Three Fine Bitches Packing Cameltoe

I present to you my friend CS in the following music video for “Three Fine Bitches Packing Cameltoe.”

CS is f’ing hilarious.  And that cameltoe can surely make you lose your lunch.  Or your change . . . within that massive vajayjay crease.  As Rachael Ray would say, Yum-O!

Song of the Week — A Little Blues with My Christmas

I sometimes believe that I was actually born in the Great Depression, finding my only solace in the emotionally-laden music of American blues.  While I do love me some Justin Timberlake and New Kids on the Block, I also love me some Billie Holiday, Etta James, Duke Ellington, Diana Krall, and Michael Buble.  Therefore, imagine the thrill of discovering the collision of my musical worlds when Christina Aguilera released her Back to Basics album.  But even before said album, Christina released her version of the Christmas blues classic, “Merry Christmas, Baby.”  Lyrics provided by Lyricwiki, so if they’re wrong, take it up with them:

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
In days of auld lang syne

Oh, ooh
Merry Christmas baby
You sure did treat me nice, oh ooh, yeah, yeah
Said uh, merry Christmas baby oh
You sure did treat me nice, oh
You gave me a diamond ring for Christmas
Now I’m living in paradise, oh

[Christina Aguilera (Dr. John)]
I’m, I’m feeling mighty fine
Got good music on my radio
(Yes you do child)
Well I’m, I’m feeling mighty fine
Got good music, music on my radio, oh
(That’s right)
Well I, I wanna kiss you baby
While we’re standing underneath the mistletoe

Santa came down the chimney
About a half past three
Left all these pretty presents
That you, that you see before me, oh

Merry Christmas baby, merry Christmas baby
You sure been good to me, oh, oh ooh
Well I, I haven’t had a drink this morning
But I’m, I’m lit up like a Christmas tree
Christmas tree, oh ooh oh, oh yeah

[piano solo by Dr. John]

Ooh, yeah, oh
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Oh, oh
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah

[Dr. John]
St. Nick came down the chimney
About a half past three
He left all these pretty presents
That you see before me

Merry Christmas baby
You sure look good to me
Ain’t had a taste this morning
But I’m all lit up like a Christmas tree, yeah

[Christina]
Oh, oh, oh, ooh
Merry Christmas baby
You sure been good to me
Oh, oh, ooh
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh
Sure been good to, to, to, ooh me
Hey, ooh, oh yeah

Happy holidays, everyone.  During this time of year, even this bitter old beyotch can appreciate the holiday spirit.  I believe I just shed a tear.  It may have been a tear caused by my allergy to the Metro, but it’s a tear nonetheless.

Song of the Week: The Show

I haven’t posted a song in a while, perhaps because my head has been firmly placed up my ass, and music just does not play up in the depths of that cavity . . . Anyways, I downloaded this song for free on iTunes quite a while ago, and I have to say that it might be the only free song of the week I have ever downloaded on iTunes that I actually enjoyed.  Lyrics and video:

I’m just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze, and love is a riddle
I don’t know where to go
Can’t do it alone
I’ve tried, but i don’t know why

Slow it down, make it stop
Or else my heart is going to pop
Cause it’s to much, yea it’s a lot
To be something I’m not

I’m a fool, out of love
Cause I just can’t get enough

I’m just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze, and love is a riddle
I don’t know where to go
Can’t do it alone
I’ve tried, but i don’t know why

I’m just a little girl lost in the moment
I’m so scared but i don’t show it
I can’t figure it out
It’s bringing me down
I know, I’ve got to let it go

And just enjoy the show

The sun is hot in the sky
Just like a giant spot light
The people follow the signs
And synchronize in time

It’s just, no body knows
They got to take it to the show
Yea

I’m just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze, and love is a riddle
I don’t know where to go
Can’t do it alone
I’ve tried, but i don’t know why

I’m just a little girl lost in the moment
I’m so scared but i don’t show it
I can’t figure it out
It’s bringing me down
I know, I’ve got to let it go

And just enjoy the show

Just enjoy the show
I’m just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze, and love is a riddle
I don’t know where to go
Can’t do it alone
I’ve tried, but i don’t know why

I’m just a little girl lost in the moment
I’m so scared but i don’t show it
I can’t figure it out
It’s bringing me down
I know, I’ve got to let it go

And just enjoy the show

Just enjoy the show(x2)

I want my money back(x3)

What a cute fuckin song, don’t you think?  Lenka, I feel you.  Life is a maze.  And frankly, I’m often lost, given my poor sense of direction and poor judgment.  I recited the chorus of this song to the Comcast customer service representative last week, when my Internet and phone service went out.  I tried to draw an analogy about how losing Internet and phone service is equivalent to being in a maze.  I then recited the “I want my money back” line several times.  I was met with silence.  Kiss my ass Comcast.

Song of the Week – I Voted!

In honor of my absentee vote this morning, this week’s song is “In the Waiting Line” by Zero 7.

Wait in line
Till your time
Ticking clock
Everyone stop

Everyone’s saying different things to me
Different things to me
Everyone’s saying different things to me
Different things to me

Do you believe
In what you see
There doesn’t seem to be anybody else who agrees with me

Do you believe
In what you see
Motionless wheel
Nothing is real
Wasting my time
In the waiting line
Do you believe in
What you see

Nine to five
Living lies
Everyday
Stealing time
Everyone’s taking everything they can
Everything they can
Everyone’s taking everything they can
Everything they can

Do you believe
In what you feel
It doesn’t seem to be anybody else who agrees with me

Do you believe
In what you see
Motionless wheel
Nothing is real
Wasting my time
In the waiting line
Do you believe
In what you see

And I’ll shout and I’ll scream
But I’d rather not be seen
And I’ll hide away for another day

Do you believe
In what you see
Motionless wheel
Nothing is real
Wasting my time
In the waiting line
Do you believe
In what you see

Everyone’s saying different things to me
Different things to me
Different things to me
Different things to me
Different things to me
Everyone’s taking everything they can
Everything they can

I waited in line today for a little over a half hour to vote.  To meet Virginia election requirements, I covered up the Obama buttons on my backpack with my jacket.  Waiting in line kind of sucked, but it did make me think that November 4 could be a serious pain in the ass for voting.  I’m imagining lines extending out the door and into the freezing fall air.  But, c’mon people — especially if you’re in a battleground state, think of how important it is for you to be able to have your voice be heard.  If that doesn’t work, think of something else you’d be willing to stay out in the cold for — think of November 4 as Black Friday and you’re waiting in line to get a $49 Blu-Ray player.  Or think of November 4 as the Super Bowl and you have a coveted 50-yard line ticket.  Or think of November 4 as the day you attend a Meet and Greet with Jonathan Knight or Justin Timberlake or Milo Ventimiglia or [insert your unhealthy infatuation].  Or think of November 4 as the day you meet Tina Fey and finally tell her in person that you would like to be discovered and whisked away from the doldrums of your professional legal career to enter the exciting world of television writing and comedy (Discover me, Tina Fey!).  I digress.  The point is, there must be something you’d wait in line for.  If exercising your right to vote is not sufficient incentive, then trick yourself into thinking of something else.

Unless you’re voting for Johnny Mac and the Moron.  In that case, waiting in line sucks.  And seriously, is your one vote going to count?  Go home and take the day off!

Song of the Week – A Blast From the Past

For this week’s song, I have chosen “Cover Girl,” by the New Kids on the Block.  As always, lyrics were pulled from LyricWiki:

I get up in the morning and I see your face, girl
You’re looking so good, everything’s in place
Don’t you know I could never leave your side girl
Won’t you stay here with me and be my bride?

Don’t you your my kind, your just what i like
Girl you’re everything, don’t you know you’re alright
The only girl I’ve always needed for so long

Chorus:
Oh, oh-oh, she’s my cover girl
Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh
Oh, oh-oh, she’s my cover girl
Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh

When I look through the pages of a magazine
Still, your pretty face is the prettiest I’ve seen
Don’t you know I only want to be with you
No other girl could make me feel the way you do
You’re my everything

(Repeat Chorus twice)

It’s alright
Oh, yeah, it’s out of sight
Let me say it’s alright
Ah, yeah!

Don’t you know I only want to be with you
No other girl could make me feel the way you do
You’re my everything

If you watch this video (go ahead and watch, I won’t tell), go ahead and laugh.  Giggle at Donnie’s torn-up jeans; chuckle at Jon’s bright orange shirt; and keel over at Danny’s pimp tail.  But don’t laugh at me.  I watch this video and reminisce of better days.  Back when this video was all the rage, my biggest concern was beating the other girls at jacks and beating the boys at tetherball.  Or getting new pairs of aerobic socks, because the elasticity on my old socks had withered due to me rolling my jeans into my socks.  Or carrying a keychain with 1 key and 5 chains with various pictures of Jonathan Knight and the rest of the New Kids.  Or believing my Jonathan was straight and would whisk me away despite protests of pedophilia.

Grown Men

I was listening to New Kids on my iPod, and realized that I needed to post a photograph of my first love, Jonathan Knight.  My 9-year old me thanks future me for future me’s technological capabilities.

Photo from flickr.com/photos/nkotbofficial

I’m going to go home, retrieve the 10-inch Jonathan button I purchased at the concert, and dance to “Tonight,” replacing all mentions of “Tonight” with “Jon Knight.”  Why?  Because IFHMMFJ and I need something to look forward to.

Song of the Week — A Tribute to Fridays

This week’s song is an oldie, but goodie — Friday I’m in Love by The Cure.  As always, lyrics provided by LyricWiki:

I don’t care if Monday’s blue
Tuesday’s grey and Wednesday too
Thursday, I don’t care about you
It’s Friday, I’m in love

Monday you can fall apart
Tuesday, Wednesday break my heart
Thursday doesn’t even start
It’s Friday, I’m in love

Saturday, wait
Sunday always comes too late
But Friday never hesitates

I don’t care if Monday’s black
Tuesday, Wednesday heart attack
Thursday, never looking back
It’s Friday, I’m in love

Monday you can hold your head
Tuesday, Wednesday stay in bed
Oh Thursday watch the walls instead
It’s Friday, I’m in love

Saturday, wait
Sunday always comes too late
But Friday never hesitates

Dressed up to the eyes
It’s a wonderful surprise
To see your shoes and your spirits rise
Throwing out your frown
And just smiling at the sound
As sleek as a shriek
Spinning round and round
Always take a big bite
It’s such a gorgeous sight
To see you eat in the middle of the night
You can never get enough
Enough of this stuff
It’s Friday, I’m in love

I don’t care if Monday’s blue
Tuesday’s grey and Wednesday too
Thursday, I don’t care about you
It’s Friday, I’m in love

Monday you can fall apart
Tuesday, Wednesday break my heart
Thursday doesn’t even start
It’s Friday, I’m in love

I’m having a particularly rough week at work, so Friday couldn’t come any faster.  Of course, I doubt that my Friday will be like your Friday (viz. to be followed by two days of relaxation), so I may have to play this song next Friday instead.  At least, by the time I leave work, it’ll be late enough that I’ll get a seat on the Metro.  Nothing like looking at the glass half full, right?  It’s like if I became homeless and I found a nice clean bundle of newspapers to lay on the ground underneath a bridge to sleep.  Or if I attempted to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge and missed the water and found myself lying on a net designed to prevent people like me from perishing.  Or if I was hit by a car on a bike and I only broke one of my legs.  Ahh!  So much to be thankful for!

Jonathan Knight is an Obama Supporter

I saw my first love and rewrote 4th grade history during the past week.  Having been denied the excitement of the New Kids on the Block during my years as a young and impressionable elementary school girl, I jumped at the opportunity to permanently rewrite history when the New Kids embarked on their reunion tour.  During the concerts (yes, I went to more than one), I snapped multiple pictures of my favorite New Kid, Jonathan Knight.  During my childhood, I was a bit of an oddball in desiring to be Jon’s “Cover Girl” and I felt that I would be loving Jon forever.  To add to my love for Jon, take a look at this pic I snapped:

That skanky beyotch next to him is Lady Gaga.  Take a look at Jon’s shirt though.  I have to say, I heart him even more.  I realize that he’s gay.  I realize that he had crippling anxiety disorder and probably still does.  I realize that it’s possible his microphone has never been turned on.  I do not care.  Jon, if you can hear me.  I heart Obama.  You heart Obama.  Therefore you heart me?  Be still my heart.

Song of the Week – The Return of Pop Culture

This week’s song marks an interruption in my coverage of the politics of stupidity.  I really need a break from hatin’ on Palin.  And what better song to enjoy than Josh Radin’s “What if You,” a song that could make the best of us slit our wrists in despair.  Happy Friday!  (Lyrics from Lyric Wiki)

What if you
Could wish me away
What if you
Spoke those words today

I wonder if you’d miss me
When I’m gone
It’s come to this, release me
I’ll leave before the dawn

But for tonight
I’ll stay here with you
Yes, for tonight
I’ll lay here with you

But when the sun
Hits your eyes
Through your window
There’ll be nothing you can do

What if you
Could hear this song
What if I
Felt like I belong

I might not be leaving
Oh so soon
Began the night believing
I loved you in the moonlight

So, for tonight
I’ll stay here with you
Yes, for tonight
I’ll lay here with you

But when the sun
Hits your eyes
Through your window
There’ll be nothing you can do

I could’ve treated you better
Better than this
Well, I’m gone, this song’s your letter
Can’t stay in one place

So, for tonight
I’ll stay here with you
Yes, for tonight
I’ll lay here with you

But when the sun
Hits your eyes
Through your window
There’ll be nothing you can do

This song is sweet, isn’t it?  Depending on how you interpret the lyrics, it appears that Mr. Radin could be quite the playa (and I’m not talking about the Spanish word for beach).  Seems like Radin is sick of taking the walk of shame at 3 in the morning and he’s hoping that if he just stays until the sun rises, he’d be able to stick around for breakfast and cuddling.  You know, what every playa wants.  Nothing like spooning and oatmeal.  Don’t hate the playa.  Hate the game beyotch!

Song of the Week

This week’s song is by Ray LaMontagne (shout out to AM for the introduction), an up and coming singer-songwriter from New Hampshire.  Below are the lyrics, provided by cowboylyrics.com (I’m not joking-that’s an actual site).

Baby
It’s been a long day, baby.
Things ain’t going my way
you know I need you here
here by my side
all of the time

And Baby, the way you move me it’s crazy.
it’s like, you see right through me, you make it easier,
You please me and you don’t even have to try.

oh because,
you are the best thing
you are the best thing
you are the best thing
ever happened to me

Baby,
We’ve come a long way, baby.
you know, I hope and I pray that you believe me
When I say this love will never fade away

oh because
you are the best thing
you are the best thing
you are the best thing
ever happened to me

Now both of us have known love before,
To come on up promising, like the spring, just walk on out the door.
Our hearts are kind and are hearts are strong.
well, let me tell you what exactly is on my mind.

you are the best thing
you are the best thing
you are the best thing
ever happened to me

you are the best thing
you are the best thing
you are the best thing
ever happened to me

yeah, yeah
yeah, yeah, yeah,
now, now, now, now

What’s the inspiration for this song?  I actually just really enjoy this song, and I figured a happy go lucky song is just what is needed on this brutally awful hump day.  Of course, for me, since I’ve worked long-ass days since last Monday, technically my hump day was sometime last week.  But that’s just a technicality.

Now that I think about it, though, this song could be good for an Obama rally.  Imagine Barack coming out, giving one of his inspirational speeches; lambasting his ancient opponent and that opponent’s wholly moronic running mate.  He speaks of hope, of change, of a new era away from the politics of stupidity.  As his speech hits its crescendo, Barack waves to the crowd, cuing the beginning of this song and thereby further energizing a crowd that is thirsty to drink from the cup of change.  Because after 8 years of drinking the diarrhea tea brewed by Dubya, I could sure use a chaser.