In the interest of all that is expected, herein lie my New Year’s Resolutions. I know what you all are thinking (all two of you, including hubby) . . . her New Year’s resolution is to be discovered by Tina Fey and NPH. Wah wah wah. Alas, while that is a resolution I hold near and dear to my heart, it frankly will not be on this list, because that is not a resolution, but in fact the meaning of my very existence. I consider New Year’s Resolutions to involve tasks and goals that you desire, but you also consciously or subconsciously know that you will likely give up on said tasks and goals by March at the latest, January 2 at the earliest. So drum roll please . . . below, I present my list of resolutions I plan on breaking by March of 2010.
- Traveling to Queens and Standing Outside of the 30 Rock Studios for 30 Hours Wearing Nothing but 30 Intricately Placed Diamonds: Technically, I understand that this task sounds like a “Discover me, Tina Fey” task. But I had to recategorize this task as a resolution when I realized that the procurement of 30 adequately-sized diamonds would not be realizable, especially since the hubby and I failed to win at our last Super Lotto attempt. Therefore, it becomes a resolution, and I plan on easily breaking this resolution by January 2.
- Undergoing Extensive Plastic Surgery In Order to Look Like David Burtka: For those of you who don’t know, NPH’s boyfriend is David Burtka. For those of you who know me, I don’t look like David Burtka. However, if indeed I looked like David Burtka, I could perhaps position myself outside of NPH’s home—watering the plants, for example—and NPH could mistaken me for his boyfriend, ask me whether I wanted to have the leftover lamb vindaloo for dinner or go out instead, and I would respond by providing him with my script and running away as the real David Burtka stumbles out of the shed in which he accidentally locked himself into. Given that I need only find a qualified plastic surgeon who would be willing to engage in such pro bono work, I give this resolution until March 15.
- Not Exercising: I like to think outside of the box and adopt resolutions that make me one-of-a-kind. Being a fitness fanatic, I resolve to sit on my ass and remain as immobilized as possible so my buttocks can expand and engulf the remainder of my body, giving a whole new meaning to the word, “asshole.” Who am I kidding? I give this resolution until 9am on January 1.
- Become a Choreographer and Join Nappy Tabs: Once I accomplish this goal of becoming a choreographer specializing in general hip hop and that subset of hip hop called lyrical hip hop (which, as I’ve been told, does not actually exist), I will join Nappy Tabs, and we will create a new choreography trio called Nectarized Nappy Tabs. We will take SYTYCD by storm, to the point where each and every dance of each and every episode will be choreographed by us, and I will reap said financial rewards from this endeavor and reinvest those monies into finally being discovered by Tina Fey & NPH.
For my three readers, may all your New Year’s Resolutions be as attainable as mine. May you bask in the shame of your resolution failures, and may your outlandish delusions of fame and fortune overtake your already-eroding concept of reality. Happy New Year folks!
Discover me, Tina Fey & NPH!!!