Tag Archives: Travel

A Glimpse into the Abyss

Yesterday, I was in Dallas for work, during which I watched a court reporter furiously take down terms such as “stank eye” and “SOL.”  While at Dallas Fort-Worth Airport, I saw the face of evil (and his little aide too!):

Face of Evil

I stood behind K-Rove on the jet bridge.  K-Rove and his little aide sat in business class, while I sat two rows behind at the front of coach.  I stared at the little wisps of hair floating on the back of his head, covering a brain that has been behind the demolition of our Constitution and destruction of American democratic ideals.  A little brain that accurately surmised that idiots in the country would vote for another four years of drinking Dubya-branded diarrhea tea, because of a flyer showing Dubya in front of a battered church with an unidentified baby.

Before the flight took off, and before the flight attendants made their “turn off electronic devices” announcement, I furiously texted friends of my newfound predicament.

I’M ON A PLANE WITH KARL ROVE.  SHOULD I TAKE HIM OUT?  HA HA.

I added the “Ha Ha” to prevent Big Brother Homeland Security from hopping on the plane and taking me out kicking and screaming under the guise of the Patriot Act.  I received multiple responses, including:

lol . . .

Oh crap!!!

Love it!  That is crazy

Yes

Seriously?!  Ha ha — Don’t waste the bullet; we slaughtered ’em on 11/04 anyway!

U should shit in his shoe since he shit all over our lives, then claim privilege

My friends are creative.  I did indeed think about shitting in his shoes, but I just didn’t have it in me, if you know what I mean.

Back to Karl Rove.  That man just exudes evil.  From his little beady eyes, to the creepy power-hungry aide he wants to bang, K-Rove almost scared the crap out of me.  (I say almost, otherwise I would have . . . well, see above).  Anger brewed inside of me, as I thought of various ways I could poison his American Airlines chocolate chip cookie. 

But then it dawned on me.  We won!  Yeah beyotch!  Take that!

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Filed under Legal Woes, Travel

Thoughts From The Cape

Although I am away on vacation, I certainly have not allowed myself to be completely out of touch with the real world.  First off, can I get a whoot whoot to the Bruins, who beat the odds to beat Tennessee in overtime?  Second, I must comment on this week’s RNC.

Let’s first talk about McCain’s pick of Sarah Palin.  This pick came completely out of left field, as even Fox News pundits had not put Palin in the running.  As an initial issue, some have compared Palin to Tina Fey in appearance, but I must object on Tina Fey’s behalf for such comparison, given that mere aesthetic similarities (brunette hair and glasses) should not suffice to place someone as fantastic as Ms. Fey with a gun-toting crazy woman like Ms. Palin.  Although Johnny Mac’s pick was not exactly shocking, given that Ms. Palin immediately began appealing to Hillary Clinton supporters (such as me), I am nonetheless utterly offended by Johnny Mac and his crew.  In between the rhetoric of Palin’s speech and the uproar of the NRA-loving crowd, I heard an appeal to Hillary supporters that–peeled of all its superficial layers, read like this:

My fellow Americans.  This is a fabulous day in history, as the party of the people, the original Republican party, has chosen me to stand by Johnny Mac’s side as Vice-President.  I understand that Johnny Mac may croak at any given time, despite the fact that he still carts his mother around like a piece of meat.  I understand that when Johnny Mac’s time comes, I will have to step in to lead this country as Commander-in-Chief.  I would like to appeal to all Democrats and Independents and Greens and Blues out there who wanted to vote for Hillary Clinton–I am Hillary Clinton.  Together, we can make that final sawed-off shotgun blow to that ultimate glass ceiling.  How am I like Hillary?  Well, I have two boobs.  Yes folks.  Count ’em.  Two jiggly boobies.  I also have mammary glands, just like Hillary Clinton.  If I bleed, I bleed XX chromosomes just like Hillary Clinton.  Vote for me, because just like Hillary, I do not have a penis, and I do like the penis.  Just like Hillary, I have given birth to children and possess child-bearing hips.  Just like Hillary, I proudly wear skirt-suits with pearl necklaces and turquoise earrings.  Vote for McCain/Palin.  If you don’t, just admit to yourself that you are a sexist pig!

One more point I’d like to make about the RNC:  What’s up with the RNC’s “Country First” slogan?  I mean, seriously.  Does this mean that if I don’t vote for the Republican ticket, I don’t put country first?  How insulting is that?  We can talk on and on about how Johnny Mac is the “original Maverick,” but apparently the original Maverick’s goal is to alienate as many people as possible who dissent, as these individuals apparently do not put country first.

Speaking of the people at the RNC, isn’t it funny that the GOP could barely get 10,000 people into their convention (50% of whom look like they might croak at any given time, no offense)?  Compare that with the DNC, where crowds were spilling out of Mile-High Stadium.  Ahh, the Republican party–always great fodder for comedic conversation.

I am rambling.  Time to return to vacation!

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Filed under Personal Pontification, Travel

Vacation — and a Plea to Tina Fey

In short time, I will be headed off on vacation for a week of much-needed rest and relaxation.  Before I leave, I would like to make another plea to Tina Fey to discover me and my twisted mind.

Last weekend, I went to the local mall to search for Tina Fey.  I know that, at least in Mean Girls, she frequents malls, so I figured a mall would be as good a place as any to “accidentally” run into Tina Fey.  I first entered stores in which I believed Tina Fey might actually shop–Crate & Barrel, Pottery Barn, Nordstrom, Victoria’s Secret.  I entered each shop, covering each aisle and corner of the store, searching for Tina Fey.  In my hand was a manuscript yearning to be read.  After I was satisfied that a visual survey was not successful, I went to Customer Service to ask if anyone had seen Tina Fey.  While most just seemed puzzled by my request, the woman at Victoria’s Secret barely listened to my request at all.  Despite her attempts at ignorance, I remained steadfast and continued to pester her with questions about Tina Fey while she attempted to measure the size of my rack.

Unfortunately, Tina Fey was nowhere to be found.  I then proceeded to stores in which I believed Tina Fey could possibly enter, but was first distracted by a diversion into Banana Republic.  Five hours into my search, I was exhausted.  I began to believe that every brunette with glasses was Tina Fey.  As I sat outside the Cinnabon, stuffing my face, I felt surrounded by Tina Feys.  I took my icing covered fingers and began tracing letters on the food court table — DEAR MS. FEY, DISCOVER ME!  Eventually, I was removed by mall security, kicking and screaming.  After that quarrel, I stood outside the Payless Shoe Source and it dawned on me.  Tina Fey does not live in Virginia.  I must go to New York!  I will find Tina Fey in a mall in New York! 

What a vacation this will be!

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Filed under Life, Plea to Tina Fey

A 19 minute flight

I just took a 19-minute flight from Cincinnati to Lexington.  So basically, I got on the plane, heard the spiel about my seatbelt, took off, was informed I could use my iPod and immediately informed that all electronic devices must be shut off, put my seat back up, and landed.

It got me thinking.  What else can happen in 19 minutes?  CNN claims that you can clean your house in 19 minutes.  Well, I have news for CNN (can I get a knee slap for that pun?) — my 19 minutes are precious.  My 19 minutes are better spent watching Tila Tequila get a Shot at Love or watching Kendra Todd, wonky-eye extraordinaire, show me what houses are worth.  I don’t have 19 minutes to clean every day.  Whatever–this article just represents how CNN is really just trying to denigrate women to return to the confines of the home and lower the glass ceiling just a little more so that Anderson Cooper can take over the world and make the women of the world his 19-minute cleaning slaves.  Wait–does AC360 like women?  I digress.

19 minutes is also just the amount of time a working parent needs to spend with their children.  Research shows that a working “mum” spends less than a half hour with their kids–all 19 minutes of which is spent telling the kids to stop giggling when they say “mum.”  Isn’t it the case that once something is spoken with a British accent, it just sounds more intelligent?  I like my mum.  Would you like some tea and cookies?  I surely do like Prince Harry.  How about it old chap – let’s go to Big Ben!  I wonder what Brits think of Americans.  Last I checked, they were mocking our President and calling Tony Blair a “raggety little bitch.”  Oh wait.  I might have done that–with a British accent.  I’m getting old and my memory is failing.

Time your next 19 minutes and assess what you did in life.  Chances are, you realized that you spent the last 19 minutes stewing in your juices in an overly-priced office chair, wishing that you were on a beach in Hawaii, hoping you could win the lottery, cursing your boss, and listening to, “Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta.”  Because you, my friend, have 70 pieces of flair.

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Filed under Life, Travel