dream—keep pushing, keep cultivating your delusions.  Thank you all!

NYT:  Did you stalk Tina Fey NPH as a kid, and do you have a favorite memory?

Me:  Well, I once scraped my knee and wanted to go see Dr. Howser.  I believe that was the moment when I realized that TV people aren’t real.  The actual doctor I saw was definitely not as dreamy as Dr. Howser.

NPH, good luck on the Tony Awards!  And when you see a Taiwanese chick descending from the ventilation pipes above your dressing room, don’t worry.  I’m just dropping off my script.

Discover me, Tina Fey NPH!!

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Filed under Plea to NPH, Plea to Tina Fey, Television

A Brief Interruption for Math/Logic

I present to you, my five readers, the following math/logic puzzle:

Paula 01Image Link

PLUS

Cup of CrazyImage Link

PLUS

Tanning BedImage Link

X 10

EQUALS

Faked & BakedImage Link

who has an uncanny resemblance to:

Wicked MusicalImage Link

which featured this Idol contestant:

GlambertImage Link

therefore, because Paula is:

NutsoImage Link

KRIS WINS!!

Kris "Makes the Ladies Swoon" AllenImage Link

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Filed under I Heart Reality TV, Life, Musical Obsessions, Television

10 Days for NPH — Day Four

Last week, I received a cryptic message from an anonymous individual to my pseudonym email address:

Should you fervently desire to meet the Great Neil,

Continue to read and examine this spiel.

Embark on the Post Hunt this forthcoming Sunday,

Win the P.H. and achieve your dream of Pay per Play.

I will emphasize this point just once more,

You can’t have NPH without P.H., you skanky little whore.

P.S.  I don’t really think you’re a whore, but it rhymes with more and is just freaking awesome.

Upon receiving this message, I jumped in glee.  I arose from the seat in which I stew in my lawyer juices and performed my NSYNC Bye Bye Bye dance, pumping my fists in the air.  Could this be it?  The key to meeting Tina Fey NPH?  I quickly searched Al Gore’s Internet to determine what this “Post Hunt” could be.  Alas, I saw the task that lay before me.  The Post Hunt was a scavenger hunt of sorts—for the brain!  Eureka, I thought!  I may not be able to outrun or outlast, but I can surely outwit, right?

However, in the midst of my celebratory dance and preparation for the Post Hunt, I began to wonder if someone was screwing with me.  Perhaps someone saw my pleas and desired, just for kicks, to elevate my hopes to the point in which I outright quit my job in a blaze of glory in order to fully devote myself to winning the Post Hunt and achieving my dream to meet and become best friends with Tina Fey NPH?  What if this is all a ruse to distract me from the real Tina Fey NPH?  But then, I thought, even if the prize was not Tina Fey, NPH, I could surely parlay my 15 minutes of fame into a shameless publicity tour in the hopes that Tina Fey NPH will happen to stumble across an article in the Washington Post, where one of DC’s finest lawyers is on the winning Post Hunt team, strips down buck-naked, and reveals a tattoo on her chest and buttocks that reads:  DISCOVER ME, TINA FEY NPH!!!  It’s a genius plan!

So, with three other brilliant minds (the AGs and the hubby), we embarked on the Hunt.  Initially stumped by the first clue, we abandoned the clue temporarily to tackle the other clues.  Like a well-oiled machine, the four of us steamrolled the competition by making quick work of the four other clues.  Finally, we returned to the original clue and began twisting our minds in the final leg of cranial gymnastics.  As the minutes wound down, and the answer did not come to light, my dreams of meeting Tina Fey NPH began to fade.  Would this be it?  Would my dreams become thwarted by two human statues standing before the Post Office, mocking me with their poses?  With defeat only 20 minutes away, I hung my head in shame.  I did not meet the great Tina Fey NPH yesterday, but I can hope that he will someday hear my pleas and marvel at my devotion.

Because Lord knows getting these tattoos on my butt and chest hurt like hell.

Discover me, Tina Fey NPH!!

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Filed under Legal Woes, Life, Plea to NPH, Plea to Tina Fey, Television