Tag Archives: the island

And a Nominee to the Island Is . . .

Meet Marcus Schrenker.  Schrenker is a financial manager based in Indiana and the President of Heritage Wealth Management.  The SEC and other investigators are probing into the activities of Heritage Wealth Management, with all signs pointing to the company managing a Ponzi scheme (see Bernie Madoff).  As a little icing on the cake of despair, Schrenker’s wife also recently filed for divorce.  So if you were Schrenker, what would you do?

Hell, I’d fake my death!  Yes!  On Sunday night, Schrenker took off on a solo flight in his soon-to-be repo’d corporate plane.  While in the air, Schrenker called air traffic control, reporting that his windshield had imploded and that he was bleeding profusely.  Turns out that Schrenker had made the distress call, put the plane on auto-pilot at 2,000 feet, and parachuted out to safety, allowing the plane to crash into the Florida swamps, less than a football field away from homes.  When authorities approached the plane, they found no blood, the windshield intact, and the door ajar.

So where was Schrenker?  The genius landed and decided to approach police officers (that is not a typo), dripping wet and with his flight goggles still on his head.  He told the officer that he had been in a “canoeing accident,” and the officer took Schrenker to a nearby hotel.  Once word was out about the crash, officers headed back to the hotel, but Schrenker had already fled into the woods after first donning a black cap.

Ok — I have no idea how this guy was able to pull off any alleged Ponzi scheme.  What a moron.  First, if you’re going to call air traffic control reporting a broken windshield and profuse bleeding, perhaps you should — I don’t know — break your windshield and at least splatter some ketchup around the damn thing before you parachute out.  It’s like a PI plaintiff alleging total incapacitation from an accident and then spending the next day playing Ironman football.  Second, you seriously thought it was a good idea to approach the police after you landed?  With your flight goggles still located on your head?  Way to be inconspicuous.  Finally, you allow the police officer to take you to a hotel, where you pay in cash and then flee into the damn woods?  Oh yeah — I’m sure nobody is going to find you with your wicked survival skills.

My head is about to explode with commentary.  Schrenker — welcome to the Island.


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Filed under News to Amuse, WTF?

And a Nominee for the Island is . . .

Rod Blagojevich belongs on the Island.  I mean, seriously.  For those of you living under a rock, Governor Blagojevich of Illinois found it appropriate to attempt to sell the Senate seat that would be vacated upon Barack Obama’s inauguration as President of the United States.  As if attempting to fill seats for an updated version of the Dating Game, Blagojevich named various “candidates” for the position.  This was no ordinary Dating Game though — more like a dating game in the red light district — if candidates were not willing to fork over enough cash to bang the hottest girl on the strip, Blagojevich planned on banging her himself.  Always the romantic, Blagojevich also sought favors for his wife, the foul-mouthed Patricia Blagojevich, known for both her work with charities and her behind the scenes “fuck” tirades.

After being arrested and having the details of his escapades made public in a lengthy and criminal complaint, what did Rod do?  He kept going to work.  Despite requests from both sides of the political fence, including from President-elect Obama himself, Rod continues to go to work, defending his actions while proclaiming his innocence.

So you know what Rod?  Step your ass down.  You have singlehandedly fanned the flames of backlash against progressive America.  When you are convicted, you will enjoy a whole lot of “fuck yous” in prison.  I hope you bring the Vaseline.  As a progressive, I reject you.  You, sir, have been nominated to the Island.

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Filed under Personal Pontification

Palin is a Complete Moron: Part . . . Compilation

It wouldn’t be fair to add this as Part XII to my Palin is a Complete Moron series.  It’s more of a compilation of prior posts.

For those of you who believe that Palin would have made a qualified and knowledgeable Vice-President, watch this video and try to back up that assertion.  Porky Pig was more articulate than this dumb ass.

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Palin is a Complete Moron: Part XI

And you thought I was done with this series . . . Either the GOP has decided to throw Palin under the bus without justification or even senior Republican officials are finally recognizing the moron that is Sarah Palin.

Yes, the video above is from Fox News, the news station of evil.  Thus, Palin’s purported allies have now stated that Palin did not know the members of NAFTA — I doubt she even knew what NAFTA stood for, because if she did, she’d surely at least be able to guess what the members are.  Moron probably thought it was some division of NASA.  Palin also did not know that Africa was a continent, believing instead that Africa was a country.

Yeah Sarah.  So are South America and Europe.  Each is just one big country where people just happen to speak different languages.  Like in the U.S., where the blue states speak a variety of languages, including English, and the red states speak in tongue.

Although Obama and Biden’s victory has brought me indescribable joy (it’s still surreal to me), I am a bit disappointed that comedic fodder will now be in short supply.  Although the new administration promises to help ease the recession and concurrent loss of jobs, there will be one industry that will be harmed by an Obama administration — I’m imagining that writers on the Daily Show, the Rachel Maddow Show, Countdown etc. will soon be looking for new jobs.  Alas, these are the sacrifices we must make for the good of the nation.  I may never get to a baker’s dozen of this “Palin is a Complete Moron” series, but I’ll sure as hell try.  Because if I’ve learned anything from this campaign, it’s this:  Yes I Can.

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Filed under Personal Pontification

Johnny Mac is Off His Rocker

For better or worse, I live in a battleground state and am constantly bombarded with political ads.  Having lived in California for most of my life, television ads for political candidates were something that I only heard about — ads only played in those other states where the population was not overwhelmingly progressive as in California.  I take it as a double-edged sword that I am now in a position to really change the state of the nation for the next four years.  Like many Americans, I watched the Obama 30-minute closing argument last night — a closing argument that, at times, sent goose bumps traveling down my arms.  Shortly after the closing argument aired, I saw this ad from the McCain camp:

Yes.  If you watched this ad, you’ll see that McCain now thinks that Obama is not ready . . . yet.

So let’s take a short trip through history to examine the McCain camp’s tactics against Senator Obama.  First, Johnny Mac attacked Obama on his lack of foreign policy experience.  That tactic soon expanded into an attack on all of Obama’s experience.  After adding the Moron to the ticket, attacks on experience quickly fell second to attacks on Obama’s “associations” and turning a blind eye toward attacks on Obama’s alleged Islamic faith and the color of his skin.  Once the Ayers attacks (and now the Khalidi attacks) fell short of expectations, Johnny Mac returned to attacking experience, going nearly full circle in strategy.  Except for one thing — Johnny Mac is now apparently stating that Obama will be a great President — just not now?

I don’t think it takes any specialized political strategy training to say, WTF?  THAT is your strategy?  To say that your opponent, who is leading in every poll, is not ready . . . YET?

Perhaps this is Johnny Mac’s way of getting back at the Moron for going off script during stump speeches.  Since insiders are claiming that the Moron is simply setting herself up for a run at the Presidency in 2012, Johnny Mac’s temper and vindictiveness has led him to sabotage his own pathetic campaign to make sure that the Moron can’t win in 2012.  According to Johnny Mac, if Obama is not ready yet, does that mean he’ll be ready in 2012?  Well, for sure he’ll be ready since he’ll have had 4 years sitting in the Oval Office, cleaning up the diarrhea bombs Dubya dropped all over the nation.  But seriously . . . from someone who has spent the last few months spreading dirty little lies about Obama and sending out mailers implying that Obama is a terrorist, it’s come down to this?  He’s not ready . . . YET?  Johnny Mac — you’re pathetic.

And on an unrelated note, congrats to the Philadelphia Phillies for winning the World Series . . . with a special congrats to UCLA alum Chase Utley and San Diego native Cole Hamels.  Way to represent Cali!!!

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Filed under Personal Pontification, WTF?

GOP Insiders Complain of the “Diva” “Going Rogue”

As reported by CNN, McCain/Palin staffers are increasingly worried about Governor Palin’s apparently intentional departures from scripted stump speeches.  Staffers have called her a “diva” — yes, these are probably the same staffers who claimed that the Obama/Biden campaign and the media were sexist in their attacks on Palin.  Staffers have also voiced concerns about Palin simply “going rogue” and pursuing her own selfish agenda, as opposed to the agenda the campaign has attempted to foist upon Governor Palin.  . . . yeah, because we all know that Palin is intelligent enough to run her own national campaign.

Speaking of “going rogue,” this season of Heroes is all about questioning preconceptions on which characters are heroes and which are villains.  This seems like as good a spot as any to post a picture, then, of Peter Petrelli, a FPOA (fine piece of ass).

Wow.  Did I just make a comparison between Peter Petrelli and Sarah Palin?  Shame on me.  Forgive me, Milo!

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Filed under Personal Pontification, Television

The Most Stupid Republican in America

First, I don’t purport to argue that every single Republican is stupid.  There are plenty of reasonable and intelligent Republicans (who, in my experience, all agree that Sarah Palin is a moron) — so this post should not be interpreted as presenting a belief that all Republicans are dumb.  So who is the most stupid Republican in America?  Good guess if it’s this person:

 Another intelligent guess would be this idiot:

But alas, a new Republican has come into my crosshairs, in a blaze of glorified stupidity.  Meet Ashley Todd:

Now, as most of you are aware, Ms. Todd is a 20-year old student and a member of the College Republicans.  She is also a prime example that apparently, anyone can get into college — even racist, stupid, crazy people.  Ashley Todd made headline news when she told investigators of a vicious attack by a tall black man.  Ms. Todd reported that she was mugged at an ATM by a 6′ 4″ black man — and that when the evil black man saw the McCain/Palin tag on her vehicle, the evil black man went all “ghetto” on her, beat her ass down, and carved a “B” for Barack on her face.

The conservative media jumped on the story, implying that Ms. Todd was the victim of racial animosity by a black “friend” of Senator Obama.

Investigators, however, were puzzled at inconsistencies in Ms. Todd’s story, plus the fact that this allegedly crazy black man apparently did not know how to write the letter B, which appeared backwards on Ms. Todd’s cheek.  Ultimately, Ms. Todd admitted to making the whole shit up, is now claiming that she’s crazy, and has been disowned by the Republican party.

When I saw this story, I thought of Tina Fey.  I know what you’re thinking — why would I think of Tina Fey, the person I hold in the most esteemed regard and is the queen of intelligent comedy?  Well, if you saw Mean Girls, you’ll know why the association sprang up in my mind.  As you may know, the Mean Girls consisted of Queen Bee Regina George, who was ultimately replaced by Cady Heron, and also Gretchen Wieners and Karen Smith.  The girls were preparing to attend the annual Spring Fling, and Karen Smith decided to spruce up her outfit by sticking jewels on her chest to form the letter “K.”

If Ashley Todd watched this movie, my guess is that she stopped at this point, was completely inspired by Karen Smith, and then proceeded to beat her face with a hockey stick and carve a B with a rusty nail file.  Poor Ashley Todd.  If only she watched . . . just a minute later to see how Karen actually looked at the Spring Fling!

Ahh, which brings me to my plea to Tina Fey.  Way to go Tina Fey!  Who would have thought that Tina Fey would have anticipated, in 2004, that she could be the inspiration for someone who could make the GOP look even more stupid?  Nice job!  Tina Fey — you are fabulous.  Discover me, Tina Fey!

Picture from Bubbley’s Screenshot Gallery

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Filed under Movies, Personal Pontification, Plea to Tina Fey