My quest to meet Tina Fey & NPH has taken me to the four corners of this Earth, so to speak. I’ve attempted to place myself in positions that would enable me to “accidentally” run into these two saviors of comedy. To quote the hubby, it’s not “stalking” . . . it’s “strategic networking.” That’ll be my primary defense should I find myself handcuffed in the back of a black and white vehicle in front of NPH’s southern California pad as the cops confiscate my binoculars. Because my script is so awesome, I won’t let them get their paws on that—see my inspiration below.
Last week, as part of my strategic networking plan, I headed over to Macy’s in downtown San Francisco to assist the SPCA with adoptions of dogs and cats. Every year, during the holidays when people are overwhelmed by the haze of egg nog and David Archuleta’s Christmas album, the SPCA sets up window displays of adoptable animals at Macy’s. I figured, on the off chance that Tina Fey or NPH have decided to visit San Francisco, they’d likely visit Union Square, and by assisting with the collection of donations, I would have a surefire way of being within 20 yards of my targets (I wonder what the average restraining order prescribes as a safe distance?). So, with my collection jar in hand, an SPCA jacket on my back, and a friendly unassuming smile, I began my work.
Now, collecting donations in front of windows displaying kittens and a doggie is not that difficult, if you think about it. The SPCA, however, helps you out by providing you with some simple instructions on how to encourage people to give. Phrases like, “Gimme yo dough or the kitties be no mo” simply are not effective, as I was told with a wary eye. They suggested something like, “Would you like to make a donation to the San Francisco SPCA?” I found that line to be way too long and complicated, yielding in little money but instead leading to incessant questioning as to what “SPCA” stands for. So, as a compromise between my catchy phrase and the party line, I decided to go with something along the lines of, “Would you like to make a donation to help these kittens find a real home?” That worked pretty damn well, as I received plenty of singles, fives, ten-spots, and even a 20 in my two hours of volunteering.
I did not, however, manage to see Tina Fey or NPH. However, I did accost approach each and every brunette woman donning glasses and ask for a donation, but none of them proved to be the target of my strategic networking. At one point, I thought NPH had stormed in front of me screaming because he was so excited that he had finally been located by me, but alas, it was a somewhat crazy man telling all donators that they were going to hell for donating to dogs and not people. As crazy man came near me, I quickly ingested my script, fearing that it was a ruse to get to my script of gold. For days after, I payed dearly for that ingestion. Will I ever find you, Tina Fey or NPH? Hear my pleas. Savor my devotion.
Discover me, Tina Fey & NPH!!!