For everyone who has and who will say “Bless You” to me, I thank you in advance. For the last week, I have been suffering from intolerable allergies, causing fluid to careen out of my nostrils and down my throat. My eyes are swollen–if I had a larger forehead and was 1 foot shorter, I perhaps could pass as Christina Ricci. I wonder if any retakes need to be done for the Black Snake Moan movie? . . .
The culprit is the dreaded weed. I am, quite unfortunately, terribly allergic to weeds. When weed allergens were placed on my arm by my allergist’s assistant, my arm proceeded to immediately balloon, making it virtually impossible for the allergist to determine the degree to which I was allergic to each particular weed, as each weal melded into adjacent weals, forming one gigantic and itchy red sore traveling down the length of my forearm. It was sexy, to say the least.
So here is my proclamation. Who the hell needs weeds anyway? I mean, does anyone ever go up to weeds and say, “Oh Junior – look at those weeds! They’re beautiful!” On Valentine’s Day, do you ever see men run down to the local flower shop to pick out a bunch of weeds? I think not! To the next President, I ask that a portion of the budget be devoted to the elimination of the useless greenery that has declared war upon my body. Hell, if Johnny Mac were to make me this promise, I might even consider voting for the Maverick and could possibly be the one Virginia vote that changes history . . .
I just wasted an hour of my life attempting to find a doctor. It is May 20. I was told, on multiple occasions, that a particular doctor’s first available appointment would be in September.
First available? In September? Are you kidding me? The DC area is flooded with doctors and lawyers, and your first available is in September? Is it that there are proportionally too many lawyers, and lawyers take too much time in your office? I’d like to tell one of my clients that my first available appointment to talk is in September.
In no other profession can someone legitimately say that their first available is 4 months away. Imagine you called Gold’s for a personal trainer and was told that the first available would be in September. Or if you tried to book a flight and the airlines told you the first available would be 3 months after your friend’s wedding in Hawaii. Or if you needed maid service, and Molly Maids said the dirt can wait until the fall. And these examples don’t involve your health (ok, maybe dirt and personal trainer do, but whatever). So doctors, I boycott you.
Damn it. I can’t. I need them. Argh!!!! I will remain in silent protest then. When you tell me to open wide and say “Ahhh,” I will do so with the intention of sticking my tongue out at you. When you ask me take deep breaths as you listen to my heart, my middle finger will figuratively be pointing at you. And if you need an attorney, my first available is in September, biatch.
Although the presidential race is certainly worth mentioning, I’ll leave that for respectable news outlets. I point your attention to other events that are equally newsworthy.
Founder of LSD dies of heart attack. On Tuesday, Albert Hofmann died in his Switzerland home at the ripe age of 102. Hofmann is the Swiss chemist who discovered the psychotropic effects of LSD by “accidentally” ingesting the substance. As reported by the NYT, “More important to him than the pleasures of the psychedelic experience was the drug’s value as a revelatory aid for contemplating and understanding what he saw as humanity’s oneness with nature.” Former hippies all over the world are holding vigils in Hofmann’s honor. The entire city of Berkeley has shut down in a moment of silence. Opportunistic business-owners have begun restocking their shelves with tie-dye t-shirts, causing a spike in epileptic seizures and bad taste.
When is a Lesbian not a Lesbian? A legal dispute is brewing in the capital city of Greece. The suit is against the Homosexual and Lesbian Community of Greece–plaintiffs are three individuals from the island of “Lesbos,” which is located in the Aegean Sea. Plaintiffs take issue with defendant’s use of “Lesbian” in its name, as natives of Lesbos are Lesbians. Although much of the world defines “lesbians” as women who are romantically and sexually attracted to other women, the natives of Lesbos have been Lesbians for far longer. Curiously enough, Lesbos is also the birthplace of the ancient poet Sappho, who praised love between women. Since news of the lawsuit broke, Joe Francis and the entire production crew for “Girls Gone Wild” have moved their headquarters to Lesbos. Travel agencies have also reported a spike in inquiries and travel to Lesbos from males between 14-24.
Disclaimer: Read the article for the actual story. My reports are kind of like a game of telephone . . . except I skipped right to the end of the game.