Tag Archives: news

Black Friday Human Stampede

I’m sure everyone has heard about the Black Friday stampede at Walmart.  If you haven’t, here’s the quick and dirty.  A 34-year old temp worker at Walmart was basically stampeded to death by a throng of holiday shoppers on Black Friday.  If memory serves me well, I believe that the last Black Friday stampede death also occurred at a Walmart, in which shoppers were engulfed in a desire to obtain a $29 DVD player (which, at the time, was considered quite the deal).

People are disgusting.  I understand the appeal of Black Friday.  I’ve done it twice.  Once in college with BFF AN where I really didn’t purchase much but did acquire a stuffed penguin for my morning wait.  Another time last year where the hubby and I (and pop-in-law, what a good sport) stood in line at the butt-crack of dawn in freezing temperatures to get my hands on Emily, my trusted GPS device. 

Hearing this story, I’m confident that I will NEVER AGAIN endure Black Friday.  People are absolutely crazy.  Can you imagine being this Walmart temp employee?  You’re probably struggling for cash.  You jumped at the opportunity to obtain a few extra dollars for the holiday season by working on the busiest day of the year, at possibly the craziest store in America.  You head to work hours before the sun rises.  You see a throng of people outside in the freezing cold.  As you begin to open the doors, you see the stampede begin.  People start shoving, and instead of opening the doors, you begin to attempt to shove them closed against the massive pressure exerted from thousands of bodies on the other side.  Your attempts fail, and the masses of people overwhelm you.  You fall to the ground, only to have foot after foot fall upon your body, your limbs, your head.  You die a slow death, with your last gasps of air trampled out by the foot of another shopper, whose only goal is to obtain a flatscreen TV for this year’s Super Bowl.

Now, the question facing the DA’s office is whether anyone can be prosecuted for the man’s death.  There is plenty of video of the event, but how the hell is anyone going to tell whether someone actually and knowingly stepped on said deceased individual?  The scene must have been like a mosh pit, with bodies pushing against bodies leading to a domino effect of force.

Prosecuting people will be nearly impossible.  But going after Walmart?  That’s a different story.  Walmart’s stocks are actually up in this gloomy economy, but they should be taken down a notch after this incident.  Despite having full knowledge of the size of the potential melee that awaited outside its doors, and despite being the site of prior stampedes, Walmart took little to no steps to prevent such atrocities from occurring.  People trampled this man to death.  But Walmart basically set itself up to be like a Barcelona track where the bulls could get their television prize.

Amongst all this rambling is one lesson I take away from this incident.  I will never ever again even attempt Black Friday.  That shit is bananas.

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News to Amuse

A Fertile Turtle: Meet Arava.  This 10-year-old tortoise came to Jerusalem’s Biblical Zoo with a condition that paralyzed her hind legs.  Hoping to get Arava moving again, zoo officials fashioned her with a skateboard that could be strapped around her torso, allowing Arava to freely move around the tortoise confines.  However, after only a few moments with the skateboard, zoo officials quickly realized that they had not created a skateboard, but had really created a mateboard, with Arava becoming the zoo’s newest whore.  Arava has been seen cruising around the creek and fields, with scores of male tortoises ready to climb on her elevated rear and create new cruising turtles.

Anthropologists and zoologists, working together to examine the phenomenon, have determined that Arava’s new freedom of movement was simply too much, and likened Arava to a “home-schooled girl who is sent off to Chico State for college.”  Tens of thousands of dollars were spent filming the behavior of “home-schooled” women at Chico State, and the results were profoundly startling.  Just as Arava spent her days in the swamp showing her green rump, the test subjects at Chico State spent their evenings “dropping it like it’s hot” and their mornings taking the walk of shame.

The team is quick to point out, however, that the results may be skewed due to issues with controls.  In order to rectify these issues, the scientists will soon be plying Arava with Popov and Keystone and setting her free in a field with young male tortoises who have been similarly artificially intoxicated.

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Our Fine Commander-in-Chief

He chokes on pretzels. He abhors reading the newspaper. He exudes eloquent prose, i.e. “Is our children learning?” He stands firmly behind the separation of church and state, i.e. “I trust God speaks through me. Without that, I couldn’t do my job.” And at the Beijing Olympics, our fearless commander has represented our great nation yet again with style and grace:

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Chinese Gymnastics

First off, let’s give a hip hip hooray to the Chinese gymnastics team for their clean sweep of the team competitions. Two thumbs up also go to those gymnasts who, under extreme pressure, were able to pull off the victory in front of a raucous crowd and a government that might kill mommy and daddy were someone to accidentally slip off the pommel horse.

Although minimal, there has been news about the age of the Chinese “Women’s” squad–with the NY Times stating that, compared to the Chinese team, the US team is like the Green Bay Packers. Isn’t it funny how the use of the Green Bay Packers connotes larger individuals than, say, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. I mean, when I hear Packers, I think big dudes who eat a dozen eggs a day like Gaston in Beauty and the Beast. When I think the Buccaneers, however, I’m thinking more along the lines of frat boys who strive to be the spokesperson for Campbell’s Chunky soups. I digress.

Anyways, take a look at the Chinese team:

. . . Ok. Like seriously? I’m supposed to believe that the chick on the top left is 16? And the kid on the top right is an ancient 20 years of age? I am Taiwanese-Chinese (Tai-chinese?). I realize we look young. But come on! Top left, bottom right and bottom middle (I don’t know their names–not deliberately trying to be rude) look like fans of Dora the Explorer and appear ready to scream out, “Hannah Montana” (or the Chinese equivalent). I mean, bottom right looks like she might still have her baby teeth, and after the Olympics, mommy and daddy will yank them out by tying them with a string, attaching the other end of the string to a door, and slamming it shut to simultaneously yank that sucker out and muffle the screams. I apologize for the slight transference of the traumas of my childhood. I’m waiting for the next episode of “To Catch a Predator” on NBC, and Chris Hansen will come out and the dude will say, “Sir, I truly believed this girl was 18. I mean, she looks so much older than anyone on the Chinese Gymnastics team!” Juries all over the country will compare the Perverted Justice photo to the picture above and pedophiles all over the country will be acquitted.

But seriously . . . 16? I believe that as much as I believe that story about the Loch Ness Monster mounting King Kong to create the next great Marvel Comic Hero.

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News to Amuse – Sell anything on Craigslist

Baby for Sale on Craigslist:  Officials in Canada have apprehended a young couple who had offered to sell their “very cute” baby on Craigslist for 10,000 Canadian dollars, the equivalent of US $10,100.

Do you hear the record scratching?  10,000 Canadian is now only worth $10,100 US?  WTF?  Damn Canadians have universal health care, a real progressive government, and are mostly bilingual.  The only thing we damn Americans had on Canada was that our dollar trounced their Canadian dollar.  And now we’re going to lose that at well?

I should have moved to Canada in 2004.  Yet another reason to hate the Dubya.

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News to Amuse – So this is why men are nasty . . .

You howl, I strip:  For all you ladies out there, ever wonder why dirty old men whistle at you?  Have you ever thought why nasty wrinkly men grabbed your 18-year old ass as if they had a chance?  Well, the reason is that it works!  Sometimes . . .

A very hot Israeli woman was on her way to the ATM to get some cash when she was “hounded” by road workers’ whistles.  Rather than express her disgust with the workers or otherwise avoid the situation, the woman decided to strip, use the ATM buck-naked, and then get dressed before walking away.  When questioned by New Zealand police, the woman simply remarked that she was fed up with the howls and wanted to shake what her momma gave her.

Thanks lady.  You’ve just inspired dirty old men all over the world to rub up against disgusted women all over the world.

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News to Amuse – Hello Kitty!

Meet Japan’s New Minister of Tourism: Yesterday, Japan’s Tourism Ministry named “Hello Kitty” as the country’s new Minister of Tourism for China and Hong Kong. The happy couple at the coronation ceremony:

Children in Hong Kong and China are apparently thrilled with the idea. In a recent poll, 45% of children between the ages of 4-12 in Hong Kong and China believed that everyone in Japan looked either like Hello Kitty, Pokemon, Kuromi, or Charmmy Kitty. A source from the Japanese Ministry of the Interior reports that Ms. Kitty beat out her opponents by capitalizing on this misconception and running on a platform calling for everyone in Japan to dress like ridiculous looking cartoon characters who have no mouths. Although Ms. Kitty herself could not be reached for comment, Ms. Kuromi revealed that turmoil has plagued the Sanrio community for years; indeed, many remember when little Kuromi’s mother attempted to poison Ms. Kitty at a recent pageant of the absurd. She failed, and little Kuromi finished second.

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