10 More Days for Tina Fey — Day Eight

Washington, D.C. is a city of monuments.  As the country further spirals downward into recession, the federal government will have to make tough decisions as to how to spend precious funding.  Well, the city of monuments will soon be implementing a new sign system to the tune of $2.2 million.  Let me write that out with all the zeros:  $2,200,000.00.  Yes, I’m thinking the same thing.

What the hell kind of signs are going to be erected in the city of monuments, you ask?  Well, apparently the signage will be used to identify such iconic structures as the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial.

Cue the crickets.

Proponents of the measure argue that the signage is necessary because many foreign and American tourists are unable to identify these buildings.  The National Park Service reports that they often field telephone inquiries from individuals wondering if there is a Nordstrom on the National Mall.

First of all, are you serious?  In our current economic state, should our first priority be ensuring that people know that the Lincoln Memorial, with a ginormous statue of Lincoln sitting, is the Lincoln Memorial and not the Washington Monument?  Apparently, free tourist pamphlets with maps (along with the gigantic maps placed all over DC), are insufficient to inform foreign and American tourists of the names of the monuments that they visit.  What a travesty!  So you’re saying that we should spend $2.2 million to ensure that someone doesn’t post a picture of Junior standing in front of the Washington Monument, and mistakenly label that picture, “Junior at the White House.”  Or to prevent someone posting a video of Junior delivering the Gettysburg Address in the Jefferson Memorial?  And allow me to put on my lawyer hat for a moment.  If we put signs in front of every major building or monument, where do you draw the line?  If, theoretically, the idea is for tourists to be able to specifically identify everything they visit in DC, shall we start putting signs on trees, distinguishing the cedars from the junipers?  What about putting a sign on a bike rack that says, “BIKE RACK” or putting a sign on a fountain that says “FOUNTAIN”?

Second of all, with or without signs, the National Park Service will continue to field phone calls from idiots.  Perhaps, instead, they should just change the name of the National Mall so that no one confuses the large empty field with that of a 2-3 story structure containing a Forever 21, Wetzel’s Pretzels, and Nordstrom.

Finally, $2.2 million?  What the hell kind of signs are being erected?  Are they going to be created out of pure gold and decorated with diamonds?  There aren’t that many monuments in DC, so I can’t figure out how the total cost could possibly equal $2.2 million.  Hell, if you’re looking for a job, you should probably think about working in the signage industry, because I can’t even imagine what the profit margin is on this baby.

Well, perhaps DC can prove me wrong.  Perhaps the signage will actually be money well-spent, and for some reason, tourists who are on the bubble about visiting DC will decide to make the trip because of the $2.2 million signage.  If that happens, I’ll have to change my tactics in getting Tina Fey’s attention, because my current campaign sure as hell is going nowhere fast.  If I win the lottery, I could purchase a $2.2 million sign to be placed in Queens in front of the 30 Rock studios, on which I’ll have a flashing and scrolling marquee with my URL and contact information.  Course, if I win the lottery, will I want to work at all?  I suppose I’ll have to cross that bridge when I get there.

Discover me, Tina Fey!

10 New Days for Tina Fey — Day Two

Yesterday, Ty Inc. announced that it would rename its Sasha and Malia dolls — the dolls that bore a slight resemblance to Malia and Sasha Obama.  The First Lady had denounced Ty Inc.’s obvious attempt to capitalize on the first daughters, and Ty Inc. decided to voluntarily rename the dolls out of respect for the wishes of the first family.

But it got me thinking — Ty Inc. got a buttload of publicity by creating dolls in the first daughters’ likeness.  What’s to stop me from attempting to obtain the same kind of publicity?  I know what you’re thinking — I agree with you that it perhaps would not be wise for me to create a doll in Tina Fey’s likeness, or in her daughter’s likeness, or in her hubby’s likeness.  That would not be cool.  But keep in mind that my ultimate goal is not to create a figurine/doll that resembles my comedic idol — my goal is to get the woman’s attention.  So I’ve crafted the following list of real personas that may translate into much-needed publicity should I create a doll or figurine of these persons:

• Tom Daschle Talking Action Figure — Also known as “Tommy D,” my Daschle figurine will say various phrases at the push of a button.  Phrases such as “Hey baby, want a ride in my expensed limo?” “taxes schmaxes,” and “I heart nomination distractions.”
• Pull-My-Finger Christian Bale — My Christian Bale figurine will come equipped with various costumes, as well as realistic Hollywood set items (camera, lighting) that wind-up Bale can throw a distance of up to 6 feet.  And the best part, if you pull Bale’s finger, he’ll tell you what to do with yours.
• Plaxico Burress the Bullet — My Plaxico doll will come equipped with various types of pants, all of which will include flexible waistbands.  Each doll is uniquely programmed such that a particular placement of the included replica .9 mm will lead to discharge, which will make your Plaxico doll scream, “I can’t believe I just shot myself doing that stupid thing on TV where people stick guns down their pants.”

I need to partner with a toy manufacturer, because I can’t even draw a proportional stick figure, let alone create a three-dimensional figurine.  Well, I know one thing.  In addition to the aforementioned phrases, each doll will also be programmed to say, “Discover Alexis Nectar, Tina Fey!” and “alexisnectar.wordpress.com, Tina Fey!”

Yeah baby.  I’m thinking outside the box.

Discover me, Tina Fey!

Palin is a Complete Moron: Part XIII

The baker’s dozen has been completed!  Thanks to the tip from AM, I can now say that I’ve met one of my new year’s resolutions and completed 13 posts about the moron named Sarah Palin.  Below, I present to you the youtube video that made my blogging dreams come true:

Let’s examine what the Idiot named Sarah Palin discusses during this interview.

Palin rails on “anonymous bloggers,” stating that it’s a “sad state of affairs” for the media to rely on such “anonymous bloggers” as sources of news.  Putting aside the fact that I am an anonymous blogger and I think Palin can suck it for suggesting that bloggers have no utility in the dissemination of information — I think it’s tough for Palin to stand on her high horse about the value of particular sources of information when she herself is devoid of any knowledge and believes in the power of witchcraft.  Shut it, you dumb ass.

Palin then blames the media’s treatment of her on “sexism” or “political” bias.  Seriously, you are a dumb ass.  The media was obsessed with you because of the still undetermined depths of your stupidity.  It’s not sexism.  Perhaps we should coin a new term for you and announce that the media was “moronist” in its treatment of you.  And that is just unfair!  Why can’t the media leave stupid people alone?  Why must the media elite, with their fancy education and wealth of knowledge, attack former sportscasters who skipped around a slew of shitty colleges for the fact that said sportscaster knows more about the best tanning bed than international affairs?

Palin also argues that the media unfairly ignored Michelle Obama while attacking Palin’s family.  Hey idiot.  Have you seen Michelle Obama?  The media couldn’t find anything on her except making remarks on Michelle’s wardrobe choices.  While you stood up there preaching about family values and abstinence, your daughter was knocking boots with the redneck townie.  You ever heard about that saying about people in glass houses?  You probably haven’t.  That requires a modicum of knowledge.

Palin blames (surprise!) the “upper echelon” of media power for forcing her to go back to Katie Couric for additional interviews after the first day disaster.  Ok.  So I suppose Palin is finally acknowledging that Katie — Look at my Colon — Couric destroyed Palin in an interview.  But blaming the upper echelon of media for essentially making her go back out there?  Yeah, you are a hell of a maverick.  I mean, don’t all mavericks just do whatever the “upper echelon” of power ask them to do?  You go with your mavericky self.

Palin finally answers the question regarding what publications she reads, stating that she reads the “local paper,” “USA Today,” and the “New York Times.”  First of all, I’m not sure she would understand the New York Times, in part because of her demonstrated lack of intelligence.  Second of all, she reads USA Today????  How can she rail on “anonymous bloggers” while relying on the “news” in USA Today?  I’m pretty confident that this post has more words than any USA Today article in the history of that newspaper.  When Palin was nominated as VP, the USA Today article probably stated:

McCain picks Sarah Palin.  Palin is a woman.  Palin is a governor of Alaska.

You moron.

In response to a question regarding how Palin feels about Katie Couric and Tina Fey being considered heroes among the media elite, Palin goes back to a stock response, stating that she’s happy to help because “job security is important.”  Yes, you moron.  Everything is about job security.  Hey Sarah!  Why are you so stupid? — It’s all about job security!

Palin then suggests that Caroline Kennedy will be handled with kid gloves, and the media’s treatment of Kennedy will prove a “class issue.”  Palin further suggests that if had been picked as the VP candidate for Obama, the media would have loved her.  First of all, Caroline Kennedy has not been treated with “kid gloves” but instead has been severely scrutinized for her lack of experience.  Second of all, if Obama had become drunk with stupidity and picked Palin, I would not be attending inauguration next week because Obama would not have won with that idiot at his side.  Third, what “class issue?”  Does everyone forget that Obama was raised by a single mother?  Again, Palin is again confusing a media bias against stupid people seeking positions of power with a different type of bias.

I will give Palin this.  She sure as hell made this “anonymous blogger” see her WordPress stats go up.  Thanks to the unbelievable extent of your stupidity, I was able to cultivate my critical writing skills.  Although I’m at Palin is a Complete Moron:  Part XIII, I will never stop in my “moronist” treatment of you.  So, stay mavericky and keep reminding us that even the stupid can have power in the American political landscape.

Wall Street, Autos, and Porn — Oh My?

According to all the major news outlets, including the prestigious TMZ, apparently it’s not just Wall Street and the auto industry that is in dire need of a bailout.  The folks from the San Fernando Valley are also seeking governmental assistance.  Everyone needs a little porn, right?

Legendary Hustler entrepreneur Larry Flynt, and the idiot named Joe Francis, are apparently making pleas to Congress to obtain a $5 billion check to stimulate the porn industry.  Flynt and Francis allege that the recession has hit the business hard, as DVD sales of XXX movies have bottomed out, falling 22%.  On a serious note, such claims are a surprise to many economists — traditionally, businesses such as the porn industry stay above recessions, riding the recession wave because of the increase in “staycations” and a general desire to get away from reality and immerse oneself in the warmth provided by pornography.  Francis himself plans on appearing before Congress to make his plea, during which he will argue that the bailout will prevent the pornography industry from going limp, and will also boost the vigor of the American appetite for entertainment.

CSPAN viewership will certainly be up for these hearings.  Personally, I hope Congress rips Francis a new one.  That kid belongs in a prison shower with a bar of really slippery soap and a mob of pissed off inmates.

And yes, the aforementioned puns were intended.

Polebrity Crush — Obama’s Cabinet of Hotties

President-elect Obama is at it again.  Not only has he made history by changing the landscape of American politics, he’s also compiling quite the impressive Cabinet.  Adding Hillary was a plus.  Adding Rahm as his right-hand man was impressive and appealing to this writer’s eye.  He recently nominated Elena Kagan of Harvard Law School — who singlehandedly almost made me pull the trigger and make a donation — almost, thanks for saving me money Barack!

And now, to add to the aesthetically pleasing rating of his Cabinet, Obama is set to nominate CNN’s Sanjay Gupta as Surgeon General.  Take a look at this neurosurgeon hottie:

Be still my heart.  Who would have thought that Obama would take a cue from Grey’s Anatomy and nominate a hot-ass doctor to be Surgeon General?  (For the record, I’m a McDreamy over McSteamy person).  Perhaps Barack figured that more Americans would listen to a hot doc than a not-so-hot doc?  Hell, works for me.  If Dr. Gupta appeared in a couple weeks and told me that I need to drop my pint of Ben & Jerry’s, get out of the indentation I’ve made in my couch, hit the gym, and give up artificial sweeteners, I just might listen.  But only if he flashes those pearly whites.  I mean, who would you rather have give you a physical?  Dr. Gupta or your current doc?  Yeah, me too.

Thanks Barack.  Not only have you given me hope for the next four years, you’ve made following politics a whole hell of a lot more aesthetically pleasing.  Rahm, Sanjay — you need one more hottie to complete the trifecta!

The All-Inclusive GOP

I’m a bit delayed due to the holidays, but I suppose now is as good a time as any to impart my thoughts on Chip Saltsman’s idea of a chuckle.  For those who don’t know (perhaps you have been buried under a Christmas tree with 3 pounds of fruitcake lodged in your bowels causing immobility), Saltsman is a candidate for Chairman of the Republican National Committee.  For shits and giggles, Saltsman sent around a CD to his fellow GOP’ers this year, wishing them good tidings and cheer, a ticket to heaven, and a song entitled, “Barack the Magic Negro,” sung to the tune of “Puff the Magic Dragon.”

Amazingly enough, most of the rest of the GOP leadership is up in arms over this song.  However, there are still quite a few in the party’s leadership decrying the outcry, stating that the song is merely a parody, and people need to get over it.  So, today, I’d like to examine what constitutes as appropriate parody and what constitutes bigoted offensive bastardly behavior.

Appropriate Parody — (1) Tina Fey’s impression of Sarah Palin, highlighting her stupidity; (2) Justin Timberlake’s impression of Barry Gibs, highlighting the high pitch of his voice; (3) Weird Al.

Bigoted, Offensive, Bastardly Behavior — (1) making light of the Holocaust and/or Hitler; (2) making light of 9/11; (3) calling someone a “magic Negro.”

After being trounced in this year’s elections, you’d think that the GOP would get the hint that they need to, at the very least, hide the fact that the party’s leadership includes a hell of a lot of bigoted assholes.  I’m not saying all the leadership — I’m sure there are plenty of GOP leaders who simply espouse the principles of small government etc.  But Saltsman, a candidate for Chairman of the RNC, represents what millions have known about the GOP — all-inclusive my ass.

Actually, on second though, the GOP is quite inclusive.  I mean, how the hell is the party supposed to thrive without taking advantage of those less fortunate and keeping them in a state of economic and social dependence such that the party can revert the country back to a state of slavery?  Seriously.  The country was better back then.  Rich whites didn’t have to do anything except make sure that the poor blacks were appropriately controlled to prevent them from running amok.  Yeah, super super inclusive.

To end this post, I have one thing to say to good ol’ Chip.  And I’m not joking when I say this.  This is not a parody.  It’s not meant in good fun — Piss off.

Whack a Bush

In case you’re at work and looking for a distraction, try these variations of online games in which the object is to effectively chuck a shoe and nail Dubya.

My favorite is Kast sko mot Bush.  A trajectory of 10 and 100 force will hit him square and hard every time.

Can You Throw a Shoe at Bush is a little more complicated, as the player needs to account for a constantly dodging Dubya.

Bush Shoe Throwing Game is a little more graphic, although I have to admit it would have been a little bit awesome if the reporter actually struck gold and made him bleed a bit.

Then there’s Bush Boot Camp, in which the object is to protect Bush from the flying shoes.  I have to say that I lost the first couple of times I played this game, as I continually shot at Bush’s head rather than the flying footwear.  Took me a while to figure out the object of this game.  Oops.

Tis the Season for . . . Pedophiles?

Well, it’s that time of the year again.  Where hoards of people inundate the malls in a mad rush of shopping and presumably holiday cheer.  It’s also the time where parents take their children to the mall to visit Santa Claus, an event that may bring extreme fear to many a toddler.  I never believed in Santa Claus.  By immediately debunking any semblance of a fat man tumbling down billions of chimneys all over the world, my family effectively quelled any expectation of presents.

Which was fine for me, given the fact that I believed that Santa was right up there with clowns — strange men dressed up in costume who should be approached with skepticism.  I mean, think about it.  Really think about it.  What motivations lie behind the man who seeks to hide behind a mask and spend his days with children on his lap or with children playing with his “balloons?”  I suppose it’s purely a monetary motivation, and that would actually bring me comfort.  However, I’m certain that there are other jobs that pay more and don’t require a ridiculous costume.  Course, those jobs don’t include the “perk” of being “exposed” to hundreds of children, jumping happily in one’s arms.

Yeah yeah, so I’m a cynic.  Santas and Clowns just really like being around children because they like children, in a completely innocent way.  Sure.  But my guess is that you’ll think twice next time your kid is bouncing on Santa’s lap, as he lets out a big “Ho, Ho, Ho,” while he basically molests your kid with his white-gloved encased fingers of pedophilic lust.

A Compliment for Dubya

Yes, compliments for Dubya from yours truly are certainly few and far between.  Indeed, I never thought this day would come, especially during the lame duck period before the dawn of a new age of American politics and hope.  Although I still believe that Dubya’s faults far outweigh any characteristics of legitimate value, I have to add a small weight to the scale of stupidity, thereby tipping the balance slightly away from “100% useless.”

I’m sure you’ve all seen this video, or a variation of it, but here goes:

So what, you ask, is the characteristic of legitimate value?  Well, the guy appears to have good reflexes.  That reporter’s shoe was flung with great speed, spinning heel to toe as it vaulted toward the Dub.  Although the shoe was accurately thrown as if a bulls-eye was located squarely on Dubya’s forehead, the Dub was able, with lightning-quick reflexes, to dodge said footwear.

Congratulations Dubya!  You’ve received a compliment from one of your harshest critics.  Now go f*ck off.

And a Nominee for the Island is . . .

Rod Blagojevich belongs on the Island.  I mean, seriously.  For those of you living under a rock, Governor Blagojevich of Illinois found it appropriate to attempt to sell the Senate seat that would be vacated upon Barack Obama’s inauguration as President of the United States.  As if attempting to fill seats for an updated version of the Dating Game, Blagojevich named various “candidates” for the position.  This was no ordinary Dating Game though — more like a dating game in the red light district — if candidates were not willing to fork over enough cash to bang the hottest girl on the strip, Blagojevich planned on banging her himself.  Always the romantic, Blagojevich also sought favors for his wife, the foul-mouthed Patricia Blagojevich, known for both her work with charities and her behind the scenes “fuck” tirades.

After being arrested and having the details of his escapades made public in a lengthy and criminal complaint, what did Rod do?  He kept going to work.  Despite requests from both sides of the political fence, including from President-elect Obama himself, Rod continues to go to work, defending his actions while proclaiming his innocence.

So you know what Rod?  Step your ass down.  You have singlehandedly fanned the flames of backlash against progressive America.  When you are convicted, you will enjoy a whole lot of “fuck yous” in prison.  I hope you bring the Vaseline.  As a progressive, I reject you.  You, sir, have been nominated to the Island.