As I embark on Day Two of my crusade to locate Tina Fey, I have come to the realization that my desire to work for Tina Fey has permeated nearly every aspect of my otherwise dull life. In fact, just yesterday, as I was sitting on the toilet, I began imagining what the toilets at 30 Rock studios look and feel like. I wondered if a simple flush would trigger laughter. If I would walk down the halls after using the facilities and see Jane Krakowski and Alec Baldwin splitting a bagel. And as I sat down on the throne of my despair, I realized yet another position I could fulfill for Ms. Fey (in addition to writer, of course).
The idea dawned upon me as I embarked on my preparation of my public toilet seat. As a female, use of the public toilet is quite the endeavor. And the preparation begins even before you actually enter a stall. First, you must assess the aroma of the entire restroom with a basic smell test. If a single whiff, before entering the stall, would cause dry-heaving, one must make quickly decide whether said aroma could be endured on an exponentially worse basis — or whether holding your bodily fluids in search of another restroom would be the wiser choice. Second, assuming the smell test has been passed, one must then embark on the stall search. This involves quickly pushing open various stall doors to find a toilet that passes the vision test — namely a toilet that is filled with only water (small remnants of toilet paper will suffice in a pinch), with a relatively dry floor, a hopefully bone-dry toilet seat, and a supple, dry roll of toilet paper. Once you have found this toilet, your work is not done. Claim this stall by locking yourself in the stall, and then embark on step three, which is the hasty clean.
Why must you do the hasty clean, you ask? Why not just drop down a toilet seat liner or line the seat with some toilet paper and drop your ass down like it’s hot? Why take the time to conduct the hasty clean? Well, there is absolutely nothing worse than the feeling of sitting on a toilet seat that you believe is dry, and then feeling the cold, unidentifiable and unknown moisture seep into your skin. And if you’ve already started peeing as you collapsed down onto the seat, you not only have a wet ass, but by opening the pee dam, you risk peeing all over yourself should you decide to rise off of the seat to minimize additional contact with the unidentified fluids on the toilet seat.
This is where the hasty clean comes in. The hasty clean involves grabbing a large wad of toilet paper and wiping the actual seat, making sure to wipe not only the top of the seat, but also the outer and inner rings. Amateur hasty-wipers will often forget about these outer and inner rings of death, but these rings are incredibly deceptive. Imagine walking into a stall, completing a half-assed hasty clean without sweeping the outer and inner rings. You set down a clean toilet seat liner. Believing with all your heart and soul that you will be sitting down onto a dry seat, with a liner separating your bare ass cheeks from the microscopic bacteria on the toilet, you plop your ass down with full confidence — a 100% plop. Next thing you know, the moisture from the outer and inner rings has quickly dampened the toilet seat liner, and your ass is being completely saturated with what is likely toilet backsplash that had formed small droplets on the inner ring.
What is the point of this post, you ask? Well, being an expert in the search, location, and preparation of public toilet seats, I could be of great use to Tina Fey. Imagine the amount of time that Ms. Fey could save by having someone complete all the aforementioned tasks for her, each and every time she needs to use the facilities? Indeed, with my assistance, Ms. Fey could also increase her fluid intake, for there would be far fewer reasons to avoid relieving herself. By increasing her fluid intake, Ms. Fey will also become a healthier individual, and the benefits of her health will radiate to her family and her staff, creating a sanitation halo effect. I clean a toilet — everyone is happy.
My 30 Rock script is complete. Discover me, Tina Fey!