WWIII has erupted on my balcony. I am feverishly attempting to make our balcony as inhospitable as possible to the nasty pigeons who have decided to make the balcony their home. I am quite puzzled by pigeons. You know the saying, don’t shit where you eat? Well, apparently pigeons don’t abide by this adage, as they have basically shat all over our balcony, all the while partying underneath our BBQ and shitting on our Corona bottles.
We’ve cleared out the nest, yet they still return. After doing sufficient online research on how to rid yourself of these flying rodents, I have come to the conclusion that some commonly used impediments simply don’t work. For example, some have suggested the use of a wooden owl. However, upon further research, I’ve found that the owl works for about a day. After approximately 24 hours, the rodents realize that the owl has not moved for said 24 hours and is not real. The aerial rodents return and end up crapping all over the owl–almost like an F you for buying a $10 plastic owl.
Others suggest hanging a CD or aluminum foil on your balcony. These also don’t work. From what I understand, the pigeons ultimately return to the area after realizing that . . . well, that you have hung up a CD or aluminum foil on your balcony.
So the war has begun. Like Mother Liberty, I do not negotiate with terrorists. I will not allow these flying harbingers of disease to invade my space. In the words of Johnny Castle, this is my dance space. The wild is yours. If you come into mine, you will face the consequences. I have unilaterally declared war! Mwah ha ha!