Tag Archives: al gore

10 More Days for Tina Fey — Day Two

I’m in a bit of a toilet paper quandry.  For much of my adult life, I have provided my ass with only the finest that money can buy.  After much research and deliberation, I have devotedly purchased and used Charmin for all my toilet needs (and to blow my nose, in a pinch).  I love that Charmin consists of two layers of plush, yet resilient, cloth-like material that, when in contact with the human body, provides support and a barrier between my hands and human excrement.  Grossed out?  Get over it.  We all pee and poop.

But I have since come to realize that using Charmin is like wiping your ass with Al Gore’s bleeding heart.  According to this Greenpeace Guide, my use of Charmin is blasphemous and against all principles of liberal treehuggers everywhere.  Hell, I might as well throw on a fur coat and eat veal stuffed with foie gras while I sit on the throne — that’s how bad Charmin is.

But what do I do?  I requested suggestions from my Facebook friends, asking them for recommendations of green, but soft, alternatives.  EC suggested “moss” or “sushi wrapping algae.”  While quite green (literally), I believe my tendency to develop allergic reactions would lead to quite the disaster should I rub moss on my ass, or ahem, other areas.  Moreover, moss and sushi wrapping algae simply don’t possess the resiliency of a standard Charmin 2-ply, and I will run the risk of small segments of said toilet paper alternative getting lodged in areas that should remain free of traffic, if you know what I mean.  Would you really want to wipe your ass with this?

Moss on Your Ass?

Image from How Stuff Works

Or how about turning this into a wad?

Ass SushiImage from Alibaba

Yeah, I don’t think so either.  Then my cousin-in-law, DG, asked the perfect question:  “How would Tina Fey feel?”  So I googled “tina fey toilet paper.”  Lo and behold, nothing material showed up (except for my post on how I vetted toilet paper more than Johnny Mac vetted Sarah Palin — apologies for the digression and shameless self-promotion).  My guess is that Tina Fey is a green TP shopper, who gets her TP from such liberal havens as Whole Foods or Trader Joes.  So Tina Fey, feel free to ignore my pleas, but when you have a chance, could you please tell me what product gets the honor of touching your booty?  Many thanks in advance.

Discover me, Tina Fey!

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Filed under Life, Plea to Tina Fey

Dubya is the Worst President Ever

After stealing the Presidency from Al Gore in 2000, George W. Bush has spent the last eight years making sure that he will forever hold the title of “Worst President Ever.”  I think I just heard my retirement flushing down the toilet.

How is this race even close?  Why not elect someone to clean up this mess?  To mop up the shit that Dubya has carpet-bombed all over this nation?

Don’t even get me started on how magnanimous Dubya has been — urging lawmakers to put aside their partisan differences and pass the bailout plan.  Fuck you.  You’ve undeniably screwed up this country and made us the laughing stock of the world.  After being fully complicit in the actions that have caused the extermination of our economy, do not stand up there and preach to me a solution.  After barfing on the principles that form the foundation of our country, do not further add insult to injury by attempting to redefine what that foundation is.  You disgust me.  You are despicable.  Come 2009, I will rejoice in the conclusion of your term.  It is my hope that you will go into hiding, back in the holes from which you came from.  I look forward to never seeing your face again.  To never seeing the constant reminder that a nation led by the politics of stupidity cannot rely on the strength of a reputation that has been trampled upon.  Reputation is earned.  And it must be maintained.  And to you, Dubya, you’ve betrayed that responsibility.  So fuck you.  I hate you.

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Filed under Personal Pontification, WTF?

A Welcome Blast From the Past

As expected, Bill Clinton and Al Gore gave fantastic speeches at the DNC.  Hearing them speak made me reflect upon happier times.

Contrast the above speeches–speeches that inexplicably generate feelings of hope and prosperity–with that of Dubya, who I refuse to recognize as our current President, since the election was decided not by the people but by the idiots who formed the “majority” in Bush v. Gore.

I mean, seriously.  If I called Dubya a moron, he’d probably think he was getting some kind of award.  I will be eternally amazed at how the Republican party was able to leverage Dubya’s stupidity into a beneficial qualification for the presidency.  Why would anyone want an average Joe to act as the leader of this country (or the world)?  Seriously, if you were sick, would you seek help from the local drunk?  If you needed someone to do your taxes, would you head to the state prison and find a parolee destined for release on April 1?

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Filed under Personal Pontification, Things I Loathe