Tag Archives: bailout

Wall Street, Autos, and Porn — Oh My?

According to all the major news outlets, including the prestigious TMZ, apparently it’s not just Wall Street and the auto industry that is in dire need of a bailout.  The folks from the San Fernando Valley are also seeking governmental assistance.  Everyone needs a little porn, right?

Legendary Hustler entrepreneur Larry Flynt, and the idiot named Joe Francis, are apparently making pleas to Congress to obtain a $5 billion check to stimulate the porn industry.  Flynt and Francis allege that the recession has hit the business hard, as DVD sales of XXX movies have bottomed out, falling 22%.  On a serious note, such claims are a surprise to many economists — traditionally, businesses such as the porn industry stay above recessions, riding the recession wave because of the increase in “staycations” and a general desire to get away from reality and immerse oneself in the warmth provided by pornography.  Francis himself plans on appearing before Congress to make his plea, during which he will argue that the bailout will prevent the pornography industry from going limp, and will also boost the vigor of the American appetite for entertainment.

CSPAN viewership will certainly be up for these hearings.  Personally, I hope Congress rips Francis a new one.  That kid belongs in a prison shower with a bar of really slippery soap and a mob of pissed off inmates.

And yes, the aforementioned puns were intended.

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Detroit Bailout – Not Leaving on a Jet Plane

The last time the CEOs of the Big 3 headed to Washington to plead for billions of dollars of government aid, each of the CEOs flew in private jets, incurring thousands of dollars.  I mean, it’s kind of like Paris Hilton rolling up to the Food Bank in her Bentley and demanding caviar.  Not cool, yo.  At the time, the Big 3 defended their actions, stating that it was company policy, and was for the protection of the CEOs.  Well, personally, prior to hearing news of the CEOs traveling H to the Izzo style, I had no idea what the hell they even looked like.  If I saw them on a plane, sitting in first class, I wouldn’t even take a second look, so I’m not sure what the “safety” concerns were.  Now, however, their images have been burned into my head, and if I do see them, I’ll give them a piece of my mind.  And it ain’t pretty up there.  This bitch has a lot to say, and I’m sure I’m going to make like a chihuahua and bark at them like crazy, letting them know that I’d shove my fist up their assholes if it wasn’t for the first class/coach curtain divider.  Watch out bitches!

Anyways, I digress.  This time, however, the CEOs have instead traveled to Washington in hybrid vehicles.  I’m in disbelief that they actually arrived.  I mean, would anyone have been horribly shocked if the shitty vehicles broke down mid-trip?  I wouldn’t.  But check out the wheels of Chrysler CEO Bob Nardelli:

Chrysler's Fuel "Efficient" Vehicle

Picture from CNN

According to CNN, this fuel “efficient” vehicle gets 22 highway, and 20 city.  My little Acura gets far better gas mileage than this beast.  And this beast of a vehicle surely doesn’t go very far in supporting the Big 3 contention that manufacturers will be making smaller, highly innovative vehicles.  This looks like the same piece of shit that’s been coming out of Detroit for the last couple of decades. 

Here’s a thought.  Maybe the CEOs should have traveled to DC in Ford Pintos.  With every mile closer to their destination, there is one less mile in which they may blow up in a fiery ball of shitty American-designed vehicle.  It’ll remind them of the benefits of innovation, while simultaneously reminding them of how taking shortcuts to improve gas mileage led to the death and maiming of scores of helpless Americans.

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My Slightly Uninformed Thoughts on the Potential Detroit Bailout

So to preface this post, I’d like to first state that I am not an economist.  I don’t purport to have knowledge of all salient facts regarding a potential Detroit bailout.  However, after absorbing as much publicly-available information as I could gather, I have come to a conclusion that puts me at odds with the party with which I most identify.

Granted, I don’t entirely understand the consequences that could occur should the Big 3 fail.  However, the Big 3 crisis does not appear to be as significant as the crisis that affected Wall Street generally.  I understand that may not ring well with those directly affected by a Big 3 bankruptcy, but here goes.  A few basic premises:

  1. Big 3 cars suck.  Yes, there’s a reason people buy foreign vehicles.  It’s not because they are “anti-American.”  It’s because, for years, the Big 3 have rested on their laurels that Americans would buy American for the sake of buying American.  Well, despite all the signs pointing against this foolish thought, the Big 3 continued to produce crappy vehicles with shitty performance, shitty reliability, and shitty safety standards.
  2. There has been no indication that the Big 3 executives will use bailout money to completely turn around their crappy product.  Here’s where I get hung up on the idea of giving the Big 3 any type of a bailout.  They’ve been ignoring signs for years.  They’ve lobbied heavily against innovation and environmentally-friendly standards.  Screw them.
  3. If the Big 3 were to fail, wouldn’t principles of capitalism suggest that another company, with better management and better product, would swoop in and take over the Big 3 infrastructure?  I have to think that an entrepreneurial entity would come in, take over Big 3 infrastructure, employ former Big 3 employees, and ultimately make a better product.

Ultimately, I don’t think the bailout will render the product made by the Big 3 fit to purchase.  After years of thinking something sucks ass, getting money from the federal government will not make great strides in reversing that general belief.

I’m now rambling and need more info.  In any event, with or without a bailout, I will never purchase a Big 3 vehicle.  After driving a rental Ford around all summer a few years ago, only to have a couple knobs fall off in the interim, there’s no way in hell I would purchase one of these clunky pieces of gas-guzzling pieces of crap.  That’s my two cents.

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Dubya is the Worst President Ever

After stealing the Presidency from Al Gore in 2000, George W. Bush has spent the last eight years making sure that he will forever hold the title of “Worst President Ever.”  I think I just heard my retirement flushing down the toilet.

How is this race even close?  Why not elect someone to clean up this mess?  To mop up the shit that Dubya has carpet-bombed all over this nation?

Don’t even get me started on how magnanimous Dubya has been — urging lawmakers to put aside their partisan differences and pass the bailout plan.  Fuck you.  You’ve undeniably screwed up this country and made us the laughing stock of the world.  After being fully complicit in the actions that have caused the extermination of our economy, do not stand up there and preach to me a solution.  After barfing on the principles that form the foundation of our country, do not further add insult to injury by attempting to redefine what that foundation is.  You disgust me.  You are despicable.  Come 2009, I will rejoice in the conclusion of your term.  It is my hope that you will go into hiding, back in the holes from which you came from.  I look forward to never seeing your face again.  To never seeing the constant reminder that a nation led by the politics of stupidity cannot rely on the strength of a reputation that has been trampled upon.  Reputation is earned.  And it must be maintained.  And to you, Dubya, you’ve betrayed that responsibility.  So fuck you.  I hate you.

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