Tag Archives: politics

10 New Days for Tina Fey — Day Six

First off, before I begin my post in earnest, can I just say that the high today in DC is supposed to be 71???  I swear, I almost pooped my pants in excitement when I walked outside and felt the warmth of the sun beating down upon my face.  Nothing like a little excrement to reflect true happiness.

Speaking of walking outside, I exited the Metro a stop early today just so I could enjoy the weather for just a little longer.  As I was walking, I was abruptly stopped by quite the lengthy motorcade.  At my count, there were 6 motorcycle cops (with those little side baskets — but they were empty, to the relief of the immasculated cops who have to sit in them), followed by two limos, and then a few black SUVs holding many men carrying gigantic weapons.

Holy crap!  I saw Obama!  It’s been a few weeks since I last saw Obama as he walked down Penn Ave hand-in-hand with his wife.  But today, I waved hello again to the President, who is doing his best at undoing the mistakes of the last eight years.  Ok ok, to be perfectly frank, the man I saw in the limo was what appeared to be an old white man with bone-white hair.  But I’m pretty sure it was Obama.  Because if I was working his security detail, I’d totally disguise him as an old white man with bone-white hair.

But this whole disguise thing made me think about how Tina Fey is able to travel to and from the 30 Rock studios?  I read somewhere that she drives a Lexus SUV hybrid (I am not a stalker), so I’m assuming maybe she attempts to travel incognito?  Most celebrities hide themselves rather poorly by donning some type of hat and some sunglasses.  I imagine that Tina Fey probably does the same thing — although during the winter, sunglasses wouldn’t exactly make sense, so perhaps what she does is that she doesn’t wear glasses because she normally wears glasses and Tina Fey sans glasses would throw people off as to whether she was actually Tina Fey, but then again, without glasses, she may be quite the road threat.  I am rambling.  The point is, next time I’m in Manhattan or Queens, and I see an SUV with a lone female driving and donning a strange looking hat, with no glasses, and weaving erratically, I will follow said vehicle and create my own motorcade of two until the driver of said vehicle exits, after which I will exit and happen to “accidentally” run into the driver and hand her my script.

Discover me, Tina Fey!

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Palin is a Complete Moron: Part XIII

The baker’s dozen has been completed!  Thanks to the tip from AM, I can now say that I’ve met one of my new year’s resolutions and completed 13 posts about the moron named Sarah Palin.  Below, I present to you the youtube video that made my blogging dreams come true:

Let’s examine what the Idiot named Sarah Palin discusses during this interview.

Palin rails on “anonymous bloggers,” stating that it’s a “sad state of affairs” for the media to rely on such “anonymous bloggers” as sources of news.  Putting aside the fact that I am an anonymous blogger and I think Palin can suck it for suggesting that bloggers have no utility in the dissemination of information — I think it’s tough for Palin to stand on her high horse about the value of particular sources of information when she herself is devoid of any knowledge and believes in the power of witchcraft.  Shut it, you dumb ass.

Palin then blames the media’s treatment of her on “sexism” or “political” bias.  Seriously, you are a dumb ass.  The media was obsessed with you because of the still undetermined depths of your stupidity.  It’s not sexism.  Perhaps we should coin a new term for you and announce that the media was “moronist” in its treatment of you.  And that is just unfair!  Why can’t the media leave stupid people alone?  Why must the media elite, with their fancy education and wealth of knowledge, attack former sportscasters who skipped around a slew of shitty colleges for the fact that said sportscaster knows more about the best tanning bed than international affairs?

Palin also argues that the media unfairly ignored Michelle Obama while attacking Palin’s family.  Hey idiot.  Have you seen Michelle Obama?  The media couldn’t find anything on her except making remarks on Michelle’s wardrobe choices.  While you stood up there preaching about family values and abstinence, your daughter was knocking boots with the redneck townie.  You ever heard about that saying about people in glass houses?  You probably haven’t.  That requires a modicum of knowledge.

Palin blames (surprise!) the “upper echelon” of media power for forcing her to go back to Katie Couric for additional interviews after the first day disaster.  Ok.  So I suppose Palin is finally acknowledging that Katie — Look at my Colon — Couric destroyed Palin in an interview.  But blaming the upper echelon of media for essentially making her go back out there?  Yeah, you are a hell of a maverick.  I mean, don’t all mavericks just do whatever the “upper echelon” of power ask them to do?  You go with your mavericky self.

Palin finally answers the question regarding what publications she reads, stating that she reads the “local paper,” “USA Today,” and the “New York Times.”  First of all, I’m not sure she would understand the New York Times, in part because of her demonstrated lack of intelligence.  Second of all, she reads USA Today????  How can she rail on “anonymous bloggers” while relying on the “news” in USA Today?  I’m pretty confident that this post has more words than any USA Today article in the history of that newspaper.  When Palin was nominated as VP, the USA Today article probably stated:

McCain picks Sarah Palin.  Palin is a woman.  Palin is a governor of Alaska.

You moron.

In response to a question regarding how Palin feels about Katie Couric and Tina Fey being considered heroes among the media elite, Palin goes back to a stock response, stating that she’s happy to help because “job security is important.”  Yes, you moron.  Everything is about job security.  Hey Sarah!  Why are you so stupid? — It’s all about job security!

Palin then suggests that Caroline Kennedy will be handled with kid gloves, and the media’s treatment of Kennedy will prove a “class issue.”  Palin further suggests that if had been picked as the VP candidate for Obama, the media would have loved her.  First of all, Caroline Kennedy has not been treated with “kid gloves” but instead has been severely scrutinized for her lack of experience.  Second of all, if Obama had become drunk with stupidity and picked Palin, I would not be attending inauguration next week because Obama would not have won with that idiot at his side.  Third, what “class issue?”  Does everyone forget that Obama was raised by a single mother?  Again, Palin is again confusing a media bias against stupid people seeking positions of power with a different type of bias.

I will give Palin this.  She sure as hell made this “anonymous blogger” see her WordPress stats go up.  Thanks to the unbelievable extent of your stupidity, I was able to cultivate my critical writing skills.  Although I’m at Palin is a Complete Moron:  Part XIII, I will never stop in my “moronist” treatment of you.  So, stay mavericky and keep reminding us that even the stupid can have power in the American political landscape.

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Polebrity Crush — Obama’s Cabinet of Hotties

President-elect Obama is at it again.  Not only has he made history by changing the landscape of American politics, he’s also compiling quite the impressive Cabinet.  Adding Hillary was a plus.  Adding Rahm as his right-hand man was impressive and appealing to this writer’s eye.  He recently nominated Elena Kagan of Harvard Law School — who singlehandedly almost made me pull the trigger and make a donation — almost, thanks for saving me money Barack!

And now, to add to the aesthetically pleasing rating of his Cabinet, Obama is set to nominate CNN’s Sanjay Gupta as Surgeon General.  Take a look at this neurosurgeon hottie:

Dr. Sanjay Gupta

Dr. Sanjay Gupta (growl)

Be still my heart.  Who would have thought that Obama would take a cue from Grey’s Anatomy and nominate a hot-ass doctor to be Surgeon General?  (For the record, I’m a McDreamy over McSteamy person).  Perhaps Barack figured that more Americans would listen to a hot doc than a not-so-hot doc?  Hell, works for me.  If Dr. Gupta appeared in a couple weeks and told me that I need to drop my pint of Ben & Jerry’s, get out of the indentation I’ve made in my couch, hit the gym, and give up artificial sweeteners, I just might listen.  But only if he flashes those pearly whites.  I mean, who would you rather have give you a physical?  Dr. Gupta or your current doc?  Yeah, me too.

Thanks Barack.  Not only have you given me hope for the next four years, you’ve made following politics a whole hell of a lot more aesthetically pleasing.  Rahm, Sanjay — you need one more hottie to complete the trifecta!

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The All-Inclusive GOP

I’m a bit delayed due to the holidays, but I suppose now is as good a time as any to impart my thoughts on Chip Saltsman’s idea of a chuckle.  For those who don’t know (perhaps you have been buried under a Christmas tree with 3 pounds of fruitcake lodged in your bowels causing immobility), Saltsman is a candidate for Chairman of the Republican National Committee.  For shits and giggles, Saltsman sent around a CD to his fellow GOP’ers this year, wishing them good tidings and cheer, a ticket to heaven, and a song entitled, “Barack the Magic Negro,” sung to the tune of “Puff the Magic Dragon.”

Amazingly enough, most of the rest of the GOP leadership is up in arms over this song.  However, there are still quite a few in the party’s leadership decrying the outcry, stating that the song is merely a parody, and people need to get over it.  So, today, I’d like to examine what constitutes as appropriate parody and what constitutes bigoted offensive bastardly behavior.

Appropriate Parody — (1) Tina Fey’s impression of Sarah Palin, highlighting her stupidity; (2) Justin Timberlake’s impression of Barry Gibs, highlighting the high pitch of his voice; (3) Weird Al.

Bigoted, Offensive, Bastardly Behavior — (1) making light of the Holocaust and/or Hitler; (2) making light of 9/11; (3) calling someone a “magic Negro.”

After being trounced in this year’s elections, you’d think that the GOP would get the hint that they need to, at the very least, hide the fact that the party’s leadership includes a hell of a lot of bigoted assholes.  I’m not saying all the leadership — I’m sure there are plenty of GOP leaders who simply espouse the principles of small government etc.  But Saltsman, a candidate for Chairman of the RNC, represents what millions have known about the GOP — all-inclusive my ass.

Actually, on second though, the GOP is quite inclusive.  I mean, how the hell is the party supposed to thrive without taking advantage of those less fortunate and keeping them in a state of economic and social dependence such that the party can revert the country back to a state of slavery?  Seriously.  The country was better back then.  Rich whites didn’t have to do anything except make sure that the poor blacks were appropriately controlled to prevent them from running amok.  Yeah, super super inclusive.

To end this post, I have one thing to say to good ol’ Chip.  And I’m not joking when I say this.  This is not a parody.  It’s not meant in good fun — Piss off.

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A Compliment for Dubya

Yes, compliments for Dubya from yours truly are certainly few and far between.  Indeed, I never thought this day would come, especially during the lame duck period before the dawn of a new age of American politics and hope.  Although I still believe that Dubya’s faults far outweigh any characteristics of legitimate value, I have to add a small weight to the scale of stupidity, thereby tipping the balance slightly away from “100% useless.”

I’m sure you’ve all seen this video, or a variation of it, but here goes:

So what, you ask, is the characteristic of legitimate value?  Well, the guy appears to have good reflexes.  That reporter’s shoe was flung with great speed, spinning heel to toe as it vaulted toward the Dub.  Although the shoe was accurately thrown as if a bulls-eye was located squarely on Dubya’s forehead, the Dub was able, with lightning-quick reflexes, to dodge said footwear.

Congratulations Dubya!  You’ve received a compliment from one of your harshest critics.  Now go f*ck off.

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And a Nominee for the Island is . . .

Rod Blagojevich belongs on the Island.  I mean, seriously.  For those of you living under a rock, Governor Blagojevich of Illinois found it appropriate to attempt to sell the Senate seat that would be vacated upon Barack Obama’s inauguration as President of the United States.  As if attempting to fill seats for an updated version of the Dating Game, Blagojevich named various “candidates” for the position.  This was no ordinary Dating Game though — more like a dating game in the red light district — if candidates were not willing to fork over enough cash to bang the hottest girl on the strip, Blagojevich planned on banging her himself.  Always the romantic, Blagojevich also sought favors for his wife, the foul-mouthed Patricia Blagojevich, known for both her work with charities and her behind the scenes “fuck” tirades.

After being arrested and having the details of his escapades made public in a lengthy and criminal complaint, what did Rod do?  He kept going to work.  Despite requests from both sides of the political fence, including from President-elect Obama himself, Rod continues to go to work, defending his actions while proclaiming his innocence.

So you know what Rod?  Step your ass down.  You have singlehandedly fanned the flames of backlash against progressive America.  When you are convicted, you will enjoy a whole lot of “fuck yous” in prison.  I hope you bring the Vaseline.  As a progressive, I reject you.  You, sir, have been nominated to the Island.

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Detroit Bailout – Not Leaving on a Jet Plane

The last time the CEOs of the Big 3 headed to Washington to plead for billions of dollars of government aid, each of the CEOs flew in private jets, incurring thousands of dollars.  I mean, it’s kind of like Paris Hilton rolling up to the Food Bank in her Bentley and demanding caviar.  Not cool, yo.  At the time, the Big 3 defended their actions, stating that it was company policy, and was for the protection of the CEOs.  Well, personally, prior to hearing news of the CEOs traveling H to the Izzo style, I had no idea what the hell they even looked like.  If I saw them on a plane, sitting in first class, I wouldn’t even take a second look, so I’m not sure what the “safety” concerns were.  Now, however, their images have been burned into my head, and if I do see them, I’ll give them a piece of my mind.  And it ain’t pretty up there.  This bitch has a lot to say, and I’m sure I’m going to make like a chihuahua and bark at them like crazy, letting them know that I’d shove my fist up their assholes if it wasn’t for the first class/coach curtain divider.  Watch out bitches!

Anyways, I digress.  This time, however, the CEOs have instead traveled to Washington in hybrid vehicles.  I’m in disbelief that they actually arrived.  I mean, would anyone have been horribly shocked if the shitty vehicles broke down mid-trip?  I wouldn’t.  But check out the wheels of Chrysler CEO Bob Nardelli:

Chrysler's Fuel "Efficient" Vehicle

Picture from CNN

According to CNN, this fuel “efficient” vehicle gets 22 highway, and 20 city.  My little Acura gets far better gas mileage than this beast.  And this beast of a vehicle surely doesn’t go very far in supporting the Big 3 contention that manufacturers will be making smaller, highly innovative vehicles.  This looks like the same piece of shit that’s been coming out of Detroit for the last couple of decades. 

Here’s a thought.  Maybe the CEOs should have traveled to DC in Ford Pintos.  With every mile closer to their destination, there is one less mile in which they may blow up in a fiery ball of shitty American-designed vehicle.  It’ll remind them of the benefits of innovation, while simultaneously reminding them of how taking shortcuts to improve gas mileage led to the death and maiming of scores of helpless Americans.

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