Tag Archives: allergies

10 Spankin’ New Days for Tina Fey — Day Two

I have a dilemma.  This weekend is probably the best weekend of the year to view the wonder that is the DC Cherry Blossom festival.  For those of you who are not in the know, DC procured cherry blossoms from Japan sometime back in the day, planted them all around the Tidal Basin, and as a result, has drawn in thousands of local and foreign tourists every spring to watch the cherry blossoms bloom.  The blossoms themselves are quite pretty — pink, light, and fluffy petals that flap in the wind.

Alas, my dilemma is this:  I am now at the time of year in which my allergies have fully consumed my physical spirit.  Now is when the drugs’ main function is to ensure that I can participate in daily activities such as work, showering, and eating.  So, immersing myself in a forest of allergens may not exactly be the brightest thing to do, should I desire to remain awake the evening of and day after such excursion.

I’ve been thinking of ways to combat the allergens — e.g., double-dosing on my drugs.  Perhaps, however, the best way to deal with the allergens is to create my own bubble.  Like a young Jake Gyllenhaal in that Boy in the Bubble movie, I shall create my own mobile isolation chamber.  All I need are a good pair of goggles to prevent the aggravation of my demonic eyes, and a nice face mask to prevent the sinuses from flaring up.  I’ve looked it up, and there are goggle/face mask combos, but they appear to constitute military gear, and wearing such military gear in the nation’s capitol would not make me the sharpest tool in the shed, if you know what I mean.  However, I could wear a simple pair of goggles and face mask from Target.  To the average person, I’d either look like I am a carpenter, or being Taiwanese, I will probably look like I have SARS.  The hubby does not suffer from allergies, so he will either look like the carpenter’s husband, or the SARS patient’s chaperone.  We’ll be armed with our fancy schmancy camera, so if he takes pictures of me holding both hands up with peace signs, that will further perpetuate my Asian SARS patient costume, thereby also creating the concurrent benefit of people staying away from us, allowing us to roam the festival in peace.

So Tina Fey, if you happen to be in DC this weekend at the cherry blossom festival, look out for me.  I’ll be hard to miss.  I’ll be sure to bring along a copy of my 30 Rock spec script.  And if I see you first, I’ll come running for you to give you my script.  Just wanted to give you a heads up so you can warn Alice and Jeff about the potential masked/goggled amateur writer who may accost you and your family at an uncomfortably quick pace.  And hell, if you agree to read my script, I’ll even have my hubby take a picture of the four of us.  Years from now, when your memory inevitably rewrites history, you can say that you stood with a SARS patient and survived.

Discover me, Tina Fey!


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Filed under Life, Plea to Tina Fey

Drinking Some Booger Soup

As people who know me are aware, I’m pretty much allergic to everything.  Hell, I’m so allergic to the DC spring/summer/fall air, that exposed wounds refused to heal from March until the frost hit in October.  You can imagine the effect such allergies have on my sinuses.  Finally, after hearing rave reviews from several people, and with sufficient distance from my previous failed attempts at using this product, I again attempted the Neti Pot last night.  Here is a picture of my Neti Pot:

My Neti Pot

What is the Neti Pot, you ask?  Well, it’s essentially a nasal irrigation system.  Yes, it is about as butt-nasty as it sounds.  You fill this thing up with a warm saline solution, which can be easily created by mixing a little sea salt with some warm water.  After filling the pot with said solution, you shove the spout up one nostril and tilt your head over your sink, only to have the fluid come out the other nostril. 

. . .

Yes, it’s nasty.  If you do it correctly, you get the immediate sensation that you are drowning while the nasty booger water flows out your open nostril.  For someone like me, who in fact cannot swim and frequently feels like she’s drowning in any situation in which water is over 2 inches high, including my own bathtub, the drowning sensation is creepy and brings with it childhood nightmares.  If you do it incorrectly, the solution actually flows down your throat, thereby giving you a nice salted booger beverage.  Mmmm.  Here is the official Neti Pot video demonstration.  Check out the chick in the video.  Poor thing.  I think I’d rather be in a video for herpes medication.  At least in that video, people will think I’m getting some.

Couple this with the nightguard I wear because of my teeth grinding, and I am one sexy mama.  Cue the meows and growls.  Yeah baby.

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Filed under Life

Thank You in Advance

For everyone who has and who will say “Bless You” to me, I thank you in advance. For the last week, I have been suffering from intolerable allergies, causing fluid to careen out of my nostrils and down my throat. My eyes are swollen–if I had a larger forehead and was 1 foot shorter, I perhaps could pass as Christina Ricci. I wonder if any retakes need to be done for the Black Snake Moan movie? . . .

The culprit is the dreaded weed. I am, quite unfortunately, terribly allergic to weeds. When weed allergens were placed on my arm by my allergist’s assistant, my arm proceeded to immediately balloon, making it virtually impossible for the allergist to determine the degree to which I was allergic to each particular weed, as each weal melded into adjacent weals, forming one gigantic and itchy red sore traveling down the length of my forearm. It was sexy, to say the least.

So here is my proclamation. Who the hell needs weeds anyway? I mean, does anyone ever go up to weeds and say, “Oh Junior – look at those weeds! They’re beautiful!” On Valentine’s Day, do you ever see men run down to the local flower shop to pick out a bunch of weeds? I think not! To the next President, I ask that a portion of the budget be devoted to the elimination of the useless greenery that has declared war upon my body. Hell, if Johnny Mac were to make me this promise, I might even consider voting for the Maverick and could possibly be the one Virginia vote that changes history . . .

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Filed under Life, Things I Loathe


Yesterday, I went to my first day of rehab. Not that kind of rehab, you jerk. Rehab for my ailing knee. And my wish was granted. Within 10 minutes of beginning the session, electrotherapy pads were placed on my muscle and electric shocks were sent through my muscle, causing my quad muscle to quiver with joy and happiness (you have a dirty dirty mind). My PT left the room as I played with my new electric muscle stimulator — I turned up the juice, feeling the pins and needles ripple through my leg and up into my hip.

I am no longer permitted to engage in any lower body exercise. In particular, my PT has told me that I am not allowed to drop it like it’s hot (he might of said squats, but my memory is a little fuzzy). I suppose I need to withdraw my name from the tryouts for American Gladiator and So You Think You Can Dance. Damn. My entire routine was dropping it like it’s hot combined with shadow boxing. I was going to coin a new trademark dance called Popping it Like It’s Hot.

Today is also a bad allergy day. My nose is running like a faucet and my eyes are watering like I just watched the Notebook. The only thing getting me through this week is the anticipation of waiting for my Jonathan to perform on Friday on the Today Show. Step Five — don’t you know that the time is right! Ugh! Yes Jon, the time is right. You may be pushing 40, but in my heart, you will always be a new kid.

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Filed under Life, Working on my Fitness


Thank God it’s Friday, and Thank God I Freakin’ drove to work today!  No Metro!  Yayyyyy!  It took me about 20 minutes door to door, and I didn’t have to sanitize my hands or body from the germ-ridden depths of the moving train of incubated hell!  YAY!

What a wonderful way to start off the morning.  I have my soy latte.  I drove to work.  I have New Kids’ Greatest Hits jamming on the iPod.  I haven’t gone outside, so my allergies are in check.  And VL is coming into town tonight, so life is fabulous!

Speaking of New Kids.  There are only 14 more days until they perform on the Today Show.  I am incredibly excited to see my Jonathan get on stage and, after 20 years, finally overcome his anxiety.  For years, I have clung to the few solo shots of his talent (Happy Birthday and Step Five “Don’t you know that the time is riiiggghhhtt!”  Ugh!).  I believe the world will now be exposed to all that is Jonathan.  I have waited with bated breath for the stores to stock their shelves with Jonathan paraphernalia.  To date, I have yet to see any lunch boxes, pins, pillow cases, or mugs.  My mantle has been cleared for the day they make a bobblehead Jonathan.  I will put Jon on my mantle, turn on Happy Birthday, and he will bob with me to the song.  Sigh.  Dreams can come true!

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Pontificating on Pharmaceuticals

So as many of you know, I’m allergic to everything in DC. Inside, outside, you name it — I’m allergic to it. I try desperately to avoid these allergens (I ran away from an evil allergen-ridden girl who wanted to “sell me cookies” the other day; that evil wench). It’s now springtime in our nation’s capital, and flowers and trees are blooming. Damn, people even come to DC during the spring specifically to see the cherry blossoms and revel in the physical beauty of it all. Well, spring is beautiful, I must admit, but spring to me just means that the quarantine begins! Other people see cherry blossoms, and I see days of writhing around in bed with my eyes swollen shut, my face puffy, and all in all looking like a heroin from a Lifetime movie. On a side note, apparently the Japanese gave the US the cherry blossoms sometime in the early 1900s. Boy, did we get gypped. DC has some of the worst sushi restaurants I’ve ever been to–I think we should return the trees and get some fresh fish and chefs in return. I’ll be the first in line to chop those babies down. I digress.

So to combat the allergens, I’ve been prescribed a cocktail of drugs from my awesome doctor, who I believe thinks of me as some kind of experiment–a bipedal hamster, if you will. I took my prescriptions and headed happily to my nearest pharmacy, beaming from ear to ear. Then, I see the price. $84 and $46 — for ONE month. Dude. I damn near vomited on the poor man. I’m sure his little scanner gun would have needed some serious TLC if I puked my guts out right there and then (did I have corn yesterday? . . . ). Now, $130 a month (and this is not even taking into consideration my other $84/month med that I refuse to use because it’s so damn cost-prohibitive)–let me just take a moment to ask how the hell some people can afford medication and health care? I mean, according to my doc, I should actually be taking in over $200/month (yes, this is after insurance) in medication. That’s a ridonkulous amount of money to spend on drugs.

The pharmaceutical industry really is making out like bandits here. Now, on the one hand, by allowing the industry to make a crapload of money, we are encouraging research and development and all that jazz. But on the other hand, it seems like the R&D will only benefit those who can actually afford such scientific advancements, as opposed to much of America, who probably do not have the luxury of forking over hundreds of dollars every month for some drugs. Sigh. This is a deeper issue than I have time or the inclination to deal with. I will say this though. Every time I see that Nasonex Bumble Bee (who sounds like Antonio Banderas – is it?), I will curse at him. I will tell him that although I love him and wish he would fly around my apartment and clear my life of allergens, I will always wonder why he is milking me dry. Nasonex Bee – you suck.

On a side note – Little David Archuleta is safe!!!! Yay!!!!!!!


Filed under Personal Pontification